We met online through a dating app 10/28/2022. He said he self medicated with Ibuprofen for a leg injury and was an occasional smoker. He got fired from his shitty job, and kept trying to move in. I told him I had issue with the daily drinking, hiding of vodka bottles, his pack a day smoking, and that I’d take if for as long as I could and then it’d be over. He got another shitty job, promised to be a 2 drink a night a drinker and I moved him in and he’s never had 2 drinks since, but a 5th of vodka or more a day all throughout the day and night. He drives a company truck for work or any car, having had drinks and with a roadie or buys vodka and starts drinking in the car. Sometimes he takes a nap on company time and also does side jobs and pockets the money using company inventory. All of which is terrifying and unethical. He is also at the tail end of a very contentious divorce with a jilted ex. Their MSC with a pro tem was on 07/08/24. He extended a gracious offer to avoid displacing his sons and his ex never responded, fast forward to October, my landlord is selling the condo I rent in six months and although I make 6 figures and have a side hustle I can’t afford $2k on my own and financially depend on him until my next raise and the payback of the $35K I lent him with his BS promise to pay back the money Feb 24’ when his divorce was settled. February came and went and I found out that no one had been paying for his attorney for over a year and his attorney quit. In an effort to protect my $35K investment. I hired another attorney for him, affording him half of the $1.4m home. He just gave his ex another 90 days to pay, accommodating her and shitting on me in the process (triggering, making me feel like an after thought or the second choice, trauma from my childhood) because I now have to wait and its affected my credit worthiness and ability to buy a house in Texas because I cannot afford to live in CA anymore. I’ve stopped walking ,gained weight, become hostile in communications with him and my family (riddled with dysfunction - developmental trauma) and have been violent with him. I’ve never been this person before and I don’t like or recognize myself. Now I’m ambivalent, engaging with my dysfunctional family too much (which makes me crazy) and totally neglecting myself and unable to have empathy and compassion not only for myself but anyone in my family that I’ve talked with, and especially him. I’m struggling to regulate my emotions and I resent having to spend more money on him just to have a relationship with him or my mentally ill family members (this program would certainly benefit me there). Obviously I’m beyond pissed and indignant. I just want to tell him to shove the $35k up his drunk ass and get fucked and move on without him. It’s been 2 years of shitty shit shit and I can pick up and move anywhere because I’m 100 remote. I’m not married to him, have no kids, it’s been two terrible years and I’m worse off with him. To his benefit, I actually do appreciate his awareness about his AUD and being able to say he’s sorry and that he doesn’t want to be this way. The 1st step! The flip side of this is, I can kick him to the curb, but because of my developmental trauma, I more than likely will find another man with issues like my caretakers (what a fucking joke, they hurt me worse than any boyfriend ever could) and I’d have to start all over again sorting out my bag of shit and relating issues with someone else. Honestly, inner peace wherever you are, I’d like to meet you, finally! Thank you for letting me vent and share my shit.
Feeling like cutting my losses and running for the hills.....the crazymaking needs to stop
Hi @Chrissyctorres. Sending you a big hug. How are you? You’re carrying so much. When I have felt lost and completely stuck and confused, I was told that there is always hope. It may be cliche and hard to see in the moment, but I’ve been through some shit with my husband, and I’ve seen recovery happen for friends and family and myself. It’s there, and it’s worth holding on to.
First and foremost, do what you need to take care of you. You found this space because you want to support your loved one, and you can, but it’s most effective when you’re in a healthy place. Take it one step at a time. What’s one thing you can do for yourself? My first step was deciding to love myself again, and then I found a therapist because I knew I needed help to do so.
What’s a first step you can take?
Hi @momentsandlight!
Thank you very much for reaching out and your kind words. I’m a hot mess, trying to will the the fray to mend on it’s own or avoid it altogether. I did a lot of damage by dumping on others this week and on the same day. I struggle with anxiety and with everything that has been going on this month…it’s was and has been a doozy!
I am pet sitting until the 24th, so the space away from my SO is good, and I get to walk this dog twice a day, so that has helped. I bathed in the auspicious moonlight this morning and made a mental note of at least 3 things I’m grateful for. I see an ayurvedic practitioner and have for years to heal the trauma etc. and I reached out to her with my issues, she is such a beautiful safe space for me. I’m so grateful for her knowledge and nurturing. She said this: “something can only be triggered, if it is not ‘digested or integrated’ yet”. I see her on the 25th and will have tea with a group of conscious aware women on the 26th.
In the meantime, I think I need to go get my beloved monthly foot massage that I’m like 2-3 months behind on, get a pedicure, walk the beach, stop talking to my family (mom & sister) or in general, rest when I’m tired, and work on completing my Ayurvedic courses for Animals so I can start this aspect of my business and generate more income.
I need a therapist!