Family dynamics



So last night my son LJ was at a restaurant with my oldest daughter and her boyfriend. They feel LJ was high because he was acting irritable and argumentative. So, the boyfriend was trying to give LJ advise on how to straighten out his life. That didn’t go well and it turned into a physical allocation in the restaurant. All three left upset and in tears. My daughter called to give me a heads up and LJ walked in the house sobbing and wanting to cause harm to the boyfriend. All I could do was hug him the hardest I could and tell him that I loved him. I listened to his side of the story. I gather that LJ was being very difficult and disrespectful verbally, and the boyfriend took it to physical. LJ felt so embarrassed and defeated. I am proud of him for not swinging a punch. I need to have a discussion with LJ to let him know that his attitude and rude comments are what push people away. He has lost every single friend from years past. No one wants to deal with his unreasonable demeanor, it’s easier to walk away. I’m deeply sad for the wedge between my children now.
Now, to my husband. He was sleeping through all this last night and I don’t plan to tell him. If the kids mention then we will discuss. My husband is a REACT type of person, he tends to make situations worse then they need to be. He does not drink or smoke and he has no tolerance for it. In the past year he has accepted the fact that LJ smokes weed and we request that LJ do it in our backyard, NOT in his car. Well, LJ constantly is rolling and smoking in his car when we are not home. It’s a weekly discussion and argument. LJ feels that it is Legal in NJ at 21 therefor he can do what he wants; even though he’s only 20. I’ve given up on this battle, but like I said it’s a weekly argument between LJ and my husband. LJ keeps his cool with dad for the most part to keep peace in the house. My husband often blames me for this situation claiming that I am the enabler; and my he gets upset with me when I try to defend LJ in the small battles like cleaning his room, his car, smoking weed. If I want his room clean, I offer to help him or I suggest that it would be so nice to see you empty out those water bottles in your car. My husband, just demands: do it now! It’s very hard to balance the family dynamics!


Hi @Anty - ah yes that is a lot to balance with so many family members and emotions and reactions. First thing is to just be able to balance your own emotions and reactions. In Al-Anon there’s a slogan, “Let it begin with me.” Which I really like because it’s a reminder that I can’t change or force or fix anything that’s happening with the people around me. But I can start from within and know that there is a ripple effect. When one person in the relationship changes, the relationship changes. You can be the change.

Are you doing anything to take care of yourself? Any hobbies or activities or practices that you can do?

Maybe others in @PeerGroup7 can relate to similar family dynamics?


It’s been a few days since you posted this @Anty… how’s everything going today? Have things calmed down with your family? Have you been able to take a few moments for yourself?