My close friend had to move back home and now I can only support her from afar. She recently had her 1 year AA birthday and she said she wished I could have been there as she has kept most of her addiction struggles private from other friends. She thinks they are not as understanding but I know they would support her too if she let them in.
So 1. how do you support your loved ones from afar?
2. should I encourage her to reach out to other friends?
How do you support your loved one from afar? Specifically when you live in different countries?
briar
#1
erica
#3
Hey there, I can really relate to this. My brother lives in Israel, and our family lives in New York City. When he shared that he was addicted to heroin while he was in Israel I felt so helpless being so far away! I drove myself nuts trying to find rehab centers or any type of treatment. And looking back the biggest thing that made me feel burnt out was this: I was doing it all alone. I then decided to share MY concerns with my family so we could be in it together. We wound up contacting one of his good friends in Israel who we met on a visit once, and he helped my brother find the resources he needed in Israel.
Sometimes if you canāt physically be there (and simultaneously deal with cultural and language barriers) itās so helpful to know your loved oneās support network so you can contact them directly. Now, in your situation it sounds more like a need for ongoing support. You can easily look up meetings wherever she moved to (theyāre all over the world!), and send her a few that jump out to you. This way youāre not pushing her to share with her new friends if she doesnāt feel ready, but rather offering another way she can begin to connect with others who can relate.
We know the opposite of connection is addiction, so I understand your concern - if she starts to disconnect will she start using again? Hopefully through getting involved in a fellowship where she is sheāll gain the courage and strength on her own to share her struggles with her friends. Some may be understanding, some not, but with the baseline support she can get from a group sheāll come to be okay with that, wonāt be isolating, and will learn to let go of shame surrounding her addiction. And Iād say to her the awesome Dr. Seuss quote: āBe who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind donāt matter and those who matter donāt mind.ā 
Jane
#2
Hi B, A couple ideas that have worked for meā¦
Starting with #2 I know how it feels to be a āsecret keeperā - I did that for years (and to be honest still do at times, sometimes we do it without even realizing it #protectiveinstincts)! What I learned worked for me/us was to help my loved one share the pain he was in or had been in with more close friends and family so we could all understand and support him more (or at all!) The more we talked about it the more it seemed like something we could overcome together.
I acted as the translator to help others understand what he was going through, and that he wasnāt a bad personā¦even if heād been neglecting to pick up calls etc. Itās part of the addiction struggle, not a reflection on not wanting or needing love and support from friends and family. Itās a reflection of low self-worth/confidence, which craves love but doesnāt know if itās worthy of accepting it, because it isnāt quite accepting itself yet.
Iāve even told or reminded friends to reach out and keep reaching out even when no response is received, this connection even if one way, still helps!
I think thereās a subtle art to knowing how / when to share on behalf of / or with this friend. I havenāt always known the best way to do it, or if I was overstepping. But a few rules of thumb I have used to know when it is appropriate are:
- Caveating with my friend that everything I do comes from a place of unwavering love and support and importantly are in the interest of my loved one (this way I can be forgiven if things get uncomfortable),
- Test the water together - itās better when communications include your loved one (this is definitely harder to do when not in person, where you are more easily able to show empathy, care and connection). Start with small shares, and if / when all parties open up (which may happen over multiple interactions), share a bit more.
- Sharing details that evoke empathy in others and also help them understand what addiction is like to flex their opinions
Now back to #1. distance across oceans certainly adds a nuance. I would perhaps consider asking my friend if they didnāt mind me speaking with a mutual friend (or two) to share a bit about whatās going on - this might actually be a relief for them if they donāt need to talk about it themselves, and they trust you to do so. Pick some on the ground friends you know are closest to the friend and start there. I try to keep communication as transparent as possible, when I can 
Finally, never to substitute in person interaction, but continuing to stay in contact is the best thing we can do. Show we love them, that they are worthy of that love, again, and again, and again.
<3
Thoughts?
briar
#5
Thanks Jane and Erica. Such great feedback. What you had to say really resonated.
Luckily my friend has been good at keeping up with AA meetings. She goes daily so I know she has that baseline support.
What you said made me realise that keeping in touch with her is the best thing I can do (and all I really have control over) so I will be sure to keep that upā¦ while gently encouraging her and I (with her permission) sharing with our mutual friends so she has support on the ground when she needs it.
