I really don’t think there’s a cut and dry answer for this, though any advice/suggestions would be appreciated. My son is in recovering or so he says - though he doesn’t live with me and the signs don’t point in that direction as he hasn’t done any type of follow-up care after the last rehab/half-way house visit and went back to the same girlfriend. I live near him and it is nerve-wracking, if I hear a cop car go by or an ambulance, I freeze and have to stop and listen where they go. If it sounds like they stop, I go to the window or go out in my driveway to see if they are close by. This fear, this horrible disease has created it never goes away. What helps you?
Advice for dealing with living near my recovering son?
polly
#2
I’ve felt something similar - I used to live a ten minute walk from my now husband when he was struggling with cocaine addiction but not acknowledging it, in the lead up to a major rock bottom. It really took over so much of my mind space reading into why he wasn’t in touch etc.
When he came out of rehab the worry continued - I found some peace in planning ahead to do activities we both enjoyed like meeting for a movie or dinner. Sometimes he showed up during a relapse which was very worrying for me but I now know was part of the process and his showing up was progress.
So I’d say, from my experience, keep up the connection and keep in touch reinforcing you’re there and you love him. Try not to read too much into silent periods. And plan weekly activities you can both enjoy together to work on building your new relationship together.
erica
#3
This fear is very real and part of the experience and overcoming it involves acceptance of the fact that the fear will exist, however how we respond to the fear can help us not get over worried. Even though he’s been in treatment and states he is in recovery, you are still experiencing a state of unknown, which allows our minds to go to every “what if” possible. During these times it’s important to reach out for support, continue to take care of yourself to avoid emotional burnout (this may be difficult but it’s really important to make sure you’re still engaging in self-care), and as best you can, accept that in this moment, and any moment when you hear an ambulance nearby, you don’t know for sure what is going on. So all you can do until you know is be aware of what’s happening and go through it versus fighting against it.
I like what @polly said about it all being part of the process, and the importance of connection and letting him know you are there for him no matter what. With addiction you can live close but still feel so far away from your loved one, so making sure you see each other regularly will help ease the fear and worry.
What has helped me has been making sure I have regular calls (or video chats) with my brother to check in and see how he’s doing, hear his voice, make him laugh, and bond over anything we can. And again, I always reinforce that I love him and am always here for him.
Zanette
#4
I’m sorry you are experiencing this. First try to identify exactly what you are afraid of. Relapse, jail, illness, overdose etc. They are all valid concerns but what is the predominant fear? Next, identify what your role might be if it comes to pass. Is it one you are familiar with due to past experience with him? Try making a plan for your scenarios. As unsettling as it is, sometimes just knowing what we fear, and having a plan for it makes a world of difference. Always keep in mind this is not your fight, it’s his. You can love and support but now fix it or live it for him. Keep in touch though not to the point where you know every little thing going in. While on going treatment of some kind is optimal, it’s not mandatory for progress to take place. Other indicators are more reliable, such as not holding a job, in need of money, possessions disappearing and the company being kept. As others mentioned, self care. Get out, exercise, enjoy people and activities. Go for a massage, watch comedies of some kind. Relieve your stress as it can affect your overall health. Take good care going forward.