He stole from me - not once, but 3 times. What should I do to protect myself from it happening again?

self-care
boundaries
#1

I think that when I let him back in the apartment that I should draw up a legal prenup (we will be common law in February), a safe (to put my wallet when I go to bed), and as I have made it clear to him that his dog is his responsibility that the burden will return to me when he moves home. He works nights so I take care of the dog usually but I wanted him to really understand what responsibility is so I told him that he should have the dog.

What others steps should I look at to make it clear to him there are consequences for his actions and most importantly to protect myself?

#2

From my experience, there is no explaining the consequences. If they have already decided they want to go get whatever drug of choice, then they will however they need to. If they don’t have cash of they’re own then your money could be fair game. It sounds terrible but it’s true, it’s the addiction. My fiance has had times when she wasn’t working where she consistently stole cash out of my wallet, took my debit card to an atm without me knowing or claiming she needed it to go shopping with her Mom which ended up being false. Even as far as taking a blank check of mine and taking money out of the bank. I’d advise to lock up like you said your wallet, card and any checks you might have. Depending on where he’s at with his recovery and if you trust him or not, don’t give any money or your card if he asks for it.

#3

Thank you so much for your insight @Dean_Acton

I just ordered a safe. I was on the fence to it seeming a little ridiculous but I was pretty certain that I was just being cautious and sensible. You reconfirmed my latter feelings. I appreciate this immensely.

I wonder if this means that for the rest of my relationship with my boyfriend (which I always envisioned would be forever until just recently with our relationship breaking down because of his addictions) I will constantly be watching out and vigilant to my financial situation. Does that mean for the rest of my life (if my boyfriend and I end up together forever) I will never feel safe and secure because of his addictions? Am I committing myself to a ‘hard’ life because of love? Does it ever let up?

I realize I am in the beginning process for his recovery but I am so conflicted to whether I should commit myself to someone I knowingly will never be able to fully trust again?

#5

@EMM89 This a good question, definitely something I struggled with in the beginning as well. It does get better though, given the right support, motivation and treatment and also making sure you are taking care of yourself. You can move in the direction of trust again in time. Recovery is always possible and it’s definitely a tough road to travel but it’ll let up and they will get stronger for it. You most definitely can have a normal, loving and trusting relationship in time.

#7

This can be one of those frustrating parts of being in our position. Yes, like @Dean_Acton mentioned if they are in active use there is difficulty in reasoning with them due to the substance seeking behavior. So, when we’re faced with situations where we feel like we can’t do anything effective, it’s important to remember that we can do things to control our environment! @EMM89 regarding stealing money/credit cards, my advice is to take advantage of technology and load your credit cards to your phone (most stores take Apple Pay or Samsung Pay) and keep your phone locked! Then keep your actual cards in a safe. This is one action you can take to protect yourself from it happening again. Hope it helps!

#6

I’m on the recovery journey with my husband too and we’re 3 years post-rehab and he’s doing better and better but there are still hiccups and recovery needed. It is a LONG process. And I can definitely be a cheerleader for sticking with it (as I have) but also understand that every situation and relationship can be different and that is OK - we’ll support you which ever way you need to go. Know also that there can be times when taking a break can be beneficial if needed.

Any way, it’s worked out well for our relationship and like I said we’re on the up in general! Though I still find it frustrating when my husband (in my opinion) overspends on alcohol, his real drug of choice was cocaine, so he does still drink and it really erks me that his threshold for spending on these things is so different to mine.

#8

Just a quick update
I have been trying to concentrate on the end of my final semester in my undergrad. Have been trying to focus on this and have put some plans for solidifying my relationship with my boyfriend in the aftermath of his addictions.
Although I did let him move back in. I took everyone’s advice though and made sure I had a safe ready for my cheque’s and my wallet. I did tell him when he moved back in that we needed to go to couples counselling, we needed to set up a relapse plan as @Dean_Acton had mentioned in another post, and I also told him what I wanted in the next 5 years.
We have yet to seek out a couples counseloe who’s appropriate for our budget and have yet to sit down and really talk about what a relapse plan entail or even write one up. As I said I’m just trying to focus on my BA in psychology that I’ll recieve hopefully by the end of December. I’m trying to put his needs and our relationships status on the back burner. I need to take this time for myself.
As expected their have been some hiccups. Yesterday he promised me he would look at my thesis paper this morning. As with every morning I woke up before him and took the dog for a walk. After I came home from walking the dog an hour had passed and he was still asleep. I reminded him he was going to look at my paper before work and he also had the responsibility of taking the dog out before he went to work. He got upset and mumbled rude things so I told him nothing had changed. I know I had said that in annoyance and I apologized but I did make it clear that I was not going put up with the same behaviour as before. I told him how I was tired of asking him to wake up all the time and he needed to start creating good routines and habits.
It’s hard for him because he’s a head chef and closes the restaurant so he usually gets home and I’m sleeping already. This is where the problems started. Hence why I have the safe because I don’t want my wallet left out for him to go into when I’m not there to monitor his behaviour.
I told him what I wanted in the next 5 years because I felt as though this whole thing has really made me realize what I want. He told me he couldn’t see anything past the next day. I understand this cuz AA teaches you a one day at a time attitude. I did lay it out for him that I wanted children in the next 5 years and to have a legal binding document within the next 3 years. So I completely get that this could freak anyone out. I wanted to be clear of where I am standing though. I told him that within a year I need him to figure out where he stands and let me know. I don’t want to stress him out or overburden him especially at this moment when he is figuring out his mental health and addictions. But I don’t think it’s fair for him to continue to waste my time if he cannot offer me these things. I told him I’m willing to be there for him while he figures himself out but if he does not see a future with us next year then why am I wasting my time fighting for this?
I also told him I’m still going to travel to Mexico in February (we planned to do this trip together). I told him I wouldn’t let him also ruin my graduation (on my birthday his addictions and theft came to my attention so my birthday was ruined). He has been really good and supportive. It must hurt him hearing me talk about it. But the real test will come when I leave him in the apartment for a month. With the knowledge that he has the apartment to himself for so long, with my posts on social media, and with the knowledge that this was supposed to be our trip to celebrate my graduation I know this will be really hard for him.
So we still have a lot to work out and a lot of things need to be looked at. I’m happy he is home but afraid he is getting back into bad habits already (not his addictions but his bad sleeping habits combined with his lacking responsibility for the dog).