My son has always been charismatic, genuine, brilliant. He has “risen to the top” at every endeavor he has taken on. Commercials from ages 10 to 19, after being raised in the projects of East LA by a single mother, (me); has an independent record lable; lived in a mud hut in a village in West Africia while providing healthcare; came back, and was preparing to travel the world with friends from Africa. Then, one of the women he was dating, (who had told him she had been in a serious accident when she was young, which had destroyed her reproductive organs), got pregnant. He made the choice to stay, provide for and “be there” for his child. became a certified chef, then a certified, licensed Mental Health Counselor. Along the way, fell in love with the “baby mama” was extremely devoted to his daughter, and she to him. Stopped smoking and drinking. 11 years later, as they were looking for a bigger home, he found that his partner was cheating on him. She returned to him, promising that she loved him FIVE times, before he locked her out… completely. He still had their daughter. Then, when she ultimately moved in with her boyfriend and, became pregnant. This was devastating to my son who had not only fallen in love with her, but with his beautiful little family. He fell apart. Started seeing and then living with a woman he met on-line, left his job gave up the place he had fought so hard to obtain, and…sent his daughter to live with her mother. He started drinking and smoking constantly. It’s been almost 2 years. His close and loving relationship with me and everyone he knows, just…went away. He becomes angry when I try to talk to him, about any of this. He and the girlfriend, who I know he does not love, stay with me during the week, and with his sister in Yucca Valley weekends. His daughter is…estranged and, so am I. I feel helpless, depressed and scared. He will not get help. Working in Mental Health, mo one can reach him. HE knows therapy, rehab, AA is all BS. I am not going to try to “get to him,” again. There’s no point. So, what CAN I do???
How can I deal with the gigantic life-changing change in my son, my granddaughter, and our relationship?
For the past few months I have not been allowed to see my 13 year old granddaughter. Her mother, when I requested a visit, (which my granddaughter & I discussed, when she was allowed to use her cell phone), texted that she felt it “to be in the best interests of all concerned,” to arrange all visitation with her and my son. Being fully aware that, due to her horrendous and cruel behavior, which caused my son to lose “his family,” he refused to see, talk to or have anything to do with her, this arrangement was not possible. We had always arranged visits, school programs, contact directly with her and my granddaughter. There is simply no reason for this. Regardless, she continues to ignore my, and his, requests and, recently blocked his # from the child’s cellphone. I am planning on going directly to the court to request a court order to appoint a mediator to resolve this issue. In the meantime, I am worried about my granddaughter and the negative information re her father she is given by her mother. All of this will take time and I am left feeling depressed and helpless. My son will not discuss any of this with me. My 3 grown daughters are living in distant locations and, there is no one with whom can talk to. I reached out to The Village hoping to find a solution to my son’s drinking. If I try speaking with him, he becomes upset, takes “a nap” gets up, drinks, and goes back to sleep. He’s just not…him.
@Jerilopez4 Thank you for sharing. A lot of times, things happen that just don’t make sense, and they seem really unfair.
You mentioned that you’re not going to try to get through to him again, and I sense this is because you know that you can’t control what he does, what he thinks about himself or his life.
So knowing that you can’t control him or anyone else, especially your granddaughter’s mother, the only thing you CAN do is focus on yourself.
How do you want to feel about this situation, even if it doesn’t change?
I’d like to see my granddaughter on a regular basis. Make sure she knows she is loved and vital in my life. Right now? It is very difficult. When she calls, her mother is usually right next to her monitoring calls and telling her what to say.
And, I’d love to have my son back. Mentally and emotionally. I realize HE is the only one who can save him. But, because we have ALWAYS had an open and honest relationship, and communication, it is especially difficult to let.that go.
Thank you for this. Yes, I will, simply love them. However, I did speak with an attorney who informed me that, while my granddaughter’s mother had filed with the court stating that he has visitation, he HAS to respond, and all the reasons that he must do do. I spoke with my son and, he said he would call the attorney. We’ll see. Now, I have to take care of me. I’m trying.
@Jerilopez4 Yes, these situations are tough. What if your only job in this circumstance is to love them? When your granddaughter calls, what if it was okay that her mom is right there telling her what to say? All you need to do is let your granddaughter know that you love her.
And with your son, whether he is receptive to it or not, you can still show him your love. What if you let go of needing anything from him (communication, honesty, working on his recovery) and just simply loved him? Unconditional love is always an emotion we can choose for ourselves. And instead of choosing to feel powerless, you can choose to feel that your love is the most powerful thing on earth.
It may not feel like the most “productive” thing to do, but many times it’s the most impactful thing. 