Have Any of You Dealt With Feeling Left Out of A Partner's Recovery Process?



Has anyone else been through dealing with feelings of being left out of a partner’s beginning stages of recovery?
A little back story:
My SO came clean to me in Oct 2018 about an ongoing addiction to heroin. Throughout the last year, he tried sobriety, relapsed. Christmas Eve of 2018 I told his mother out of feeling totally helpless with dealing with this alone. After that he went through HA (Heroin Anonymous) for about a month. Since then it’s been me fighting to gain his mother’s trust so she does not just see me as overthinking or lack of trusting him therefore I am accusing him of using again. Last week this finally came to ahead while he was dog sitting for his mom while she was out of town. He was alone for the week with her vehicle at his dispense.

I caught him passed out in her home, heroin paraphernalia on his table. We got into a huge argument and I left. He did not contact me until afternoon of the following day. Where he asked me to have dinner with him.

At this dinner, he informed me that he had been using, etc. And that he had this same conversation with his mother the night before after I went back home. Told me all about a plan the two of them have come up with. How she is working out the insurance details for him, etc.

While I am so grateful this finally ended up in him telling half of the truth and seeking another route to recovery, I almost felt offended that I was the last one to be notified. I know, how selfish of me, right? But i felt like, I am the one dealing with this day in and day out. Begging her to trust me and stop believing everything he tells her. I deal with investigating and damn near could be a licensed detective at this point. I do the groundwork and deal with the majority of all of the stress because she is distanced from it. She only deals when I choose to inform her of occurrences with her son.

I have tried to think of it from his thought process, but I feel it’s just another way to keep me and his mom separate from one another. Basically so we don’t come together and not allow him to manipulate us against one another by him controlling the narrative.

I am just feeling really hurt and left out. As childish as that sounds. I would think I would be involved in these plans as it directly affects our life together. Financially and otherwise.

If I am being super self involved please someone slap me back to reality!!!


Of course you’re being self involved, you’re human! We’re all self involved and it takes a lot of work to let go of the thoughts that we should control everything and everyone around us. This is totally normal human behavior.

Even though it’s normal, your desire to control the situation is causing you a lot of pain, right?

So ask yourself some questions just to consider:
-So what if they leave me out? Where else could I put my attention to better use?
-What am I creating in my life when I try to control his use and his recovery?
-How is this perfect for me?
-How do I WANT to show up in this situation?


@Karilyn Thank you for your feedback! And you’re so so right. I hadn’t even thought of it in a “trying to maintain control” manner and was instead viewing it in a “what the hell?!” manner. But it’s so true, I am just trying to control the uncontrollable. What I can instead control, is how I view the situation, how I choose to react and behave throughout it, and what perspective is healthier to maintain. Your comments definitely helped me to look outside of my own head! :pray::pray::slightly_smiling_face: