Or do you wait for them to reach out to you? Silence or persistence?
How do you know when to reach out to your loved one?
emma
#2
I think the best example of understanding when to reach out to a loved one was actually told better by one of my friends.
A couple days ago, I was hanging out with a couple of my friends and during a lighthearted game where we asked each other questions, he asked me if I thought he did enough to limit his best friend’s drug problem or if he was enabling it by not saying anything.
The moment that you have thought about something enough that you start reaching out to other people to ask them if you should talk to your loved one about it, you know it’s time to talk to your loved one and have a conversation. While it would be fantastic for them to reach out to you, it will often take them far longer for them to realize that they have a problem and they can cause a significant amount of damage in the mean-time. Even if they know they have a problem, they may not know how to reach out or worry that they may face judgement. It’s important to reach out to let them know that regardless of what stage their addiction is, you’re there to support them throughout the process.
erica
#4
Agreed Emma! We know ourselves a lot better than we may think, so if your gut is telling you to say something, it’s most likely an indication that it’s time to approach our loved one with our concerns.
My situation involved my brother coming to me and saying he had a problem with heroin use and wanted my help. It’s very hard for our loved one’s struggling to admit they have a problem and ask for help due to fear, shame, guilt, etc… so this sadly isn’t always how it goes down. In this instance, I had no idea there was problematic substance use because we live in different countries, but had I known I most likely would have not waited for him to come to me, and would have expressed concern as soon as I felt concerned. By asking my brother what had been going on in his life recently that could have contributed to increased substance use, and checking in on him when I thought he may be struggling, it my unconditional love was reinforced and he became more open in sharing his experience, which ultimately helped all parties involved find the best treatment for him.
In my experience, silence has been used when I’ve felt so overwhelmed as I try to help my brother that I’ve needed to take a break from the situation to recharge (and engage in self-care). When thinking of persistence, I think it’s important to be aware of when it’s too much. Some questions that come up to ask ourselves include: Am I getting on my loved ones case 15 times a day frantically sharing my concerns about their substance use, or am I coming from a place of love, compassion, and a desire to help? It’s important to be mindful of how my approach to my loved one is impacting them - is it helping them or making them feel worse? Are they clearly annoyed, frustrated, angry, or shut off because I’m too persistent? Or do they appreciate it and feel cared for as I reach out many times per day? It varies per person, and following the initial conversation with your loved one about your concerns, it could be helpful to ask them how involved they would want you to be, initially they may deny problematic use altogether, but if they know you care for them enough to have that difficult conversation in the first place, they may be more willing to ask for help when they feel ready.
Ultimately when looking at silence versus persistence, it’s important to think of it as a spectrum, and not all one or the other. We can have moments of silence AND moments of persistence.
polly
#3
I have found that, as frustrating as it can be for me, it always means a lot to the person struggling to keep reaching out however I can. Keep showing I care and that he is loved. Especially when I do it in a way that doesn’t set a trap for him to fail me or fall down - in an unconditional love kind of way.
If it happens to annoy the person I’m reaching out to, when perhaps they’re isolating themselves and perhaps spiraling downwards, I always caveat it with the context that it is coming from a place of love and care for them.
Compliment this strategy with the self care needed to remind us, the friends and family members, that it is not personal if he doesn’t (always) respond.