What if a loved one has no motivation to change?

communication
#4

Thanks @Jane Your response makes a lot of sense. I guess the problem for my loved one is they have been completely isolated and uninvolved with the world for so long that there are no positive motivators left.

My loved one is my mom. She’s in her mid-sixties. Lives in a small town she gave up on a long time ago. She doesn’t have any friends or even acquaintainces at this point. She hasn’t worked in ten years. She is socially anxious, so the prospect of being with people is negative rather than positive.

For years we’ve talked about her moving closer to me (I live in a large city 3 hours from her), but she has never been able to make any steps toward doing that, and the few times she has stayed here, while waiting to get into rehab programs, have been disastrous. Because I can’t be with her every second, she drinks and goes out and gets lost because she doesn’t know the city. She’s safe at least in her small town. And she owns a home there, so no matter what happens to it she has a place to live. If she sold it, and rented a place here, she might be evicted for smoking inside or small fires or living in mess.

I can’t find a single thread of motivation that I could tug or show her.

#5

It’s certainly hard when you’re further apart.
Being far apart - encouragement, being kind, positive and loving and retaining your connection can be helpful to boost her self confidence and self worth and belief in her potential to change.

I say this a lot…but here goes again :wink: is there anyone one the ground you could build a relationship with that could help her on the ground? A neighbor? A community organization? Even if it were to schedule one outing a week as a start. Is there one hobby she could pick back up?
Book club?
Bridge?

The reason I say this also is ‘influence’ is key. When you’re far apart you can talk but you can’t physically show up so much. We need to think about who has ‘influence’ or could have ‘influence’ in our loved one’s life. Maybe if it’s not on the ground…are there any old friends who you could rope in to schedule a weekly call. We’ve got to experiment with new approaches to change old habits <3

Connection is the opposite of addiction and I know how disconnected things can get when a loved one is in active addiction (having chased a brother around the world and had a husband who would go quiet for days and lost friends for years). So it is no small feat to overcome but it can be life-changing.

I’d love to loop @dadpop2007 and @katie and @carolzevallos into this conversation, I think they might have some personal perspective they can layer in.

I know how hopeless and disappointing it can feel - thanks for sticking with us @Marigold <3

#7

Oh boy now I’m crying, in a good, feeling very supported way. Thanks @Jane

My mom’s neighbours have called the police on her. The caseworker we got involved last year said she could no longer see my mom. Her supervisor had said she was a liability because of the state of her home, candles burning through tables, food left out of the fridge. My mom would rarely be up for the caseworker’s visits, but she was that local ally I really needed. Someone to check in when I couldn’t. Her walking away was really hard.

In terms of hobbies, my mom played softball in the 80s but I don’t see her picking that back up. She likes to garden, but Canadian winters make that hard. I know it sounds like I’m poo-pooing every option, but she really just doesn’t like anything, or anyone.

Twenty years ago she really did just go to work and then drink with her partner “D”. Fifteen years ago, “D” suddenly left her, she stopped working and just drank. She met a new partner, then ten years ago, he died. As did my older sister, in the same year. My mom just drank through it all.

She watches tv. Sleeps on the sofa. Calls a taxi once a week or every other week to take her to the shop for alcohol and food.

#8

I think this scenario is a lot more common than we might imagine, and there are certainly others here who can speak to their specific experiences - so firstly what little solace it might bring, know you’re not alone <3

I also know how it can feel to have tried everything so I get it :slight_smile:

And winters…the worse time for addiction! GAH!

Addictions are hard work.

Will you be seeing her any time soon? Perhaps in her environment? Could you sit down with this caseworker’s supervisor or could we help you find another group that could support on the ground?

What sort of organization was the caseworker from?
Perhaps we could find a different kind of professional - a recovery coach? @Val @Kris_Perry_Long ?

