I’m already becoming more aware of two things that I was less able to on my own in my current context. (I am isolated at home with no vehicle at this time, )
One, I have an issue with setting boundaries with my children. I was assigned the scapegoat role in my family of origin. That involves actively being rejected, shamed, and blamed and forming an inferior identity for the family or ill parent to deny their issues. So doing this for others is normalized. The lines are often blurred for me.
Until recently, I didn’t even have a policy of my children knocking before they entered my room. If they see something of mind in my room that they can use, they just take it without asking. If they feel something they just express it. I have always had an open-door policy if they need to talk. So they could talk to me for hours 24/7. There was a positive side to this, but there was also an imbalance. The list goes on. However, I should have set some limits and also made parts mutual. Taught give and take. In fact, there is rage if I try to respond to their thoughts and they aren’t interested in hearing it. This is very bad parenting for them! So boundaries and knowing when and where they go for me personally is an issue. I have enabled others abuse.
Second, because I normalized disrespect and abuse towards myself, I have developed a numbness that is described in domestic violence research and literature. I mean coming out of body as a habit. Not noticing my core sensory guidance system. I have been through decades of therapy, but the therapy didn’t address the physical aspects of trauma. I know there is tapping therapy and other regrounding therapies. But wow! This is such a part of why I don’t notice when the lines have been crossed. The body certainly does keep the scorer. And we or brain learns response habits that may have served survival in unsafe contexts, but they become destructive once over.
One of those responses I’ve noted in myself is that I learned to be very externally focused. This is why I love to be alone. I learned to scan my environment so I wasn’t blindsided by potential surprise attack. So I didn’t set a good example of self-care and groundedness for my children. I was possibly more anxious and worried. I love the benefits of casual video because often we cannot sere ourselves. But these factors in me certainly impacted my children.
Given that my sisters and mother were on the ready to belittle, criticize, and deny help they could afford even in the most dangerous situation with my ex, my children certainly learned patterns. Yet more, their identity was partially formed by these negative forces. So no surprise that they struggle with inferiority.
I mean i did a load of amazingly good things for them given the difficulty level of our situation. But I wasn’t fully healed and did a lot of things I wish I could take back. This isn’t about blame, but honesty. I don’t form my identity around it. It just doing the wash. Making things clean and embracing all in a truthful and loving way. We humans are far more imperfect and still wholly lovable than is advertised.
- what’s an example of some action you’ve taken that might help to shift the old patterns that you’ve unveiled? For example, can you identify a boundary that you can set regarding how your kids treat you and the “open door” policy you’ve had?