Do you ask your loved one to provide drug test results for you at home? My husband has always gotten drug tests from the recovery center where he gets his medication, and I have access to those results. Unfortunately I can no longer trust those results. I have never wanted to do at-home drug tests because they just seem so awkward and I don’t want to deal with that. But after my husband’s last slip it has become more necessary in building back trust. Just wondering if anyone here has had experience with them and how it has worked out for you.
Experience with at-home drug tests?
It’s been awhile since you asked this question! I’m just seeing it as I’m a fairly new member. Is there any update with this situation as I was about to ask the same question when I came across your thread for the same question?
In my experience, my boyfriend who is in active heroin addiction when agreed to regular drug testing, either 1. When I ask him for one, he uses that against me somehow. Saying no because I did this thing last week that upset him and he doesn’t feel he should have to or 2. He will do it and it’ll read negative but doesn’t make me feel any better. Because he knows how to trick them. He drinks those qcarbo cleansing drinks and they’ve worked. So I’ve found that they just cause me more anxiety and more stress.
Yeah we’ve been doing the at home tests. They are less frequent now as it’s been a couple of months since his last slip and things are going good. The last two times I’ve considered asking him to take a test because of some bad feelings I had, I waited instead. And then eventually, within a day or so or even sooner, he was able to explain the behaviors that were giving me the bad feeling. So I guess I’ve been learning not to jump to use the test right away every time I’m triggered. Which is nice because I don’t want to ask him to take a test when things are going good, ya know? The truth reveals itself in its own way and time. However, it is definitely nice to have the test on hand when there are a bunch of red flags that just can’t be ignored.
It took us a long time to get to this point though. In early recovery, he didn’t even want to give me access to his test results from his treatment center, so at home tests were of course completely out of the question. We’ve had to work on our marriage a lot in order to get to a place where we are completely transparent and able to communicate better.
I’m so glad that he’s doing well and y’all have been able to grow in the process! Where I hope to be within next year!
If you don’t mind my asking, what did y’all do to work on the relationship since early recovery to now that has gotten y’all to such a common ground with this? I can’t seem to get my guy to tell me the truth to save my life lol. We will be on same page one day and next day he’s acting like he’s used and lies to me about it. Then a few days later if I’m lucky he’ll tell me the truth but only after I go through my 10 min speech on how I feel so disconnected when he lies and this is how I am trying to support him yadi yadi ya.
@ltd31015 Therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. I’ve had a couple of individual therapists in the last few years, we’ve been in marriage counseling for two years, he started seeing his own therapist last year. Our therapy has really been the foundation of building back trust, learning to communicate better, resolve conflicts, support each other, all of it. In addition we have been both working on our own recoveries - I go to Al-Anon and have been working a lot on finding my own spirituality, finding community and people to connect with, and he has been devoting time to healthy hobbies, spending time with friends and family, deepening his spirituality. It’s a lot of work and it’s exhausting at times and it never ends. But we are better humans and parents because of it.
@momentsandlight That’s awesome! Your story and advice are huge encouragement for me definitely but I’m sure others in the same situation. It’s uplifting to hear that couples do infact get to a positive place in this whole overwhelming cycle. Not without huge commitment and relentless perseverance but that it’s even possible is nice to hear sometimes. Doubt has a lovely way of creeping in and just chilling for however long it desires. Thank you for your comments!
Update: Three years later and asking my husband to take a drug test has not gotten any easier. I asked him to take one the other morning, when I found him in the garage at 6am, shuffling through cabinets. There were a few other weird, suspicious behaviors in the last few days, and so I asked him to take a drug test. He agreed, but he wasn’t happy about it. Later, he implied that me asking for a drug test was the same as me accusing him of using. I didn’t think so, but maybe it is? Is there ever a way to ask them if they’re using without it sounding like we’re accusing them?
He didn’t end up taking it - he went to bed saying he didn’t have to use the bathroom. I didn’t bring it up again because honestly I’m exhausted of having those thoughts and having that conversation. I’m just going to trust that the truth with reveal itself in its own time, just as it always does.
@ltd31015 - It’s so nice to see you in this space again! And you’re right - pretty crazy that you just happened to log in and see that I brought up this post from years ago! But also I don’t believe in coincidences and I like to think you were meant to log in and share your truth today.
