My partner who has been a long time IV meth user seems to be slightly increasing his non use time i.e. 3 wks clean expanded to 5 wks, then a slip, now trying again. He’s a do it solo type and won’t ask for help. I am having trouble navigating his vast anger and extreme feelings that are now being expressed without the drug use. It is so extraordinarily painful to witness. He is verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. One on hand, I remind myself that these are the feelings that cause him to use and have nothing to do with me. On the other hand, it is very hard to effectively shield myself from his lashing out. There are no in person NarAnon meetings in my area and I have not found the online meetings useful. I called several battered women’s resources last week to see if I could talk to someone about his verbal and emotional abuse, but no one returned my calls. In clear moments, I am heartened by his efforts, but increasingly find myself so beaten down by his tremendous anger that I lose sight of the goal. Two days ago, he had a big tantrum about the location of the toaster in my home and slammed his hand into the refrigerator, likely breaking a finger or two although he won’t seek medical care. In the worst moments, I want him to use just to have a break from the terror caused by his rage. I feel so alone in navigating this. Just because someone is clean doesn’t mean everything is OK. I am really not.
Suggestions for navigating the anger and feelings of a partner who is trying to quit meth on their own
My partner who has been a long time IV meth user seems to be slightly increasing his non use time i.e. 3 wks clean expanded to 5 wks, then a slip, now trying again. He’s a do it solo type and won’t ask for help. I am having trouble navigating his vast anger and extreme feelings that are now being expressed without the drug use. It is so extraordinarily painful to witness. He is verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. One on hand, I remind myself that these are the feelings that cause him to use and have nothing to do with me. On the other hand, it is very hard to effectively shield myself from his lashing out. There are no in person NarAnon meetings in my area and I have not found the online meetings useful. I called several battered women’s resources last week to see if I could talk to someone about his verbal and emotional abuse, but no one returned my calls. In clear moments, I am heartened by his efforts, but increasingly find myself so beaten down by his tremendous anger that I lose sight of the goal. Two days ago, he had a big tantrum about the location of the toaster in my home and slammed his hand into the refrigerator, likely breaking a finger or two although he won’t seek medical care. In the worst moments, I want him to use just to have a break from the terror caused by his rage. I feel so alone in navigating this. Just because someone is clean doesn’t mean everything is OK. I am really not.
Sorry @dcj the rage and frustration your loved one is demonstrating is in him and has been masked by his iv drug use. It is laudable that he is trying to get clean and every day he is clean is a day he can be closer to also releasing that frustration. I’m sorry it’s directed toward you- not fair- and fairly common. You can connect with Alanon, since there are more meetings and it’s likely you can find one that will serve you. I find that the drug of choice is not the point. The point is that you can’t contain it, you didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it. You can gain a lot of strength by listening and sharing in Alanon. Give it a try.
Hi @dcj - I’m sorry you’re feeling this way and I’m glad you’re seeking out help. Nar-anon meetings can be hard to come by. Like @Thinkstet suggested, Al-Anon meetings are more common, and while they say it’s for loved ones of alcoholics, you are just as welcome there and can certainly benefit.
Is there somewhere safe you can go when you’re feeling like you need a break? Perhaps a close friend or family member you can trust? Or maybe a change of scenery for a few days or a week might help? It doesn’t have to mean leaving forever - just taking some space for yourself.
This is so true. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and remember: you are not alone.