Am I enabling by letting my addicted young adult daughter live in my home?

enabling
support
#1

Is it enabling my young adult daughter to allow her to live in my house? She is addicted to fentanyl. She does anything to get money to buy except have a regular job. I’m so concerned about the very dangerous situations she puts herself in. Easy pickings for someone like Ted Bundy. She also uses and manipulates people and has been so scared of being harmed or killed by someone angry with her during the middle of the night as she sleeps at home, she sleeps on a sofa near me. I am very loving to her, but have addressed that I know she is using which she denies. But there is no doubt about it and her boyfriend says that her tolerance is higher so she is using a dangerous amount.

Is it wrong to throw an adult child out knowing he'll be homeless?
#2

This is a hard one. We often hear and talk about them needing to hit rock bottom. For my own personal mental I can’t have my folks living with me in active addiction. I don’t like the way I think of things. I don’t like hiding my things and worrying about them possibly dying in my home. I’m raising a kid. I can’t. For me it would be. If your asking how is it not for you? What would you tell me asking this?

#5

Very balanced answer. Thank you.

#19

Ultimately the rules were not followed and I became a detective trying to ensure they were followed. Ultimately he was using and and in no condition to drive. 911 to the hospital he goes and off to the next facility for sublocade shot. I never finished this post because of the state he was in we are in. He ended up leaving and I got a call at 5:30AM he was down the street less than 2 miles away pulled from the car and put in a coma on a machine they pulled rather quickly and detoxed for so many day after 1 day relapse. I asked why are they detoxing you so long. He said you noticed that!!! Lol only someone that has been here can get this…

#20

1 day away from sublocade shot and 7-10 rehabs later he is using with the shot woohoo here we go down another recovery road. Hope I do not have to call 911 for overdose this is no fun. Cant wait to go to edisto with my fam when we finally find a place for him to go. Called a couple long terms and no answer. Kicked him out while I was angry he could barely drive away. Cooled down and called him back gave him hope we could find the long term recovery he needs. He was 5 minutes away at Braum’s went up there followed him home honking the horn to stay awake and away from the curb. We clled one plce no answer no response as of yet. Still looking. This state sucks we are in really sucks especially after the horrible tragedy that occurred less than 8 miles from here at the mall yesterday. Not just the state we dwell in buut the state of mind we are in too. In all of this I have hope and he keeps coming back that must mean something and never goes far away.

#3

My daughter was living with me, but she moved out when I questioned her about where she was, who she was with and what she was doing. I would rather have her at my house so I could continue to keep an eye on her and make sure she comes home every night.

#6

@Pamela My experience with my adult children that struggle with addiction is that if them staying with me causes me to feel resentful, then it’s not the right choice for ME. When I’ve agreed to let them stay with me, it was normally agreed to upon an understanding of them not using, respecting our home, etc., and it doesn’t take long until I see the reverse and then I’m stuck in a situation that doesn’t feel good.

I know there’s plenty of people that do allow family members to stay with them and prefer to know where they’re laying their head at night and knowing they’re alive, etc. But for me personally, I get WAY too pulled into unhealthy behaviors and all-things-co-dependency and as hard as it can be to say “no”, I’ve found that those two letters are much better for my own sanity and mental health.

#4

Thank you so much for sharing that. It helps me process what to do.

#7

I can see how that makes a lot of sense. Bravo to you for sticking to what works best for you.

My daughter hermits in her room. I have tried to up the anti of what she has to lose – giving leverage on her momentum to choose recovery. So once she is faced with these losses, it may feel more to her advantage to seek treatment. But in reality, she must want to recover and that is a very inside job.

What a great response. Thank you so much for another perspective to consider.

#9

Hi @Pamela -
I recently wrote a response in another thread (see below) about my thoughts on enabling vs. support. What is enabling for one person might be support for another, so it really all depends on the situation and the individual.

(Tap the ⌄ symbol on the upper right side of the box below to read the full comment.)

#8

HI @Deanna1, I like the way you describe sticking up for yourself concerning your house rules. It makes sense to me. Glad to see you here.

#11

I don’t like the term enabling either. To me it’s hard to tell the difference between that and loving. I understand it to be doing for them what they could do for themselves. Which can be hard as sometimes they just don’t seem to have the ability to see through the fog in order to do the things that can come naturally to us. Maybe in my own over doing that’s just how I’ve rationalized that within my own self.

We’re in such a difficult position. Loving those that can use that in their favor. Sending hugs to you @Pamela :heart:️

#10

@momentsandlight I found it…Yes, I’ve heard this before. Sometimes it appears its not an either or question, but a grey area because both choices make it easier to use. Doing the best I can.

