Helping my fiance get and commit to staying clean - feedback welcome!

relapse
trust
communication
#1

Hey everyone, I’m new here. Just found this community like 10 minutes ago. So I’m trying to build a relapse prevention plan with my fiance. I’ve researched it a bit, got an idea of the phases of relapse. Now I’m trying to figure out what to actually do, how to implement a plan, how to promote accountability and help her truly maintain motivation and commit to it. As well as deal with the lying, that I find to be the most frustrating especially in a relationship. If a relationship is going to survive, trust is key and right now I struggle to have any. Any feedback is welcome!

#2

Hi and welcome!

Here are some thoughts I have, based on my young-adult son’s drug use and now being on a medication-assisted program for about 2 years.

Relapse prevention is a noble goal, but it has been elusive for my son - even on MAT he has frequent times when his drug of choice still shows up in his drug test results at the doctor’s. I’ve had to try to let go of expectations for that and focus instead on his quality of life and his commitment to himself.

For instance, he shows up to his doctor’s appointments. This is a great thing he is doing for his health. Instead of me banging the drum of sobriety, I remind him nothing is more important than his health, and I financially support him in treatment by paying for doctor visits and his medication.

He holds a full-time job. He enjoys his job. Somehow (with difficulty) he pays most of his bills for daily living. He still has a relationship with me, his dad (my husband), and his brother.

I think these are the building blocks of long-term sobriety. However, we have not gotten to sobriety yet. I don’t know when that will happen.

I try to remember that asking my loved one to quit using is like me quitting my most favorite habit forever, something I love to do, that I can’t imagine living without. For instance, coffee. It’s really tough.

Regarding the lying, I have found that my son lies to shield himself from judgment. He doesn’t want to let us down. He also doesn’t want to face the negative consequences of telling the truth.

There are always different perspectives in life. I try to pick the perspectives that help me stay healthy. In this case, my loved one’s behavior and recovery are out of my control. I long to be able to make him well again, but I just don’t have that ability. It’s hard to love someone who is struggling with addiction.

I send you warm thoughts and well wishes for you and your fiancé. You are never alone!

#3

@Dean_Acton, welcome here! :wave: Your frustration is so valid, and your fiance is very lucky to have your support.

I like what you have to say @Julie_Smith about the building-blocks of long-term sobriety. Celebrating small victories.

#4

Hi @Dean_Acton so glad you’re here! You remind me of me! When my husband came out of rehab I wanted to manage everything and found it really frustrating that he wasn’t given a plan by the people who looked after him then. I have a lot to add, but I want to quickly say:

  • Please know that relapse is likely, it’s so hard to change any behavior, and it can be a part of recovery. Know that it does not mean that recovery is over, it can just be a bump in the road. Your fiance knowing that the world won’t end if they relapse is super helpful for them (my husband jus relapsed after 3 years in recover and he was so thankful I didn’t get angry or make a big deal of it, and now he’s back on stable ground - the smallest blip ever.)

  • Lying will dissipate as your fiance gets healthier and happier over t i m e. Again, it will take time. Recovery takes way longer than I could ever have imagined. And I kind of hate the word ‘recovery’ because it makes it sound like, kind of a discrete process, which I don’t think it is.

Mind sharing what the substance of choice is for your fiance? Might spark some more suggestions :slight_smile:

A quick note on motivation: when speaking with your fiance focus on the negative outcomes of behavior as opposed to the substance use - that’s a surefire way to engage your fiance in the plan as opposed to zoning in on the substance use. There’s a reason they’ve found it helpful and over time they’re going to need to replace it with other tools, but right now focusing on the negative outcomes will help engage their motivations to stay the path.

Celebrate every win, no matter how small. It means the world to our loved ones. Keep reinforcing how amazing they are and the progress they make. My husband hated when I continually “shifted the goalposts” which I did unconsciously - just note that it might happen to you too!

#5

Heroine is the drug of choice. I’ve been helping her for alittle over a year now, it’s been up and down. It’s tough for her because she doesn’t have a car, can’t drive anywhere, her friend groups have dwindled greatly because they were mostly using friends so she struggles with depression on top of everything else. We’re not really financially stable so that is a big stressor for both of us. After reading these posts I’m going to focus more on her quality of life, getting financially stable, developing a better social group, exercise, eating right. Developing things like that will hopefully give her a better foundation to grow off of.

#6

That sounds really smart @Dean_Acton.
Thanks for sharing. Heroin is yes, more scary for relapse so take my above post with a grain of salt. My husband’s drug of choice is cocaine - so though he fears having a stroke or some other complication it’s a bit safer than heroin in that regard.

PS. We’ve totally been there with the friend groups, the financial stuff (even still!) and the depression so I know how hard it can be and how much of a stressor those things can be - particularly the financial stuff - yuck!

Know that you are not the only one and it sounds like you’re heart is and you are focusing in the right areas. Stability will help. Take it a day at a time. Know that any one falter is just that, a falter, and not determinant of the future.

Also, the depression is something I wasn’t prepared for. It’s part of what makes it SO hard to stop using, because they feel SO crap when they don’t. I didn’t know that when the drug is gone all the pleasure receptors take ages to heal and feel pleasure from normal activities. Knowledge is power here for you both. Know that feeling depressed right now is part of the healing process in the brain and that it will get better (for you and your fiance) but it will take time.

Proving that life can be enjoyable without the drugs is important motivation to want to change past substance use behaviors. Whatever friends and family you can get involved to support you too will be helpful - whether it’s a phone call, coffee date, drive to see the changing leaves / get into nature etc. :slight_smile:

Please keep sharing with us here. We can learn a lot from one another <3

#7

May I suggest looking into suboxone, which is what my son uses. It reduces accidental overdose. It’s not a cure all but I think it has helped my son gain stability. His drug of choice is the same.