I know there is a serious problem, but my family is in denial about how bad it is. How do I get them to see what I see? And how do we start to build our own “village”?
I know it take a village so I’m looking for all the help I can get!!
How do I have a conversation with family members or friends who are in denial / are ignoring the problem?
erica
#2
I’ve been there before! When my brother moved to Israel his drug use didn’t stop, but because he was “out of site” my parents considered him “out of mind” and were in a bit of denial about the severity of his drug use. What worked for me was pre planning a conversation with my family about my concerns. I asked them if we could have a family pow-wow to discuss something important (so they knew it wouldn’t just be getting together to catch up). This led to them hearing my concerns and us coming together as a family to help my brother.
This is a good flow to follow when preparing for communication with your family:
- Ask permission to have a conversation: by doing this you allow them to invite you in rather than intrude, it allows them to be participants in the conversation versus a passive recipients, and by asking permission you increase the likelihood that they will listen to what you have to say and be open and receptive.
- You can now provide them with information you may want to share: offer, don’t impose, take time to plan out how you want to discuss your loved one’s substance use being concerning, and the signs you see that are causing distress, provide options to achieve the goal such as: work together to get information on addiction to highlight that there actually is an issue, talk to your loved one with the substance use problem about how they feel about their use, go to self-help meeting to gain perspective. If there is disagreement, flow with it so it reinforces your desire to work together to encourage positive change in your loved one. You can also use this time to share your concerns.
- Check back in with them by asking “does that make sense to you”, or “I just want to check back in about…”
If they continue to be in denial, then shift your focus on helping your loved one specifically and work on building your own support network. Before you invite people to your support network (your “village”) prepare what you want to share with them so you can be direct and concise.
Here are a few tips on what to share:
- What do they need to know about the situation?
- What do you want to say or share?
- What would you like from them? (I’d love for you to consider supporting my loved one in these ways… I’d love your support for me in these ways…)
By providing accurate information and sharing your concerns in a calm rational way, hopefully your family will begin to see how bad it is. I hope this gives you a little direction, and just an FYI, you’ve already begun building you own Village by reaching out on this site 
polly
#3
I think Gabor Mate’s famous quote - “not why the addiction?, but why the pain?” is a great place to start.
What I mean to say is, the traditional way of thinking about addiction - where it’s a moral failing, and we can just choose to not use is pretty pervasive and it’s not very helpful, nor is it evidence-based. I think it helps to educate people a bit about what goes on in addictions to get them to hopefully feel a little more empathy and understanding for what’s going on.
Game-changing concepts:
- A variety of factors go into why someone develops an addiction - taking away the substance won’t fix the pain - the reason behind the use.
- Addiction affects brain-chemistry in (at least) 2 important ways
- it impairs logical reasoning and decision-making and
- depletes rewards systems - meaning that if you remove the substance the person will feel even worse, making it harder to refrain from using.
If you speak from a place of knowledge about what’s going on (a little re-education about addiction) and empathy for what the person is going through and bring them to where you are, the champion for your loved one. They may not come along with you immediately, but the more you share and talk openly about it, knowing that no-one changes overnight, the closer you’ll all be to getting on the same page.
Another idea, in case you family members or friends have become a little distant, which often happens when a person struggling with addiction isolates themselves in shame, is to encourage them to re-engage with this person you’re concerned about. Just keep in touch, persist. Don’t take it personally if they aren’t as responsive as you might like. Stay in touch, be kind, lift their spirits - it helps.
katie
#4
I’ve been in the shoes of your family members/friend - for sure. Sometimes it seems more convenient to ignore the situation - at least for a little while.
How have things been, @acphenderson? What’s been working (or maybe not working) in building your own “village?”
I have a loved one who think I am ignoring the sitation, but the opposite is true, there are some people I hate to talk to about addiction, they come to me with a laundry list of there reasons why it happened, tell me what I need to do, go on and on with their thoughts…it’s nauseating! The thing is - I have tried everything I know how, I don’t have a bank account that allows me to put my child in rehab, and most of all until the addict wants help there’s not much I can do. So when family members confront me or want to “talk” I feel like I am going to break out in hives! I understand their concern and hurt but…at times it’s too much for me to listen to. If you want to talk about my loved one with addiction, please put on some compassion and understanding. I already judge my self harder than you can imagine and wish I could win the lottery so I could afford the program that would work for him. Sorry I am worn out!
polly
#6
This week my husband had a slip up. I told some family members, and I know they were shocked and disappointed but I wasn’t prepared to being told that I am not being supportive enough and implying it’s my actions that are responsible. Maybe I’m not helping enough but I don’t think people can understand how hard it is to be us, the closest person to our loved one struggling with addiction. Sometimes I have to do what’s right for me, I am not perfect and I can help my loved one change but only once I’m taken care of first and to ask me to be perfect in this regard and to always do the right thing or know what that is all the time is such a high bar.
I feel this everything you are saying here @Janine_Mobley - thanks for sharing.