Holiday family get together - any ideas for self-preservation?

boundaries
#1

I am unsure how to handle the family “get together” for Christmas. My daughter and her fiance are actively using. I am not sure I can pretend everything is ok (my mother is not aware of the heroin use, she has health issues and I choose to protect her at this time). On one hand, I know to love my daughter “right where she is at”, on the other hand, I am not sure if I am willing and able to pull it off. Any ideas for self-preservation??

#2

@Robyn101 Thank you for asking this question— it applies to a lot of us during this time of year! The holidays can be a lovely time, but can surely bring lots of uneasiness, anxiety, and frustration to the table. My family has definitely had a history of rough holiday seasons due to alcohol conflicts on my parents’ ends.

It’s ok to not feel ok— sometimes pretending to be ok makes things much harder to deal with. Have you had an open conversation with your daughter and her fiance about their use? Does she know how it affects you or might affect you during the holidays? Even though it’s that time of year, your voice and feelings still matter, and they deserve to be heard.

It’s really special that you love your daughter “right where she is at”, but it is ok to feel frustration with her at the same time. Having a loved one who is struggling with substance use often comes hand in hand with these mixed emotions.

Some tips to getting through the holidays:
-See if you can talk to your daughter either over the phone or as soon as she visits about her use. This doesn’t have to be a long conversation-- this can just be you expressing how you feel concerned and want to know she is doing ok.
-Being with family members at this time of year can be frustrating, especially when you’re worrying on the inside while it seems like everyone else is having so much fun and enjoying themselves. If you feel like you can’t handle this, it is perfectly fine to go outside for a bit, take a walk, or just take a few minutes in the bathroom to freshen up. It’s also a good idea to have a friend’s number on speed dial in case you need the extra support.
-Do you have any specific tips and tricks that have helped you calm down when you may have been in a tough situation in the past? If so, now’s the time to think about having those handy. :slight_smile:

#4

Thank you for your wise words. I have had the conversation with my daughter (many times). She is aware of my feelings and assures me “she is just maintaining so she isn’t sick”. To be honest, the thought of getting away for a few moments didn’t occur to me! It can be done and I’m sure, quite helpful! I believe in the power of prayer and my family is on every prayer list I know of! Thank you for your great suggestions! It seems when we are in the midst of these feelings, the obvious doesn’t occur to us! Thank you!

#6

Knowing that your daughter is open with you about her substance use, I’m curious, have you set some guidelines with her about what’s expected of her in front of your mom? My thinking is that if something is agreed upon before heading into the family get together, you can hold your daughter & her fiance accountable/able to that.

#5

OH isn’t the the truth, @Robyn101! It can be so easy to put my blinders on - even when something as “obvious” as taking deep breaths is available to me!

#7

Thank you Katie. Yes, that conversation has taken place. My daughter is very well aware of what is expected of her. Honestly, that is not the problem. My daughter and her fiance are very good at (as most heroin addicts are) hiding, justifying (I’m so tired, my stomach hurts, I have a headache, etc). My mom does not know the signs, that is not the problem. What I am praying about is how am I going to play the game? Ashley pointed out some simple solutions that I plan to follow. A bit of background, my son died 4 1/2 years ago due to his addiction. I have been unable to come to terms with watching my daughter die slowly. It is extremely difficult to “detach with love”, and not respond to the lies and manipulation in anything but anger and fear. I am reaching out for advice on how to handle my stress level and anxiety. Thank you

#8

Grateful for the clarification @Robyn101! Looping in Village Coach @erica here who might have some advice on how to handle your stress level and anxiety.

#9

@Robyn101 I am relate to the anxiety and stress. It sounds you are aware of the technical terms but I agree the action or follow through is the hardest part.

My therapist told me that I wil be watching my loved essentially drive off a cliff because I have no control over his choices. And my husband has to be the one who wants to change.

So I started writing and practice deep breathing. The breathing exercise calms me in the moment. The journaling process actually helped release a lot of anxiety because I played out everything in my mind. I found great moments of clarity with these two steps.

#11

Hey @Robyn101, I’m so sorry to hear about your son. You’ve been through a lot and watching your daughter go through something similar can be triggering in many ways for you. I love the suggestions @ashleykm3 gave to help you out in managing the holiday family get together.

What I hear you say is: You’re afraid for what the future holds for your daughter, and your past tragedy with you son amplifies that fear. You also want to learn how to respond to her in a more productive way that doesn’t lead to amplifying your stress and anxiety.

Our professional perspective on the topic of managing our emotions while supporting a loved one is: Do what you can to make sure you’re in a good place emotionally so you can navigate the actual get together more effectively. Your wellbeing matters and makes a big difference (intellectual wellbeing, physical health, emotional wellbeing). The quality of support you give depends on the quality of life you’re experiencing for yourself. Think of the oxygen mask on a plane example, if you can’t breathe, you can’t help anyone else breathe! Your well-being and quality of life sets an example for the person you’re concerned about. In addition, you do not need to “detach with love”, you can provide her support, love, and care without condoning her using behaviors!

Let’s practically apply it:
Here’s a challenge: choose one and do it today.

  • Plan to sleep 8 eight hours tonight
  • Say yes to something you haven’t done before (or no to something you don’t want to do)
  • Move your body and get your heart rate up for 30 minutes
  • Take a bath
  • Go to a yoga or favorite exercise class
  • Practice an online guided meditation
  • Eat a hot breakfast slowly
  • Set auto pay for a bill
  • Clean your bedroom or wash your sheets
  • Read about someone who inspires you
  • Take 10 slow, deep inhales and long exhales
  • See a movie
  • Call someone supportive for a chat
  • Clean your refrigerator
  • Send a thank-you letter to someone who never got fully appreciated for something they gave or did
  • Start a gratitude journal, writing 5 things a day you’re grateful for and feeling how each one makes you feel as you write it
  • Hug someone like you mean it - let them hug you, and really receive it

I personally love the gratitude journal to start and end the day, it helps with remaining positive and optimistic.If you find you encounter any barriers around engaging in self-care activities, please note them down, and in our next call we can work together to find ways to cope with those barriers.

Find more helpful resources here:
The holiday season and addiction - this is a previous thread with more tips and ideas. In addition, if you didn’t already know, you can ease your mind a bit by having Narcan on hand when your daughter comes over. Here is a post on Narcan if you’d like more information!

Please ‘comment’ below so we can continue this dialogue, @Robyn101. I’m here & happy to help!

A note from Village :love_letter: : Our Coaches are trained in the leading evidence-based methods. If you’re interested to learn more about Coach Erica, click here.

#12

Hi Robyn,

First to begin, I am so sorry for your loss. My brother in law recently passed. We went through similar situations at family occasions, myself, my mother in law and my boyfriend of course were all very well aware of the situation and we always encouraged him to be honest and open with us. It definitely is hard not to focus and think on that while you are sitting there with them. I always encouraged playing board games or any other kind of game (that really worked well for us) the distraction really helped us or a nice movie (our gatherings were a bit small). Sending you lots of love xo

#10

Thank you Kelley! Deep breathing is essential! Journaling is a challenge! I appreciate your feedback and will get pen to paper!!!