My son hates me. He’s an addict of all sorts - pill popping, meth, drinking alcohol - he runs to my lil sister, she’s 38, but it breaks my heart that he wants nothing to do with me.
How do you deal with an addict that absolutely hates you?
polly
#2
I’ve seen this happen in our family and I really feel for you. It’s heartbreaking and frustrating.
My conclusion in our family situation is that it will just take time. Addiction affects the brain’s ability to reason rationally, so I think that’s where some of these negative thoughts take hold. I believe that the irrational resentment will dissolve over time. But, it may be quite a lot of time. In the mean time, it’s great you’ve got your sister as an ally for him and you.
One thing I think our family could have done a better job at was using some of the positive relationships (eg. your sister) to share on your behalf - that you care etc. Maybe this would help dissolve some of the negativity sooner.
One idea I found helpful, is to think about the relationships we had before addiction as different from the one we must craft after addiction, we all become different through this process - so I don’t expect things to go back to the way they were. I think that helps make space to consider creating something new over time.
Sending <3
graham
#4
Sorry to hear about this. I have had the same experience, in a way where my brother appears to hate me and has chosen not to speak with me after recovering from a serious ‘rock bottom’ phase where we were very close to losing him. I mean losing him forever.
He has thankfully recovered and by all accounts is doing quite well, I don’t feel that I have ‘lost’ him and for sure at least he is not lost to us all, in this world as he is still alive. Sounds like your son is still alive, and therefore not lost. That is something to be thankful for!
I am the only one in the family he has chosen to block from his life in this way. We were advised by the specialist helping us through this that he will make his choices and that at some point you have to let time heal whatever pain or shame he feels, and just always keep the possibility alive that he will one day come back. We were even advised this before he fully recovered - that he may choose to turn his back on some or all of us.
One thing I know is that he does not hate me. He knows I have tried to act only out of love and in self-preservation by trying to help save him. These were not selfish or hurtful motivations. I think he knows that.
I am not sure why he has chosen to block me from his life, which you could see as being ‘hate’ - I think it is probably more to do with the shame than anything else? I don’t know your particular situation and what your relationship might have been like but one thing to know is that if your son is still an addict, then he isn’t really ‘himself’.
A couple of ways I have chosen to handle this might be useful to you.
I know that in good time, he may come around to wanting to rebuild our connection.
I also know that I keep my heart open and that I hold no resentment against him - so I am ready for that connection. I have sent him some notes in the past 3-4 years that express that - I should probably send him some more, as it keeps that connection open and lets him know that I am not judging him in anger. I have found this useful, to just keep sending out love rather than with holding it, even if he doesn’t reply.
Also, I acknowledge all the blessings that have come from his addiction and what purpose it has served in our family - for me, it has helped me immensely in evolving my sense of compassion and understanding. I have always in my life tried to ‘solve’ problems. This incident caused me to simply ‘be’ compassionate far more than I ever understood how to. So I thank him for that. I did not really know how to ‘be’ compassionate before.
Also, this incident has brought me much closer to my younger brother, because of a series of events occurred that we needed to become much closer. So I thank him too for that.
Also, this incident created a lot more honesty in our broader family as we tried to deal with the issue, so it has made me closer to my parents. So I thank him for that too.
I believe all these incidents are brought to us to bring something out of us - there is something we are being told we need to learn, or experience to become the people we are meant to be.
I don’t know if any of this is helpful but this is how I have become to be at peace with a similar situation as yours.
The sad thing is that me and my lil sister hate each other we dont get along at all im scared im going to lose him
Its so hard not knowing where he is or how hes dealing with life im so scared to get “the phone call” his actions are horrible his lies all of it! Everyone one says do “tuff love” i can do it until i hear a voice his of course saying “mom” then all the “tuff love” goes out the window my heart just melts:sob:
then im called the enabler im a recovered addict myself have bn clean for 15yrs i just want my son back!!! This is killing me:sob: