How can I control myself from asking him all the kinds of suspicious questions a parent would ask?

trust
communication
#1

“Are you hanging out with the guy you used to use drugs with?”
“Have you made new friends?”
“Did you really spend that money on food?”
All of these questions upset him when I ask, but find it hard to control myself. My son is 37, and has been in and out of recovery since his early teenage years. At the moment he has 3 years sober and I am proud, yet find myself needing to ask these types of questions even though I know it will lead to an argument. Anyone else have similar experiences?

#2

I’ve edited this about 4 times - here goes! As a fellow mom, I tend to do the opposite extreme, focusing on the relationship even when my son is struggling with his sobriety. I am not the enforcer - fortunately, he sees a doctor for med-assisted treatment who has specific expectations. Also, he is mostly financially independent, which is a big step, so his life is quite demanding for him as it is. My boundary is that if he’s clearly not in his right mind, I leave. He is an adult, so life sends him consequences for his actions (good or bad).

You can congratulate your son on three years of sobriety! That is long-term recovery.

You ask how you can control your questions. Before you ask him something, check in with yourself to see if the question really helps him look at a problem behavior, or does it put distance between him and you. Your desire is for him to get better, and I feel the best way for you to help is by having a strong, loving relationship with him.

Also, one thing I try to keep alive through the good times and not so good is being able to laugh with my son. He has a great sense of humor, and it’s one of the things I love about him. Laughter seems to make it easier to discuss the more sensitive subjects.

#3

Thank you for your response @Julie_Smith! Because it’s been 3 years sometimes I forget to acknowledge how amazing that is, so I appreciate the reminder. I’ll definitely try checking in with myself before asking questions. I agree 100% re: being able to laugh - that has gotten us through the most intense of times!