Accepting it all



I’m already becoming more aware of two things that I was less able to on my own in my current context. (I am isolated at home with no vehicle at this time, )

One, I have an issue with setting boundaries with my children. I was assigned the scapegoat role in my family of origin. That involves actively being rejected, shamed, and blamed and forming an inferior identity for the family or ill parent to deny their issues. So doing this for others is normalized. The lines are often blurred for me.

Until recently, I didn’t even have a policy of my children knocking before they entered my room. If they see something of mind in my room that they can use, they just take it without asking. If they feel something they just express it. I have always had an open-door policy if they need to talk. So they could talk to me for hours 24/7. There was a positive side to this, but there was also an imbalance. The list goes on. However, I should have set some limits and also made parts mutual. Taught give and take. In fact, there is rage if I try to respond to their thoughts and they aren’t interested in hearing it. This is very bad parenting for them! So boundaries and knowing when and where they go for me personally is an issue. I have enabled others abuse.

Second, because I normalized disrespect and abuse towards myself, I have developed a numbness that is described in domestic violence research and literature. I mean coming out of body as a habit. Not noticing my core sensory guidance system. I have been through decades of therapy, but the therapy didn’t address the physical aspects of trauma. I know there is tapping therapy and other regrounding therapies. But wow! This is such a part of why I don’t notice when the lines have been crossed. The body certainly does keep the scorer. And we or brain learns response habits that may have served survival in unsafe contexts, but they become destructive once over.

One of those responses I’ve noted in myself is that I learned to be very externally focused. This is why I love to be alone. I learned to scan my environment so I wasn’t blindsided by potential surprise attack. So I didn’t set a good example of self-care and groundedness for my children. I was possibly more anxious and worried. I love the benefits of casual video because often we cannot sere ourselves. But these factors in me certainly impacted my children.

Given that my sisters and mother were on the ready to belittle, criticize, and deny help they could afford even in the most dangerous situation with my ex, my children certainly learned patterns. Yet more, their identity was partially formed by these negative forces. So no surprise that they struggle with inferiority.

I mean i did a load of amazingly good things for them given the difficulty level of our situation. But I wasn’t fully healed and did a lot of things I wish I could take back. This isn’t about blame, but honesty. I don’t form my identity around it. It just doing the wash. Making things clean and embracing all in a truthful and loving way. We humans are far more imperfect and still wholly lovable than is advertised.


@Pamela What a very beautiful, brave acceptance. You did the best with what you had at the time. The more you learn, the more you grow, and the better you’re able to show up for yourself and your loved ones. So glad you’re here to share what you’ve learned so far with @PeerGroup7 and the We The Village community!

Now that you’re aware, and that you’ve accepted the past with compassion, next comes ACTION. What does action look like for you today?


Awe thank you @momentsandlight . It’s not really brave. It’s just honestly what we go through when we are exposed to abuse and trauma. Very natural responses. And also when we go along with the world’s conditioning. Ya know, I am kind of a stickler about words. So I’d say it’s not so much about learning new information but becoming more aware of what I know. What I’ve relegated to the shadows because I am so externalized. Either with being a parent, dealing with tragedy work…whatever it is… We have a tendency to try to change “the world” rather than change ourselves. We are encouraged to go out there and “be something” or “somebody”. This is abject denial that we already are someone and nothing needs to be proven or paraded. Our identity as whole, acceptable and complete isn’t usually our frame of reference. We are conditioned to think other THINGS are needed. This isn’t just embedded in advertising but is a part of how humans are raised. Think of what makes parents proud of their kids. It’s all exterior fluff added to identity. Its so rare to find someone at peace with who they are without having to prove anything to anybody egoically. We are all taught to be ego-driven. In hot pursuit of identity attached to things…a false self. We are born perfect. I know I can ramble, so I’ll stop there. I’ve learned a lot by meditation. I have a daily routine and practice. Quieting my thoughts and detaching from identity with anything going on naturally brings truth into focus. It’s a very peaceful way to face things.


@momentsandlight What do you mean by what does action look like for you today? I think I take action every day. However, words being what they are, could you share with me more specifics? Thank you so much for your encouragement and support.


In Al-Anon there are the 3 A’s: Awareness, Acceptance, Action. So your post reminded me of that. Now that you’re aware and have accepted things like your issues with boundaries and being externally focused, what is an ACTION you can take to make changes relating to these?

This is great! And so now I’ll ask you for specifics :slight_smile: - what’s an example of some action you’ve taken that might help to shift the old patterns that you’ve unveiled? For example, can you identify a boundary that you can set regarding how your kids treat you and the “open door” policy you’ve had?


I was somewhat speaking historically. Although there is residual. But the action I began in September 2021 when I dedicated myself to daily meditation and weekly meetings with my guru. Another level of healing and tuning into my body in presence. Not that there isn’t swing. Of course therer is. Its called a PRACTICE. Hah! So I daily take action. I also paint and write about my experiences and have learned techniques that I use that personally help me to tune into my body and reations. There is a lot of watching myself from an outside perspective. Checkiing and checking things out. So thank goodness that process of an action plan has begun for me. Today, I decided to release other family members that are not a part of an extended aqueduct for the flow of toxic family pathology. We can love others from a great distance. We can change no one but ourselves.