I spent years doing so much for him without being asked and I still find myself feeling depleted. Now he’s doing a lot better. But now when he asks, I don’t have much left.
Am I doing too much or not enough?
erica
#2
I hear you, Jane. Over two years into my brother’s recovery I encounter many moments of similar feelings: fear, exhaustion, annoyance, frustration, just to name a few! 
When my brother asks for help with something that I just can’t provide in that moment, I’ll tell him I love him but can’t get into anything, and will talk to him soon. A lot of the answer to this question lies within our own ability to assess how we’re feeling in the moment, as well as understand the enormous impact our loved one’s journey has on us. Chances are, if we’re doing too much they’ll let us know, and we can check in with them by asking “Is this too much, or do you need more support?” and remind them that regardless of the level of support we can give, the love is still unconditional.
Just as the identified substance user has their own journey in recovery, we as loved ones have our own paths as well and need time to heal and acclimate to the “new normal.” It’s important to be aware that sometimes the expectation that “everything will be great once he’s sober” is unrealistic, and when our expectations aren’t met we can be left feeling disappointed, let down, and depleted.
Personally, I check in with myself multiple times a day. I ask myself how I’m feeling and why and write it down. This helps me notice patterns in my mood that I can catch and do something about! It takes practice but over time it has helped reduce those moments where I don’t feel like I have much left.
Julie_Smith
#3
Attending first a family support group and now a group of various people in recovery, I have been able to find a healthier balance and not spend so much time and energy thinking about “the problem of my son’s addiction” - that was becoming my addiction! It was like an unsolvable Rubiks Cube of frustration. One person in recovery said, “there’s absolutely nothing you can do but pray” about the active user. I don’t totally agree with that - I think staying in contact and offering emotional support is so important, if possible. But it helped remind me, like the three C’s, that I did not cause, cannot control, and will not cure my addicted family member. I can only heal myself, and I believe I bring healing to the world by focusing on self-healing. Then I have enough left over to spare a hug, a kind word, encouragement from my heart, that sort of thing (without resentment). Love to all of you!