How do I keep the focus and energy on my own life, through my son's ups and downs?

self-care
#1

I don’t see my young-adult son all the time, so it can be like a plunge into cold water to see him and realize he hasn’t made as much progress as I would hope for. I always hold an image of who he is inside - the person he was destined to become, from the time he was that perfect baby I held. But the reality can look quite different! It hurts. I guess it surprises me how much it continues to hurt.

How do I get out of the funk of realizing, yet again, how much of a struggle his life can be? I can’t solve his problems for him. I try to keep the focus on my own healing - for myself, my family, the world, but also as a way of modeling what a healthy life can be, for my son.

#2

Hi Julie. Being a mom myself I hold similar images in my head from time to time for my 28 year old. I do get saddened for the “son” I imagine could be. Yet like anyone else, it is not the image we have for them that they need to live by or become. Al Anon helped me in readings and meetings to learn the concept of “detachment”. It took me a considerable amount of time to understand detachment is with love and compassion. I find Al Anon books with daily meditations and attending meetings help continue being able to detach. Learning this also helps in many other areas of life!

#3

Wow, I can really relate to this experience, but as a sister and not a mother! As many little sisters do, I looked up to my brother when we were growing up, and thought he was the coolest, smartest person ever. He had so much potential - and is still one of the smartest people I know (example: he taught himself how to speak Hebrew!). Similar to you holding

I always had an image of my brother getting sober and becoming very successful at whatever he wanted as a career (he used to want to be a surgeon). My reality hits when I see him for our weekly FaceTime calls and realize he is sitting at home during the day, not being very productive. I yearn for the day when he can’t talk because he’s too busy at work. Even though he is about 3 years sober, I continue to feel sad and frustrated that he hasn’t made any progress in having a job or career. In those moments I never think of how hard his life is, day to day, just trying to get his head to the pillow without using.

Here are a few things that help me when I find myself getting into that funk you mention:

  • I try and reframe my thought process to identify all the positive changes he has made in his recovery and do my best to make an actual list on paper which can be used in the future to remind myself
  • I make sure to appreciate that although he hasn’t made all the progress I would hope for, he is still engaging with others, making real connections, and seems genuinely happy when we speak
  • I remember that recovery can be a slow process - for every mile he’s walked into the woods, he needs to walk back out, and that can take longer than I hope

In these moments it is possible to find yourself doubting how far you can go, but try and keep in mind how far you’ve come, how much you’ve endured, and that progress has been made despite setbacks. You are strong and can handle this, you’ve shown resilience in so many ways. But when it seems like things are so out of your control and there’s nothing you can do it’s important to try and think of potential things you can do. @Julie_Smith it sounds like you are doing a great job in focusing on your own healing, and it’s great you do it for yourself and as a way to model healthy living for your son! Self-care self-care self-care! :hugs::yellow_heart:

How do others get out of funk’s like this?

#4

So true - modeling behavior is really important and can be a good reminder and motivator to us to not let ourselves get in a funk over our loved one because it takes away from the exact outcome we aspire to!

Don’t give up the unconditional view of his potential but do find some tools / practices to ground yourself in where he is at.
In my case - I have found my brother-in-law to be a great ally to me in grounding and being a bit more objective about how my husband needs to continue (2+ years into recovery) to shield himself from full normal level commitments. He is much more objective and practical. EG. A 3 day a week or 5 1/2 days a week job is probably the right amount for him right now - to feel some connection to purpose and productivity while also keeping some space to make time for unwinding his ever-active mind, sleeping, friends and self-care.

During my husband’s early recovery he told me I was “shifting the goalposts”. I think a visual of ‘shifting goalposts’ helps me course-correct from expecting too much and wanting him to snap back to some level of ‘normalcy’. He is not normal, he is pretty fabulous, that’s why I loved him in the first place.

I also like the concept: Keep doing the things that make you you. Write them down and check if any of them are slipping - phone calls with friends and family, walking and exercising, my work and reading are some of mine that slip and I need to keep in check.

Your son definitely wants you to be happy :slight_smile: <3 and so do we!

#5

I have an adult daughter of 29 years old. When she isn’t drinking she is back to the girl I knew so many years ago - she lives with us. Had been out of work 2 years, she lived in CA for 6 years, then her job laid her off in 2016.

It has been a very tough 2 years. More downs than ups.

You can lose your own life. I find going to meetings and talking or just listening to others helps me put things in perspective.

I still struggle a lot trying to get my life back.
I need to accept I can’t fix her but I can fix myself.

#6

Thank you so much - this is very helpful.

#7

Thank you for sharing, @Dreinecker! How have the past few months been? You mentioned meetings help you listen, share, and put things in perspective… have you been to one recently?