I still haven’t brought up the drug test again because honestly I don’t feel like it. Things have been better and the suspicions have died down. A part of me is thinking “Great, let’s move on!” but another part is wondering if I’m just trying to avoid a hard conversation. Usually when I ask him for a drug test, if he’s using, he’ll confess because he knows there’s no way around it. I’m just going to keep trusting the process and know that whatever decision I make about how to approach the situation, it will be okay. I’ll do what feels right.
I’m sorry things didn’t work out with your ex but also happy that you were able to move on and take the steps needed to take care of yourself. And yes, loving someone in active addiction can totally be a traumatizing experience that affects us for a long time. It’s so important to keep taking care of yourself.
I hope you know that this community is always open for you. Even though you are no longer with someone in active addiction or recovery, like you said, you are in recovery yourself. And not just from substance use but from the relationship. This space is for you to share wins, worries and hope. Sending lots of love!
This is kind of a wild thing but I haven’t been on this platform for some time as my former significant other that is addicted to heroin and I wound up ending our relationship due to the severity of his manipulative behaviors and the gradual worsening of those behaviors. To make a long story short, I just couldn’t continue to put myself through the accepting the consistent betrayal and abuse. It took a huge toll on us and me personally, no matter what I did to help, learn, grow, etc. Fast forward, and I saw a post on IG about we the village and logged in to see that just 11 days ago you posted your question about drug testing on the same thread I’d inquired with you about years ago… crazy how the universe works. I find it interesting, mainly because what you posted was the exact experience I had with my ex. If I asked him to drug test (after previously mutual agreements were made that it was an acceptable request in our relationship), somehow it would be that I was the bitch for accusing him of using “after all the work and effort he has put into staying clean” and I definitely experienced the “I don’t have to pee” charade more than a handful of times. Went as far as writing a contract that he and I both signed that I could pull out. He stole it and did away with it one day while I was at work. Yikes. Needless to say, I think I successfully received 2-3 tests that still came with their fair share of guilt tripping and manipulation which as a result led me to feel immensely guilty and like the shittiest person for not trusting him when he’s legitimately “trying” and consistently and relentlessly questioning my intuition. But at the end of the day, they’re the ones that have broken that trust time and time and time again. You make your bed, you lay in it. If that’s what is needed to allow the spouse that has stood by you during your struggles with addiction, has supported you, etc feel comfortable, you do it. Although it may not provide that spouse any further comfort bc we question every single tiny fragmant of anything due to the endless betrayals and gaslighting, but regardless, they need to hold up their end of the agreement made. Without manipulation, without guilt tripping, keeping score, gaslighting, lying, etc to protect their secrets. And I hate to say, that’s what eventually led me to end my relationship with my ex boyfriend. I deserve a respectful, honest and caring spouse. After desperately trying for 3 years everything I knew or learned I could do to assist and support this individual that I loved, and still never could seem to get what I know now that I deserve, I chose to remove myself and not choose the neglect and disrespect any longer. Granted, we didn’t have children together so it was much easier for my situation than those that do have that dynamic with their addicted spouse. I just found it ironic that just a few days ago you reached out about this and I just so happened to randomly see an IG post that prompted me to come here and login after all of this time. I sincerely hope you continue to find peace in your relationship. I know I’ve spent the past 2 years dealing with severe C-PTSD as a result of what I experienced with my ex boyfriend and his drug addiction. To this day I still am not the same person, still deal with severe anxiety and panic attack issues, low self esteem, and major trust issues. Luckily, I have found a wonderful precious individual that is almost too patient and understanding with me as I work through these personal issues caused from the abuse I allowed from someone else as it unfairly shows up in mine and his relationship today. I’m learning to understand that I do in fact deserve the kindness and love he extends to me. Even though I have ongoingly struggled with trusting our relationship due to my past relationship with the individual that is still to this day using heroin. I can’t imagine what my life would be like today if I were still with him. What a shell of myself I would have made it to because the focus was always always about him and his behaviors and lies and abuse. I myself am a recovering addict. I have all of the empathy in the world for anyone struggling with addiction, but at the end of the day, those of us who are on the other side of their addiction, don’t deserve endless abuse just because of their struggles. Not at the cost of our own individuality, autonomy, happiness, and peace. We try so very hard bc we love and adore these people, and get crumbs in return. It just doesn’t seem fairly balanced. Hope you’re doing well.