How do other families deal with each family member having a unique perspective on the person with addiction?

family
boundaries
#1

In my family, our younger son is reluctant to have his older brother stay at his apartment (even temporarily) because of his issues. I, on the other hand, want him to have a safe place to stay while he looks for another place to live after being evicted from his prior apartment. Even so, I understand my other son’s need to have his own boundaries. My husband and I live about 45 minutes away from where our son works, so it’s a long drive to stay at our place.

Right now, our younger son is more on the “tough” side of having his brother feel the consequences of his previous actions; we are more on the “compassionate” side.

#4

This is a great question @Julie_Smith over time I’ve sort of learned what to say to who - I try to be as open about things as possible. But some people (eg my husband’s parents) just need to be kept up to date, and others can be more drawn in to the support crew…unfortunately even some of these people - when I’m looking for support don’t know the ‘right’ things to say and end up making me feel worse.

I think we have to strongly lead by example to set the tone. Own the fact that we have an extreme amount of knowledge of what goes on in addiction and that most others don’t! In that way it’s sort of our responsibility to shift the paradigm. This is hard and something I’m not always up for. But I think that’s the underlying principle I believe in.

It’s like seeing people with ‘no clothes on’ when we have to give a speech.

Just remember they really know nothing :slight_smile: and we CAN enlighten them.

I’ve often seen my role as a ‘family translator’ - “this is what’s really going on” trying to communicate just how hard and long recovery is so my husband can rebuild connections with his family and friends.

Brush it off if they don’t get it. And just keep trying it. It’s like broccoli - veggies can be an acquired taste and we have to learn to eat them :wink:

And remember be careful who you go to for support. No one (maybe except for your loved one, in my case my husband) will understand HOW much support you are giving. It’s a thankless job outside of them. Be careful with your heart and who’s hands you put it in for your (our!) important support and empathy of our journey - I hope this can be a space for that too <3

#10

I’m very interested @Julie_Smith what would he say is his biggest challenge?

I ask because my husband similarly never would say the addiction was the problem, except for when he really hit rock bottom, rather it was the life/work/stress that resulted in his desire to perpetuate addictive habits. I’m interested if your son’s view is similar or something else? :slight_smile:

I found it really hard to listen to his rationale back then but I’ve learned and practiced to be better at listening!

#11

@polly Right now - my son has no apartment and no car, and those are obviously very high priorities in his life! (No apartment due to being late on rent, being sued by landlord and evicted; no car - due to an accident a couple of evenings ago where he hit a deer on our rural road) So one of those two is connected to the addiction. He would also say it’s been a hindrance that he has not been able to finish his education to get a higher paying job, and that his job pays so little. Yes, those are all stressors for sure. But our perspectives are somewhat different on the causes.

#2

Has your son with addiction issues admitted he has addiction problem?

#12

@Julie_Smith totally know what you mean. Makes a lot of sense.

#8

@Joanne_Seeberger_Pan, that’s an interesting question. Yes, he has. But from day to day, I don’t know that he would name that as the top problem in his life.

#3

This’s been really interesting in our family. My sister & I (and our respective partners) have all flip-flopped from “tough” to “compassionate” at one point or another - and all at different times. Convenient, right?

For awhile, my sister and I were having a hard time communicating because we were each so stuck on our own side, our personal perspective. Something that’s switched for us is now to essentially remind the other to really listen. “I know that you don’t agree, but just hear me out. I just need to vent/share/ask. Here’s how I’m feeling.”

Even if/when we disagree, we’ve at least reopened honest lines of communication which is better for our relationship & personal care.

#5

I raised my son as a single mom with the help of my mom and sister (we all lived in the same house - still do except my mom passed away 4 years ago). At first my mom and sister had no idea why our sweet boy turned into a stealing, lying, law breaking monster. I explained it to them and that really helped them to be more compassionate and understanding.

My brother on the other hand says if he shows up at his house he’ll kill him. Nice!

The more people there are, the more diverse perspectives will be. Having dealt with this for over 11 years, my personal opinion for my son is not tough love, its support, compassion and understanding. He has other issues as well. I live one day at a time.

#7

Just keep in mind that it’s much easier to judge than it is to understand. A lot of folks, especially now, are content to believe what they think is true without any notion of fact or empathy. You can’t make everyone see a different point of view. Good luck.

#6

Right there with ya @AnthonysMom sending :cupid:

#9

@BigMattS2K - what a true statement, it’s easier to judge than to understand. So true of so many things happening in our society. I try to live my values rather than trying to explain them verbally when other people don’t seem receptive. Living my values is challenge enough!

#13

So in our household there are 5 kids, my older two are addicts, both currently in recovery . At first they each had their own opinions on their siblings disease , from completely shutting them out to wanting to try to fix them . Eventually as the disease progressed , they basically went through all the emotions that I as the parent went through. As a mom to see all of your kids hurting was almost unbearable .
We found a way to push through it, with the strength and understanding and never ending support we found a way to respect each others views, to stop judging and over the years learn how to be a family again. It’s not easy, but the most important lesson was what and how was I teaching them , I mean If I couldn’t hold it together and keep moving forward in life, how could I expect them too?
Honesty is something, no matter how hard it is , has to be first when it comes to dealing with this disease. I have way to many families that hid, or lied about their kids having this disease, and when their child died, and they had to answer to their kids about why or how he died , they wanted to know why didn’t you tell us. I see families torn apart because the parents are hiding the truth .
Always here ,
Kris Perry Long
Recovery Coach & Advocate
508-212-7206