Sending <3 here with you @Marigold

#10

A recovery coach is great , but they have to want it , we can suggest it & and guide them towards one but unless they are willing , its not our job. Also an advocate , which is what I do a lot more of, I do a ton of family mediation , as well as interventions. Having a outside source, to help that is neutral is huge,
Im here , my phones on if you have direct questions or need some guidance, in your area.
Kris
Recovery Coach and Advocate
Ambrosia Treatment center

#11

Oh, @Marigold how I empathize with you and wish we could hug! :hugs: I feel like such a downer when I poo-poo every positive option or suggestion - I totally understand how hard it can feel.

My dad is also in his mid-60s, lives in a small town a few hours away (made the decision to move + bought a house, etc. while he was high), hasn’t any real friends, is holding onto work (but should probably be retired), watches a lot of TV, keeps strange sleep patterns, etc. Same as what you’ve described.

I think what I’ve learned is that I cannot motivate him. He has to motivate himself. What is in my control is making sure that he knows that I love and care for him. I try to send a text every other day or a few times a week just checking in, “Hey dad, what’s up?” “How are you?” “I love you.” Preeeetty basic stuff. When/if he does want help, I’ll be here.

Another thought - when I am together with dad, instead of ADDING any ‘connection activities,’ I do things with him that he’s already doing. Watch TV. Go with him to the movies. Eat a meal together. Even if it’s not breaking new ground, we’re still connecting. I know it means a lot to him… and that’s the opposite of addiction, right?!

#12

Thanks for the suggestions @katie and I feel for you, too! :hugs: Hugs right back.

I wish my mom had a cell phone so we could text, or turned on her computer so we could email (I set up a Facebook account for her five or six years ago…). She rarely answers the phone.

But you’re right. What I CAN do is keep calling. And if/when she answers, make sure she knows I love her. And I do rent a car and go and visit when I can. But I have to be honest, it feels more and more pointless, because she’s just sick and wants to sleep when I get there. I don’t stay at her place because it makes me too upset to be there for longer than an hour or so at a time.

I appreciate your (and everyone’s) support here. It does make it a bit easier knowing we’re not alone.

#13

Definitely not alone @Marigold. Sending love to you! :heart:️

#14

I’m going old school here - but what about letters - does she check her mail? Maybe we can all send her a postcard and tell here we love her and wish her well :wink: <3

#15

@Jane !!! I was thinking of asking the members of my older sister’s memorial page on Facebook to send my mom a Christmas card this year if they found themselves with a spare one! Many of them know my mom and though she likely won’t remember them, a ton of cards in the mailbox would have to be a nice surprise!

She does check the mail. I’ve sent things here and there. She got into colouring and I sent her postcards she could colour, and put my address on the first one (motivation to get to work! haha) but she never used them. Looking back, maybe it felt pushy, but I meant well.

You’ve inspired me to follow through with the Christmas card idea. And I’ll send her something this weekend as well. :clap:t2::clap:t2::clap:t2:Thank you all​:two_hearts:

#16

:slight_smile: will you share the link when you post it about the Christmas cards? Maybe some of us here might have an extra one too <3

#17

I love this @Marigold!! Great inspiration @Jane! Creative thinking FTW.

#24

@Jane that is really sweet and kind. I’m not sure I feel comfortable sharing her address in an open forum (rethinking my approach in the Facebook group too, to be honest), but thank you!!

#18

@Marigold I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. Motivation is such a strange concept, because as @erica and @Jane described, it can be almost too easy to pick up the bottle and start drinking again. That activity seems almost effortless. But when it comes to behavior change for the better, that can require so much more effort.

If you feel like your mom doesn’t have any hobbies she currently enjoys, this is really tough, because this can lead the person to feel lethargic and like they can’t identify with anything. If right now it’s tough to reconnect with a sense of identity or meaning, she might need to reconnect with it indirectly from you. A trick that works with a lot of parents feeling happiness is through their kids’ own success. If their child is succeeding, even in the slightest— whether it be that they got a promotion at work, went on a fun date with someone new, or achieved some sort of accomplishment. Do you have something in your life you’d like to celebrate? If so, share it with your mom. There’s a good chance that she’ll look at you and think, “Whoa, my kid is cool.” No matter how disconnected a parent may be, they want to know that they’re a good parent. They want to know they’ve played their part in raising a good child. That’s part of their identity. Remind her how much she has helped you grow to be the person you are today, wherever you are. Everyone has something to be proud of.

