He stole my debit card - a huge line crossed - what do I do?

trust
heroin
#1

Okay, newest development. It looks like he stole my debit card yesterday and has used my card 3 different times. This is a huge line. I can take him lying to me, but stealing from me? Now I am pissed off. What do I do??? ! :angry:

#2

This is a toughy! How do we keep supporting - tolerating and coping - with the crazy antics we face when a loved one is in active addiction?

It’s not right to steal from someone let alone someone who is caring for you, yet addiction is a hijack of the brain. We know they are not in their right mind.

Can you find a sober window to discuss this incident with them? They still can feel right and wrong it just gets taken over with cravings, withdrawal and being under the influence of substances.

And additionally find a way to protect yourself from it happening again? I’d be very interested to hear how others have dealt with this too. You are certainly not the only one.

Sending <3

#6

I would really like to hear some prespectives and action plans to save yourself from this happening again.
As I have said in another discussion board I kicked my boyfriend of 4 years out of our apartment cuz he stole from me 3 times, twice on my credit cards and once on my debit card. The first time I found out I addressed this disrespectful act to him and told him he needed to figure his gambling out. He deleted the apps and paid me back the $600 he took from me within a week.
The second time I found out he was charging my credit card his poker bets was the worst. It was the night before my birthday and I knew he had actually stolen my card from my wallet because I changed all my card information after the first time he stole from me. I told him that deleting his apps wasn’t enough and gave him an ultimatum that if he did not seek help I would not continue a relationship with him. He paid me back within 3 days.
The third time was the kicker, it was the least amount of money stolen but it was so incredibly disrespectful. I had told him that night that I wouldn’t lend him a pack of smokes because he still owed me from the second time he stole from me and he needed to pay me my $400 for that months payment plan (I forgot to mention over the 4 years we have been together I have lent him so much money and he still owes me, at that time, $6000). So we fought about how I wouldn’t lend him a pack of cigarettes then I think he understands that I’m not going to enable his debt so I go to bed. He supposedly came into the bedroom with all the lights out and me still and asked me if he could borrow my debit card. He says I said yes and I rationalized it with him later that that was not consensual. I told him in no way was I in the state of mind to object because I love him so much I instinctively would give him anything. But this is where I need to put my foot down and clearly I had already before I went to sleep. So he went into my wallet again and stole my debit card and ‘forgot’ to inform me that he had done so. So when I found the charge the next day on my bank statement I lost it. I texted his comanager and told him to tell my boyfriend I wanted emery single penny back in my account. I then kicked him out of our apartment and he has now been at his parents place for a month.
As I said in an earlier post he is on the road to recovery. He is regularly in AA meetings, is seeing a private therapist and is joining a gambling program next week. This is all positive. I am so proud of the work he has done so far but it is hard to envision myself ever trusting him.
I told him that I would let him back in the apartment if he got his foot in the door to addressing his gambling addiction along side him continuing private counselling and his AA meetings. I feel that is good for him to keep busy but I worry it is a little too much. I don’t want to stress him out but I don’t feel I need to or should treat him like a unique butterfly.
I am graduating in December and want to travel to Mexico. We were planning on traveling there together but now that that won’t happen. Even if he gets his debt in order by the time I want to leave it would be a somewhat different trip without alcohol. I also can’t in my heart of hearts allow him to go on vacation as if he hasn’t just done what he has done.
So I worry when I let him back in the apartment that I should draw up a legal prenup (we will be common law in February), a safe (to put my wallet when I go to bed), and as I have made it clear to him that his dog is his responsibility that the burden will return to me when he moves home. He works nights so I take care of the dog usually but I wanted him to really understand what responsibility is so I told him that he should have the dog.
What others steps should I look at to make it clear to him there are consequences for his actions and most importantly to protect myself?

#3

So follow-up… I was angry, and initially tried to get ahold of him, but I stopped, and did not mention it when we talked on the phone. I gave myself time to calm down, think about it, and think of a strategy. I realized this is not who he is, this is his addiction.

Later I was able to sit him down so we could talk. I told him I cared about him, and that I want to be there for him, but I can’t help him unless he’s honest with me. I told him I knew he was using, that he was not himself, and that I could tell. He asked me how I could tell. What was he doing that made me think he was using. We went around in circles for a little bit, him wanting to know what it was I was seeing and trying to explain it away. So finally I stopped him, and I asked him what he was afraid of in telling me. He said he was afraid of losing me.

I told him I knew he used and came clean about it a few month ago, and I didn’t leave. I caught him in lies, and he had had me drive him to meetings, when he was really just ditching and seeing an old friend and dealer. And I didn’t leave.

He still was hesitant to admit to using. So I told him that maybe there was something else that was stopping him from talking to me, and I said that I had figured out that day that he was stealing from me. I told him I was mad and upset at the time, but I’m still here. (I also told him I blocked the card and will be changing the pin number tho…) And I again said, I can’t help you if you can’t be open and honest with me. So I asked him again if he’s using, and he said yes. And that finally opened up a line for communication.

I asked him what he was using (Xanax), how long, how much, from who? Then I asked the why? What were his triggers? What was he escaping? It was a good talk. I told him I wasn’t going anywhere and that I am happy to help him in any way to make positive changes in his life, but that I would not help him go down the path he was currently on. I felt like he really opened up.

He called me today and said he wants to talk more tonight. So as angry as I was that he was stealing from me, it turned out, for me, to be a good thing as it was what finally broke through. And I feel like we are at a point with some good chance for some positive momentum. He wants to go to a meeting tonight, with me, as well. :slight_smile:

#7

Hey @EMM89 - Reposted your question as it’s own here so that others who are asking the same thing can learn more about protecting themselves against theft!

#4

This is ah-mazing! There’re so many things you’ve shared here that I want to celebrate:

Stepping away from the situation to calm down & get perspective despite being (understandably) pissed; Keeping your boundaries (blocking the card) while staying committed to your friendship (attending meeting together); Seeking to understand by asking lots of thoughtful questions to get ‘underneath’ the substance use!

Good on you @JGibbs. This is inspiring.

Thank you for sharing your experience & keeping us updated!

#5

I second @katie

Isn’t it amazing how allowing ourselves the space and time to calm down and think critically about a situation can break the cycle we have been stuck in?! I know that wasn’t easy, @JGibbs and I commend you!

Just a tip re: credit cards. These days most places accept mobile payment, so you could load your credit cards onto your phone and lock up the actual cards to avoid this happening again in the future. Just a thought! Keep us posted :grinning: