My loved one will be home soon, after completing the month soon. I’m a little nervous but happy that he’s sober. Last year the sober house didn’t work so I agreed to have him home, he will be on vivitrol, doing IOPs and I spoke to his therapist which he will be attending, I really never had to deal with this because like I said he was in a sober living house last year, so any help of those who have experience would be great at this time, we talked about some boundaries and will continue when I hear from him again, I just want to be able to do the right thing for him, and myself. As far as things that happened before he left, I really want to leave it alone unless therapy brings it up. I know this is a fragile stage for him. I’m actually feeling good about it but like I said a little nervous.
My loved one is coming home
I am glad you are experiencing the positive feelings and hope. This will help him with his recovery. Have you ever attended therapy sessions with him?
This is exciting for you @Letty14. I hope it goes positively for you both. Beyond Bitchy is a podcast whose aim is to inform people about the art of mastering boundaries. https://beyondbitchy.com/
Mastering anything is a tall order, but at least I found it helpful to have somewhere else to ponder boundaries. When I am in a difficult situation I like to read and listen to as much information as I can in order to help me form a new awareness. It’s fully in my control so it’s a good practice! Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
Thank you. No I never have, I always wanted to but last year with him being in sober living house, he was angry and never wanted me around so I’m hoping this time I can be seeing he sounds really positive about everything.
Hi @Letty14 - It’s so great to see this positive step forward for the two of you! I know it’s been quite the roller coaster the last several months.
You’re not alone in feeling confused about what to do when he gets home. There are a bunch of conversations in the Village Community that you might find helpful, from folks who have had similar questions:
How do I prepare when my boyfriend comes home from rehab?
What happens when he comes home after rehab?
Plans for coming back from rehab…
Boyfriend is leaving rehab tomorrow. Any tips on how to support him?
Relapse right after rehab - what to do?
Anxiety and suspicion continue months after rehab
Please chime in to those conversations with what resonates with you! And keep us updated on your plans and how everything goes.
️Yes it has been a rollercoaster. I will look into everything possible. Thank you for your help 
I have been focusing on myself more than I can ever remember. I think this is most important right now though it sounds so crazy when you are used to taking care of someone else. Take it once day at a time. And take breaks for you if you need them. You can’t control what your person will do, and if they relapse, it’s not because of something you did. It’s their choice. But you can try to help them, but really try to do things that make you happy. Remember what you were before the addiction. Be that person.
Hi @Letty14 - how are things going today? Has your loved one returned home yet? Keep us posted!
My loved one is home!! Everything is good so far, he’s been doing great, very helpful but that’s never been a problem, but this time more aware of what he’s doing around the house, and careful, was very emotional when he first saw me, I’ve never seen this side of him, but it was nice, now he’s taking care of me since I ended up with plantar fasciitis on right foot, urgent care, but he has been helpful, IOP starts in 2 days, meeting he has already started, I feel good about everything so I’m praying it’ll get better with time. My mind feels better, I just have to get used to him being home. It’s a little feeling so far. Thank you for asking.
Thank you. I’ve been having problems physically so haven’t been on, just a little aggravated with my leg and foot pain, have to use crutches until the doctor says different. As for my loved one, he’s been sweet but sour when he doesn’t get his way, it’s already happened 3 times since he’s home, I mentioned this before on an old post, like he seems to have a narcissist behavior, I don’t know if he is really like this or if it’s a phase, I’ve seen it in the past while he was using, and now sober, honestly it’s pissing me off so I refuse to stay in the same space as him, cuz I’m not going to let him get to me, any advice would be great, I just know I refuse to stay in it if it’s just really him.
Hi @Letty14, I like how you are really trying to get at the “nut” of your relationship. Don’t worry about your man being a sourpuss. In my experience men are as crabby as women and we’re all just awful to the ones we love.
Anyway, hang in there- is there a way you can acknowledge the times when you’re headbutting? Could you challenge him to a thumb-wrestling, instead? I know it sounds sophomoric, but sometimes changing the “stakes” helps the interaction. In fact, it’s so stupid that it provides the levity we need to rise above an ego-driven argument.
Thank you for your advice. I don’t think it’s about being a sourpuss, it’s more like his way or not speaking to me, for example, he apologizes with “I’m sorry,but” there’s always a “but” following the apology, I asked him what are you really sorry for but no answer, I asked him if he can attend meetings on a regular basis while he’s waiting for therapy and he went off on me, I also tried to talk to him about boundaries and he claims I’m trying to threaten him, last year he had to live in sober house because that was the plan so he decided to “punish” me by ignoring me for months, we only spoke a few times and he claimed it was all my fault that he lived there… So many things that point to narcissism and I refuse to walk on eggshells because he’s sober, I’m there for everything but not this behavior again… He won’t take accountability for anything he says or does that hurt my feelings. I just don’t know what to think of it.
Hi @Letty14 - the great news is that your loved one is sober and getting help. The not so great news is that getting sober doesn’t change everything overnight. Many of us realize that even after they’re clean, the problems are still there. But back when they were actively using, it was impossible to address those problems. Now you’ve got the opportunity to really work on communication and boundaries with clear heads.
However, you may have to wait. HIs head may be clearer, but it’s still healing from some pretty serious substance use. My advice to you is while he’s in therapy, look into therapy for yourself. Really take a closer look at what you need, what you want, and how you can best communicate that to him. Eventually you may want to do couples therapy, but it’s often a good idea to look at yourself before you look at the relationship. Then you can both go into couples therapy knowing what it is you want to talk about.
If therapy isn’t an option, Al-Anon is a free support group that meets all over the place. You can get a sponsor in Al-Anon who can help guide you through the tools and steps of the program that can help take care of yourself and set boundaries.
It takes time @Letty14. You’ve gotten through a really tough part, and there’s still more work to do. A lifetime of work for him and for you if you choose to stick with him. But you’ll both change and grow for the better. It’s so worth it.