#25

Thanks for your kind words @ashleykm3 I think this is one area I haven’t done very well in, but you’re so right.

There have been times when my mom has seemed really interested in what I have going on, and I’ll brush over anything or say “not much” - well, in part because that’s been true a lot of the time, but also because I feel bad talking about good things in my life when I know she’s struggling. Especially when it comes to trips and travel, things I know she used to want to do.

Addiction and her illness has been the focus for a very long time. Trying to act like it’s not there, affecting absolutely everything, feels fake and false. But you’re right. I can bring some light and lightness too.

Oh!

I once took a manicure set over and got a big bowl out, filled it with warm sudsy water and gave her a manicure - complete with hand massage ! :rofl: Touch is so important! Goes back to connection being the opposite of addiction (See guys! I am learning ! :rofl:
More of that. That will be my goal for the next while ! :heart:

#26

@Marigold you’re so welcome! When you get to your mom’s house, you said you tend to feel kind of sad, considering the situation she is in. When we have negative emotions, we tend to spiral inwards and literally become unaware of positive things that might actually exist in our lives. Even though you might feel bad about talking about the good things in your life when you know she’s struggling, what also may be limiting you from sharing the positive things going on in your life is this sort of phenomenon that almost impedes our ability to readily think about positive things when we are in a negative situation. On the flip side, when we think and speak positively, we initiate what’s called the Broaden and Build Theory (from a super cool psychologist named Martin Seligman). This process allows us to become more aware of our surroundings, more in the present, and involves others around us in positivity. If you begin speaking positively towards your mom about your own life, it will allow her to move out of the tunnel vision of depression she may be experiencing and may bring her a little motivation. ! :slight_smile:

#27

Thank you so much for sharing @ashleykm3 ! I am gaining so much knowledge and support here!! So grateful for this space and its kind, sharing hearts ! :pray:t3:

#28

Anytime, @Marigold That’s what we’re here for! !:heartpulse:

#29

@Marigold I there :hugs: My mom is an addict in her 60s who lives in Lake Elsinore about 4 hours away from me. I haven’t had much of a relationship with her until this past year with the help of the Village :wink: I realized that I didn’t want to regret not making more of an effort to feel connected to her in case anything happened to her. She lives a very volatile, unexpected life and things could go south fast with her. She can never stay in one place for long. My uncle described it as if she was on one side of the street she would just have to go to the other side of the street cuz she couldn’t stand being where she was anymore, and back and forth and so on. She has left so many rehabs I’ve lost count. She’s been on the streets before too when no one would take her in because she was just too drunk. I’m glad she has like 1 or 2 people there that let her stay with them but time to time but it’s hard to not really know where she is. Thankfully she does have a cell phone and we talk and text quiet often. :pray: I’ve been making it a point to really get to know her. What she liked to do for fun when she was younger? What kind of music she likes? What’s her favorite meal to make? Does your mom like to cook? Maybe the next time you see her you can make her favorite meal together. Does she like going out in nature at all? Maybe take her to a beautiful scenic area where you can both just soak up the sun and breath the fresh air while you tell each other funny stories. Laughter is key :key: Well I hope this helps a little and I’ll be praying that your mom becomes more receptive of the love and care you have for her. Hope the Christmas card idea goes well! :slight_smile:️

#30

Thanks for sharing @carolzevallos I imagine that’s hard, your mom moving around a lot :pensive: Nice that she has a few people she can trust and a phone for texting - and you to build a relationship with :slight_smile:️

I will keep trying, and loving. If my mom wants to receive it, it’ll be there.