Any advice on how to help my cousin who's meth use is concerning, and his live-in girlfriend doesn't see the problem?

#1

I’ve recently learned about my cousin’s meth addiction, and it is complicated by the fact that his live-in girlfriend (almost common-law spouse) is an extreme enabler. This had apparently been going on for a couple months before i found out, but I knew the moment I met my cousin in person during one of his manic meth-fueled paranoia episodes that he was on something, but she literally didn’t even consider the fact that he might be using drugs until I came back and told her about how he was behaving.

Even when i told her she got mad AT ME for talking about “her man” like that, she refused to believe me in the moment, it was only several days later after talking about it some more that she was willing to admit he was using drugs, and even then she has shown herself to be unwilling to do anything about it, we’ve talked to the police, we’ve talked to many people in the medical field (my aunt was a nurse for like 20 years and knows everyone around here) and we’ve talked to various mental health clinics, and every time an opportunity to do something about this has presented itself, she failed to act on it. This is all complicated by the fact that she is currently going through a custody dispute for her 8 year old son with her ex, and he has 2 grown children aged 17 and 18, and this whole thing is ust destroying their family, those poor kids!

Before all this she always just assumed his erratic behavior was “just him”, he is a veteran of the iraq war, but he was dishonorably discharged so he doesn’t even have access to the VA for help, and he’s never sought outside help for what we assume is PTSD. He is a very strong and strong-willed man, and he is stubborn as an ox. He would refuse to even admit he has a problem and he definitely wouldn’t seek help for it on his own, and he absolutely does not let anyone get close to him, physically or emotionally. She is a classic abused woman, I know he hits her on occasion and i’m sure she’s had prior abusive relationships. Despite that she is loyal to him to a fault, and i have no doubt she would “die for him”, as she’s said multiple times.

All this combines to a really crappy situation especially for the kids, and it has affected me directly on a number of occasions, as I’ve had to watch her child many times while my cousin is having one of his episodes and destroying his house looking for listening devices or whatever the drugs are telling him to do. I just don’t know what to do… I guess most of all I just want help for the children involved of course, but i’d also take advice on how to approach this, as just talking to them is not helping at all! I feel so frustrated and powerless!

#2

This can be a very tough scenario to navigate, so thank you for reaching out here for support! Sometimes, even though it may seem as though it’s the most logical and simple thing to do, it can be difficult to confide in those close to your loved one. His live-in girlfriend may be too caught up in her own thoughts or reactions to his use, as well as her custody situation to take on the challenge of helping him engage in treatment. I’d recommend that if another opportunity presents itself to do something about his use, have someone else take the lead on following through - either you or another family member who is aware of the problem and wants to see him get help.

Because he may have PTSD and lacks resources in the VA, I wonder if you could take to him (when he is sober) about what his resources look like - not necessarily for his meth use, but maybe to address other negative mental health symptoms he may recognize. If he is willing, with permission from him, maybe offer potential options for him: go to a CMA meeting (Crystal Meth Anonymous) and even offer to go with him, look online for mental health supports, or go to his doctor for a check up.

It’s important to meet our loved one’s where they’re at, if he won’t let anyone get close to him, maybe try mentioning that you haven’t spent quality time together and would like to. If you flat out say “I want to help you get help for your meth use” he may reject any further communication as he may see it as a threat to his use. By spending quality time together, maybe mapping out certain days of the week you’ll check in (either in person or on the phone) and plan fun things to do or interesting topics to discuss, he may be encouraged to continue to stay in touch in a meaningful way. In his active use he is not connected to anything or anyone except the drug, so by doing the above you can help foster the idea of meaningful connection (which is the opposite of addiction), and potentially plant a seed that life can be enjoyable and meaningful!

Acknowledging the little things that are good in them directs their attention to positive aspects in themselves – this sets a seed in them to initiate small positive changes that can ripple into bigger changes - this is more effective than encouraging a loved one who isn’t ready to engage in recovery. Small acts of positive acknowledgment lay the groundwork for change. Keep in mind that real change happens over time, because habits take a while to form and the brain needs time to heal to be able to rationalize effectively. This helps conceptualize the fact that not one conversation will make all the difference, but rather the ongoing connection and conversations over time that can slowly shift things. And finally, make sure you’re engaging in self-care so that the frustration doesn’t impact your ability to help. Your well-being and quality of life sets an example for the person you’re concerned about!

I hope this helps, and I wonder how others have navigated similar situations and found success?

#3

Thank you for the reply, it has actually helped me look at the situation a bit differently and think about the other perspectives, but in thinking about it i run in to a problem: My cousin bullied me quite severely until fairly recently, he was always a bully, not just towards me but really most people around him except his mother (who passed away over a decade ago, very suddenly and unexpectedly), his interactions even since then have always been very brusque and short, and he generally treats me with zero respect. Despite all that i still care about him and i do want him to get better, but i would be lying if i said it hadn’t colored my opinion of him and feelings about interacting with him… I don’t think he has any desire to spend time with me or get to know each other better, and I never felt safe around him even when he was sober; When i was in his presence during his manic episode, I was downright terrified. He has always been physically much stronger than me, and i have no doubt he could kill me with his bare hands. Would he? I really don’t know, but I am honestly frightened of him.

Now I am mostly concerned for the kids involved, and his girlfriend who has always been so nice to everyone and the perfect wife to him, she doesn’t deserve this. Not to say he does by the way, just that I don’t think I am the person who could do the things you suggest with him.

#5

All that you can really do is to pray. That’s what I do. If you find out anything else please let me know thanks

#4

You do seem to care a lot. Life and relationships become chaotic when substance addiction is involved and it seems you’re experiencing that. it’s hard to know what’s real and true and what to do.

Idea: maybe you can work with a small group of family & friends who can play more of the frontline roll but you can participate. Can you identify a few? (let me know by commenting back)!

Know: Increased aggression or violent behavior is a common behavioral sign of meth use.

Consider: Regarding your concern for the children and his girlfriend - if you are concerned that your cousin may be a danger to himself or others, or is in a crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help and call local law enforcement (911). In addition, (800) 799-7233 National Domestic Violence Hotline, (800) 996-6228 Family Violence Helpline

Next steps: if you’d like to chat 1-1 more about this we can get into a bit more detail. Best way to connect is to send me a private message here and we can perhaps find a time to talk.

Thinking of you and hope to hear about other family involvement if possible!

#7

Your cousin is a lucky man to have someone care about him the way that you do, @FulminatingPangolin. It sounds like you guys have been through a lot together.

FulminatingPangolin:

Despite all that i still care about him and i do want him to get better…

Any updates here? How are you? Your cousin? His girlfriend? Would love to know & support.