Resources are limited where I am. Small town. Everyone has a stance/opinion/love for their alcoholic. I’m looking for guidance without judgement.
I have been an enabler forever… I’ve been burned and now without a job due to my enabling.
I just wanna speak my crazy mind (that’s how it feels)…
I feel like I need that little angel on my shoulder telling me when to “just say no”, when I’m enabling.
How do you get past enabling them?
Mackinak
#1
katie
#2
Welcome here @Mackinak. Thank you for posting your question - I hope & trust that you’ll find this Community to be very encouraging, creative, and non-judgmental.
Want to point you in the direction of a few comments (linked) in these posts that might hopefully be helpful:
Is it enabling or helping my son make a small step to pay for small items like a haircut?
Should I clean my loved one’s home?
How do I keep emotionally supporting my son while dreading a conversation with him?
And maybe @ErinHill @Ginny @Julie_Smith or @AnthonysMom have some wisdom to share on setting boundaries?!
LisaLA
#3
Al Anon has stopped me from enabling my alcoholic boyfriend.
12 Steps
Meetings
Al Anon literature
Getting a Sponsor
Connecting with other Al Anon members
Most importantly, connecting with my Higher Power!!!
Al Anon has saved my life!! Cannot recommend it enough!
Jane
#4
@Mackinak glad you are here with us - this is exactly what this space is for - to share the weird feelings and thoughts and actions we go through when loving someone through addiction. And this is a 100% judgement free zone!! I know how crazy life gets when we’re facing addiction in a loved one - reality can become like the subject matter of movies.
I have a hard time getting on board with the ‘enabling’ concept. I think parent-child relationships may get complicated in ways I haven’t personally experienced and I do think in each relationship and situation it can be different but…I find most logic in this sentiment - if you’re not handing them a then it’s not enabling…of course money is better spent on food and rent than handed over as cash etc.
Anyway - love to hear more about some specific situations you’re dealing with and maybe we can try be that angel 
We do need to take care of ourselves first as we can’t take good care of someone else when we’re depleted. How can we take better care of you?
Sending love <3
ashleykm3
#5
@Mackinak we’re glad you’re here. Sometimes we can bottle up so much in the hope that we can “keep it all together”, but this usually ends up backfiring. You’re not crazy for feeling crazy. It’s normal to experience feelings of frustration and confusion, especially if resources might be limited where you’re from. We want to provide you the best possible guidance we can get you. Let us know which ways we can help <3
erica
#6
Hey there @Mackinak welcome! You’re exactly where you need to be, so glad to have you! I gather that most of us here can relate to what you’re saying, so know you’re not alone!
There are a lot of good tips in this thread as well: Self-care - How do I stop the same old worries about my son from dragging me down?
Specifically on setting limits and knowing what our limits are:
Knowing your limits is part of being aware and having reasonable expectations - this allows you to work with your son instead of becoming burnt out, not feeling connected to yourself, and feeling guilty for not checking in. The conscious act of recognizing how much you can stand makes your situation more predictable. Awareness won’t change your circumstances, but it allows you to anticipate what’s coming and plan for it as best as you can. With awareness (which you already have a lot of), careful self-assessment, and practice, you can continue to work on seeing your limits from a safe distance and even use them as guides.
I agree with @Jane regarding the ‘enabling’ concept. Helping out loved ones has become a stigmatized, judgement, opinion based zone because the general idea is if we help them we’re ‘enabling’ them. A healthier way to frame what the previous pattern was may be: Unintentional support of the substance using behavior or negative behaviors, for example: “I didn’t know that giving him $20 for food would cause him to buy alcohol.” But you can support your loved ones positive change efforts as well as new healthy behaviors without condoning their negative behaviors or substance use.
Like everyone above has said let us know how we can help you! 
A note from the Village
: Our Coaches are CRAFT certified and uniquely expert in training families to face addiction and get through recovery together. If you are interested in additional support, check out our online CRAFT programs at wethevillage.co.
rcgsunshine
#7
I really believe in the power of AlAnon/NarAnon. I do know not everyone likes Going to Meetings.
I often suggest that friends promise themselves they will go to 3 meetings. If they don’t like them, at least they have likely met a few other people, and can exchange numbers…they have someone with whom they can connect.
huckjb13
#8
Going to Al-Anon is a great first step. It’s nice (and yet heartbreaking) to see how many people can relate. And you can create some connections and have people who can give you advice.
Don’t underestimate the power of service. Doing things for other people really helps you get out of your head and feel like something in the bigger picture.
The other thing is to work on your self-esteem. It seems like a lot of people who are in relationships with addicts or alcohols are caregivers. In my case I’ve spent my whole life taking care of other people and forgot to take care of myself. During a really tough time with my partner Chris I took a pottery class. It was something I have always wanted to do, but just “didn’t have the time.” But it was really hard for me “find out what I liked”. So my suggestion is to do some self-care whatever that looks like. It’s not selfish and it’s going to help you love yourself.
-Jon