I’ve never experienced addiction or been with anyone who had an addiction. I want to help my friend. They were in recovery and had been clean for 8 months. Their DOC is heroin. They used once and it was very obvious, and was back on the road to recovery very quickly afterwards. They thought for sure I was going to leave them, but I told them relapse can happen and it can be a part of recovery. And that I wasn’t going anywhere.
That was about a month and a half ago. I’m fairly sure he’s used again. He denies it. But has admitted to being further down a relapse path than before. He’s stopped going to meetings. He’s lied to me about having a sponsor and I’ve caught him in multiple lies. He has tried recently to be honest and I told him how important it is to me to be honest. He admitted that times he said he was going to meetings, he was going to meet up with an old friend that uses (and said it wasn’t a good idea). He’s been hiding his phone from me when he’s texting. And he’s been making late night phone calls. It also feels like he is pulling away from me.
So my question is, should I keep pushing? I’m trying to be there for him. He’s going through a stressful time, and I’m trying to support him, and not judge him. But does there come to be a time that my presence and concern is actually a negative thing for him? I have not had to deal with this before and I just want to make sure I am helping instead of hurting. Thank you 
How do I help someone that has relapsed with heroin?
Welcome here @JGibbs.
From recent experience, relapse can feel so frustrating. (Like, was all that hard work toward health just in vain?!!) I think what becomes important now is:
1. Taking care of yourself! We can only help when we act out of overflow. Fill up your own cup first. Make sure to eat well, get enough sleep, do something to relieve stress, connect with people who matter to you.
2. Get curious about what is beneath the substance use. What is triggering his use/relapse? Consider how you might be able to engage the ‘deeper’ issue.
Thank you so much for your question! You’re a kind friend. I bet others have more to weigh in here, too…
@JGibbs thanks for sharing what’s going on. That’s stressful!
Firstly, @erica and I went to a community meeting last night in NYC and got trained in how to use naloxone - it’s a super simple nasal spray that can be used in the case of an overdose. This is a first precaution that is highly recommended. Let’s look into how to get you and anyone else close to your friend trained / prepared if you aren’t. This along with making sure they’re never using alone are tips we received last night in the training.
Sorry to go there, but it’s really important.
Perhaps this is something you might have a conversation with them about. I understand that the addictive use of heroin can outweigh rationality around this, but we always promote caring and transparent conversation with your loved one so it might be good to reinforce the seriousness and for them to know what sort of precautions you are taking. Every 6 hours in New York someone overdoses 
Have to agree with @katie - making sure you are looking after yourself and have support for you through this stressful time is vital for you and the care you can provide to them. If there are others you can pull in to the support circle that can be kind and compassionate and share some of the burden you are carrying that can also help you and your friend.
I’ve always taken the approach that you mention - I love you and I’m not going anywhere.
Here are some more thoughts…
- Find a time when they are open to talk about your concerns about their safety - lead with that
- Suggest that the current support plan of going to meetings might not be working so would they be open to trying something else? 12-step meetings are not the answer for everyone and it’s crazy to keep trying the same thing that’s not working we’ve got to experiment with new ideas when the old one’s aren’t working! Other ways to get help - perhaps exploring medical assisted treatment (which is proven to be effective) if they’re not already.
- Be collaborative - engage them in coming up with solutions - this will have a higher chance that they follow through.
I’m not sure where you are located(?) but our friends run a great, cost effective, local treatment / group program if there’s one nearby: joingroups.com take a look
You’re right to be worried, you’re right to be trying to help. We’re here to support you and I’m sure others can provide more advice since my husband’s struggle has been with cocaine and my brother-in-law’s with heroin - I’m still learning too.
Sending <3 and support. Stick with us and please keep us posted.
I also wonder if you have anything to share with @Dean_Acton or vice versa.
Love to hear from some of our mom’s of children with same DOC and stories of what’s been helpful for you?
It’s definitely a rough situation. It sounds like he’s progressing down path of relapse considering the lying and hiding his phone. First off I 100% agree with everyone else about taking care if yourself before anything else. My first round with this situation I poured everything into trying to fix it and my health took a hit, I had all this stress and anxiety. It was awful and it does no good if they don’t want to commit to changing themselves. Secondly I wouldn’t say your concern or presence is a negative thing at all. I would, like @polly said, get to the core of the issue. What he’s dealing with he’s finding the need to cope through using. Try to bridge the distance, have a heart to heart about what’s going on at a deeper level. Work on finding building a relapse prevention plan, doing it day by day. Focus on building his quality of life and help him grow as a person. I used to go full attack mode in the beginning, confronting my fiance about using when I caught her in a lie. Sure I was mad and it hurts to be lied to and having things hidden from you, especially in a commuted relationship but long story short…that approach never worked so coming from a place of genuine understanding and love is the best route. Just have a heart to heart, try to get him to open up about what’s going on, why he feels the need to use, what’s triggering it and I hope it helps him find his way back on the path to health. Good luck, we’re here for ya
Hey JGibbs,
so your a great friend to try to support him BUT you have basically answered your own question . He Stopped working his program, He lied , hiding his phone, late night calls and he’s distancing himself. So, that being said, you need to help him see what he needs todo to get back to where he needs to be. You have to set boundaries and not waiver , you have to make sure that you don’t become as sick as he is becoming. You must keep YOU first, and not stop living because he’s decided to go back down that road.
