As a concerned friend or family member, what is your own relationship to alcohol or other substances like?

self-care
#1

Has it been impacted or changed by your loved one’s relationship to substances?
Have you stopped drinking/stopped your own use of substances to support your loved one?
Do you still use alcohol or other substances, and is your loved one aware of that?

#2

Hi! My son is a musician 28 years old, and he is determined to play his music in bands. He says he has to learn tools to be in the music environment. We respect his addiction and mostly do not drink in front of him.

My dad was an alcoholic and as we got older he would be okay with household celebrations and alcohol in the house.

Many long term recovering alcoholics I have met tolerate social events well or they have an out when the party gets going.

#3

Great question, @ashleykm3!

While my dad was in his month-long in-patient program, I chose to abstain from drinking. In “solidarity,” if you will. :wink:

When he completed his program, I hummed and hawed about whether to choose sober living or social drinking. Brewing beer & visiting local breweries has always been really fun & central to my relationship with my husband, so I chose the latter.

Even after making this decision, I continued to choose non-alcoholic options in front of my dad. One day, we were out to lunch, and I asked how he might feel if I ordered a beer. He told me he’d prefer it because it makes everything feel more “normal.” This reminded me that my responsibility is to model well-being & quality of life. (And what that looks like for me may be different for you…)

All this said - as the daughter of someone struggling with substance use, a question I continue to ask myself to make sure I keep healthy is, When am I consuming vs. when am I coping?

#4

Such and important question @ashleykm3! During my years of working with the “identified patient” this was a topic that came up regularly as clients entered treatment. Some did not care if their friends and family drank or used substances around them, some did care but were afraid to say anything to their friends and family, and some were able to tell their loved ones that they preferred to not be around any substances in early recovery and asked their loved ones to refrain from using substances or alcohol in front of them.

There are a lot of factors that come into play here:

  • How long has our loved one been in recovery?
  • Have I made time to have an open and honest conversation about the situation?
  • Have I kept myself sensitive to my loved ones needs?
  • Am I jumping to conclusions about what they need without asking, and just doing what I think is “right”?

@Marie_Marie highlights a good point in sharing about her experiences with her son and her father: every situation is different! It can be helpful to navigate these situations by discussing this topic with our loved ones so we can get a clearer picture of how our own relationship with alcohol or substances helps or hinders their recovery.

I love that @katie asked her dad how he would feel if she ordered a beer - communication is key! In addition a great question to ask is,

Being mindful of these questions in the moment can help! I appreciate everyone being able to share their experiences here :slight_smile: !

#5

I completely agree that communication is key!

Nowadays I try to abstain from drinking around my mom— it seems like she has done a lot better recently, but in the past I’ve felt as though adding any sort of amount of alcohol into the picture just creates discomfort around the rest of my family, including my siblings, because of the way it has caused family trouble in the past.

I typically restrict all my alcohol use to when I go out once a week with friends. I pretty much never drink alone, as this just reminds me of when my dad would often drink in excess on his own. It’s an uncomfortable thought, but one that I use constructively. Even when I’m with friends, I still experience a bit of guilt for drinking— this seems to be residual guilt from the way alcohol has negatively impacted my family in the past. However, because I know I have a healthy relationship with alcohol, and that it’s OK for me to go out every now and then, I am able to enjoy myself and have a good time.