Enabling or helping: to do the laundry or not?

enabling
boundaries
communication
#1

We are in between apartments at the moment and staying in a hotel. I hand wash my small items daily. The other alternative is to take laundry out to the laundromat a block and a half away. It’s been a week and my husband has not taken his laundry out. In the move he lost the laundry basket (which is not a big deal but I’ve found it to be a helpful tactic to collect all his items and displays when it’s ready to take to the laundromat.) But it also means his things aren’t easily organized so that I could swoop them up and drop to the laundry - they kind of get strewn around the place.

So now every day he wakes up and heads to work and exclaims - ah I don’t have any clean socks or underwear. He’s not actively using, he’s in recovery and doing well but he is under stress to perform at work.

I can argue both sides here. Be kind and help him feel good and clean and ready by helping do his laundry. OR let natural consequences play out…let him get so stinky and uncomfortable he will work on his habit to do his laundry.

I know this is a little question, but I bet a lot of us have similar ones and I’d love to hear your thoughts on this or something similar you’ve experienced :slight_smile: Thanks!

#2

No question is too small if you’re spending time wondering about what to do. I suggest listening to your feelings on this one. Do you feel better or worse if you do your husband’s laundry? Is he able to contribute to your relationship together financially or otherwise?

If I am “helping” my loved one, but meanwhile, I feel resentful or I expect something back that I’m not getting, that is my definition of unhealthy giving. But there’s also compassionate giving that is done as a win-win and that I am able to freely give. Only you can decide which category an action is in, and it may be a different answer at different times depending on what else is going on. I hope this helps.

#3

I like what Julie said. Something that has been important for me is to check my motives before taking action. Is my motive to help me feel better in the space I live? Or to manage my husband? Has he asked for your help? That’s another I’m personally trying to be mindful of. In the past I’ve been guilty of over-helping, which caused my husband to lose out on opportunities to feel good about taking care of things on his own. If your husband would like your help in that way, and if it’d make you feel good to help in that way, and if it doesn’t cause strain in your life, it doesn’t matter if it could be labeled “enabling”. If you try it and it causes you stress, you can always reassess and make changes.

#4

Not enabling them to use. Most people over the age of 11 or 12 should be able to do laundry though. Sometimes I would do it just so my “kid” would look clean though. I found it embarrassing…the lack of self care and cleanliness that was always important before substance abuse.

#6

I like that you called this out - it draws a line between behavior of using versus other. It also brings into focus what I’ve found so interesting about following my husband’s recovery, that removing the substance helps but that there’s underlying behaviors that can be problematic or sub-optimal for living a healthy happy, fully functional life.

#5

If you ASK him, not tell him, to have his clothes in one spot when you do the laundry and he doesn’t do it, then you won’t be responsible for his dirty clothes. You can say this in a loving way. Our husbands aren’t children. If his boss asks him to do something, he would do it for him, why not you. Boundaries with love.