Dont give the reasons to not get clean sober instead show him the reasons why he should !
Always here , feel free to private message
Kris Perry Long
Recovery Coach and Advocate
Ambrosia Treatment center
Thank you for all the great advice
I looked at the post about books people are reading, and one that stood out was Beyond Addiction. So I bought it, and I’ve begun reading it. I’m not that far yet, but I feel it matches how I am and would want to handle the situation.
My friend seemed to get better for a couple days, and then headed right back down the path of relapse, and seems worse than before. He stayed at my place last night, but didn’t show up til after midnight after I’d already fallen asleep. He then said he had a stomach ache and ended up passing out in the bathroom. I heard him up at 4 am, so I went and checked on him, and he was stumbling around seemed very out of it. So I helped him lay back down. When I was taking him to work, he seemed loaded. Again, denied it, and I told him it would be better for him to take a day off than to lose his job. He said he had been to work loaded before and nothing happened. So I asked again, so are you loaded then. He still said no. I told him I didn’t believe him, and he just shrugged. I took him to work, I can’t stop him. And if he loses his job, that’s his consequences.
I’m so worried about it. I’m not angry still. Just frustrated and sad. I miss my friend and I hate watching him do this to himself. I’ll still be there for him, but I do need to take care of myself. I plan to still be in his life, but make sure I am doing what I need to do for myself, first and foremost.
I know I can’t talk to him when he’s like this. I am realizing that, and I think I read that as well. I am trying to get him to be honest with me, regardless of what it is. And hoping that will help him to be honest with himself. I’m kind of at a loss as far as what to do at this point because I can’t talk to him like this, and I don’t want to shut him out. I’d rather he be somewhere safe when he’s high, whether that be with me or his parents. Would just being there for him/with him even if he’s high help? 
I’ve definitely heard that, particularly with heroin but with other drugs too, it can be advisable to make sure the person is not alone when using and yes to have a safe space. We just want to make sure you’re ok too. I think involving the parents and working as a team together is a great idea. This is a major feat you are undertaking so don’t forget you need support too.
*Cross-posting again to get some more answers <3
Also so glad you got the Beyond Addiction book - it was game changing for me. And it’s actually part of the reason I wanted to start this online community. Because those evidence base skills are game changing. But they’re hard to fully digest in a book and when life is so crazy loving someone through addiction that we need new ways to get the info out there and support one another. Please keep us posted on how the book goes as you read it and how it helps / how you try out implementing some of the strategies. We’re thinking of doing some group work around some of the CRAFT protocols they share in the book so we can work through them together <3
Okay, newest development. It looks like he stole my debit card yesterday and has used my card 3 different times. This is a huge line. I can take him lying to me, but stealing from me? Now I am pissed off. What do I do??? 
Sending love this thanksgiving - hope you are well, let us know how you are getting on @JGibbs <3
Hey JGibbs ,
So yea stealing is a big red flag, you have to create your own boundaries, and try your hardest to NOT cross them. You have the right to press charges on the theft of you can use it as leverage that if he does not seek long term help you will press charges. I know speaking from experience that its one of the hardest things to do , but it might be the excuse he’s looking for to get help. It’s how their brains work, they dont use because they want to they use because they don’t want to be sick.
Always here if you need an ear,
Kris
Recovery Coach & Advocate
Cross-posted as a separate question so we can get some answers and shared experiences on this topic from the community!
Show tough love. Stick to your rules and values and do not let them be compromised. If this person lives with you in your apartment or house, they cannot live with you or live where you live until they make a serious commitment to stay clean period and no excuses. If you give in to their alibis or excuses then you would be enabling them and they would continue to indulge in their addiction instead of making a serious commitment to stop using and get well. They would continue to be caught up in a death trap that enslaved them. It’s a hellish cycle that sucks every ounce of life in you!
Have experienced this unfortunately. Had to give them ultimatum. Luckily he made the right choice and has been sober 21 days with God’s help. Prayers for you!
Heart wrenching pray and let them know their still loved and there is still hope everyday is new