Here’s what you wrote. I’ll share it again in case helpful to others.

anything that makes it easier for my husband to use, continue bad habits, isolate, or not take responsibility would be “enabling.” (I really don’t like that word, BTW! It makes us question even simple acts of kindness!) Anything that removes barriers to a sustainable recovery would be support. Helping your son apply for a job? That’s supporting his recovery.

#12

Thank you @Deanna1 for being so authentic. We are used to taking care of everything, so they grow up and it isn’t so easily fixed anymore. I understand your heart! And it is not so straightforward often. Hug back and thank you. Been a long time.

#13

My opinion is, NO. My son lives in my home. You are right, it would be dangerous if my son or your daughter lived at a friend’s house or on the streets. I know that in my home he will be safe from dangerous situations. I can administer Naloxone if ever needed. I can offer him food and safety. My son steals, lies, and manipulates people but it is NOT him. It is the addiction, which is a disease. It is hard but I do not take his hurtful actions or words personally. He does not choose to be an addict. I would rather him use in my home than somewhere else.
I think as long as you want her there and you have set clear boundaries, then let her stay and love on her.

#15

Everyone is right. I think I can only decide on such a difficult situation as it best follows my ethics and comfort zone. Giving others advice is perhaps the most self-defeating thing I can do. I know this because I keep slipping back into it. I have a brain and so do you. I have opinions and so do you.
I have no answers for you. I love my kids and think they are smart and beautiful and I bet you do too.
Thanks for being here. I appreciate you ALL.

#17

@newnoz I like that you bring up “advice” because you’re right - it’s a hard thing to give advice when 1) we have difficulty taking our own advice and 2) we don’t know someone’s full story to be able to know what’s truly right for them.

In our Village, we try to speak from experience and share our own stories, and sometimes that little bit of hope and light and connection is all someone needs to make the right decision on their own. So thank you for sharing here - your contributions are helping!

#18

My experience is…unless YOU are going through it with your loved one, then you really shouldn’t have an opinion. I’ve learned to never judge on someone else’s experience whether addiction or anything else because if I have not gone through it I don’t have a true experienced opinion. I’m sure I would have told my family members the same as they have all told me…kick him out!! But I can’t, I want him to live and I want him sober! I’m still helping him fight the fight, even though it is wearing me out physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. I am still trying to support him and nothing any of my family or friends tell me can change my decision. We all have to make our own decisions, there is no right or wrong way. We’re all just trying to get through this HELL! I don’t wish this on anyone…not the addict and not the family!!

#14

@Pamela I understand how much your heart wants to do anything and everything to keep your daughter safe. I was in a very similar situation with my daughter for too many years. I lived in fear of her overdosing 24/7 for over 3 years. I have experienced two persons overdosing at our home. We were blessed both times to have Narcan available which saved saved our loved ones lives. However, I have since learned that having Narcan is not a guarantee.
For my family, we were blessed that our daughter was charged with a DUI which put her on probation. I initially was not very supportive and felt privation complicated everything. However, 18 months later she finally ended up incarcerated and court ordered to rehab. In hindsight I believe this charge was crucial in her finally hitting bottom. I wish there would have been a way to get her to that point sooner. I realize that so many things I did to save her actually enabled her.

This group helped me learn that self care must be a first priority. Unfortunately, during the chaos of having a daughter with SUD in my home my own health and well being deteriorated immensely. Once I started to make myself a priority I began to gain strength. This change in focus started to make me stronger. I eventually was strong enough to set boundaries. Because I had learned in this group that boundaries were to protect me.

Setting boundaries is another important step. When my daughter returned from rehab I let her know her options. She could live in our home while continuing in her recovery. However, if she were to return to active addiction the local homeless shelter or half way house would be her only option. I could no longer live with her in active addiction. That one boundary is crucial for my well being.

My daughter is nearly 6 months sober. Post rehab she has continued with counseling and the Sublocade shot.

I practice self care by meditating and listening to Christian music while I recite Ho’ oponopono prayer every morning. I work very hard to keep everyone in my home focusing on positive progress that she has made. Keeping a forward focus while not allowing myself to ever think “what if” and my faith in God is what has saved my family.

Today it is my intent to celebrate the blessing of sobriety and the power of faith that pulled my family out of fear and isolation. I am grateful for this group that helped me when I thought there was no help available.

God bless our group mentors, and participants. May their families be blessed with healing and sobriety for their loved ones with SUD…and so it is! Amen!

Please allow me to re-share the first video that someone shared in our group which started my practice of listening to uplifting music of faith!

#16

Love seeing you here @sammiesame. Thank you for doing the work and sharing your hope and light with others. Sending hugs! :hugs::sparkles: