My baby’s father relapsed after six years clean and came to me for help. I was there for him and told him I am going to do everything I can to get you through this but I have to leave in four days to go on my family trip. I tried to set up a plan to have a few close people check in on him and be around him while I was gone and he promised to go to meetings. He swears he hasn’t used but for a lot of reasons, I think he has been. He was being very honest and open while I was there and I was being very understanding. I go home tomorrow and I don’t know how much investigating or how hard I should push to find out? I don’t want my money stolen again or to leave my child alone with him again without knowing but he’s staying with me for now under the condition that he is honest with me. So what are some helpful tips of what I should do and what I shouldn’t do?
How hard do you push or investigate to see if someone is lying to you about using?
This is such a great question and it’s such a fine line between pushing to get the ‘truth’ and showing a lack of trust in someone, particularly if they actually HAVE been doing what they say they have. It’s really challenging so I don’t envy you.
What I have found absolutely most useful in getting ‘truth’ is to get several of your closest friends and family to 100% commit to acting as ‘one’. What I have found with addicts as friends and family is that they splinter their stories, truths and lies between different people - so they fragment and tell certain things to certain people, and the stories end up all slightly different and in the end nobody knows what on earth is going on and where the truth is.
When we as a family and friends began to act as one unit with 100% open and transparent communication between us and our loved one, then our using family member knew ‘the game was up’ and that no matter where they turned, whatever they said would be shared with all the family, who was of course trying their absolute best to be there for them and help.
This ended up being the way to truth. Because they could no longer hide or tell some people one thing and other people another. Also, they knew that we would act as one and make decisions as a team so they couldn’t take advantage of one or the other of us.
What’s also important I have found is keeping the dialogue open and healthy, so if you aren’t really 100% sure they have been using, you might not want to risk damaging the dialogue and communication you currently have.
Best wishes and luck to you
I’m glad to hear he came clean and asked you for help following his relapse, and I also understand the doubts that arise following something like this regarding honesty. If he is being dishonest, it may be helpful to try and understand reasons for not being truthful as a way to empathize with his experience: maybe he’s afraid you’ll be disappointed, he may be fearful you’ll think he is weak, he may be worried about the consequence of losing you, he could be nervous that he can’t change and overwhelmed at the idea of going through recovery again following 6 years sober.
It sounds like you have pretty good communication in your relationship which is great. In preparing to have a conversation think of the following tips:
- Do the best you can to practice what you want to say beforehand (either write out what you want to say or role-play with someone you trust).
- Be mindful of when you say it (think of times when you tend to have the best conversations, and bring it up then so you don’t impulsively speak out of frustration or fear).
- Prioritize the most important thing you may want to bring up so you don’t pile on.
- Ask permission to have a conversation which allows your loved one to feel part of the conversation.
- Be aware of your tone of voice (if he feels you are approaching aggressively he will most likely become defensive).
- Make sure you really listen to what he says in response to your concerns; express empathy and acceptance toward their concerns.
- Validate any concerns he has (if he gets upset you can say “I can see you’re really upset right now”).
- Find a distinction between present moment behavior and the end result they actually want. (ex: if I know that the person I’m concerned about wants to feel connected (as we all do) and I speak to them in a way that divides us, I am actually reinforcing intoxication. This motivates me to find a different approach, regardless of how attached my ego is to my point in the conflict.)
- Choose something other than arguing. No matter what. Confrontation forces a win/lose situation. A divide. A hierarchy, an inequality. Reinforcing intoxication.
- Flow with their resistance instead of pushing against it. Assume that the person you care about is a valuable resource in finding solutions, so there is a validity in their resistance. Our intention is to help shift their perspective so that what seems impossible is possible.
- Remember that the person you’re concerned about IS CAPABLE OF CHANGE. And ultimately, they are responsible for choosing it and walking the slow, steady path toward it. Keeping this in mind helps facilitate the process of change.
How did this re-entry go @Letmein? I know I’m jumping in a little after the fact, so now he might be home with you.
My husband struggled/s with addiction and though he’s doing so much better, things can change pretty quickly. I think it’s a longer slide back to the depths of addiction but any relapses or heightened use concern me. I’m not sure what his drug of choice is, which can change things. My husband’s was Cocaine, and Alcohol was never the worst but I know when drinking spikes that things are not going great for him.
I think keeping really open with him about your priorities so he knows where your intentions and some boundaries come from - maybe…
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You love him and want to support him BUT you must take care of your baby and yourself first (knowing you can’t look after anyone if your self care is compromised).
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Also stating some facts - addiction, by definition, is a self-harming habit and it takes time (like a lot of time - 6 months for things to start feeling normal and 2 years to feel more in the clear) for the brain to heal and for habit changes to take place. During that healing process decision-making is impaired and depression is often felt - making it EVEN HARDER to keep from using again.
With a common agreement and understanding of this intention and fact maybe you don’t need to worry about asking for truth and finding out he’s lying. Maybe then we can implement some actions and agreements with him. Maybe for your sanity…
So you don’t have to wonder and worry so much: You will need him to take drug tests on a regular basis. A relapse might not mean he needs to leave or be a MAJOR problem but may be a signal you will both need to step up his care.
So you aren’t dealing with this on your own: You will need him to stay in touch and plan activities (maybe agree to some?) with friends (love that you’ve got some ‘close people’ involved - this is super helpful)
So he has some professional help: You might need him to see a counselor once a week during this early recovery time
I know getting a loved one who’s struggled with addiction to agree to these is a hurdle, let alone actually doing them, is another hurdle altogether BUT these are some ideas. And I think the main point I’m trying to make is if you can be very clear with him what’s important to you (the 1 &2 or whatever they might be to you) and get him to agree/align on these important truths, then you can have a conversation around some boundaries to keep yourself and your baby happy and safe and to give you the best shot of helping him - if you can - ask him:
How will we make it so I don’t have to wonder and worry?
What will we do if you relapse again?
How will we make it so we’re not dealing with this on our own?
How will we make sure you have some professional help?
Getting him to help come up with ideas for solutions to your biggest concerns will likely have the best chance of actually getting him to follow through on these.
Remember to take it a day at a time and praise small successes and progress (making the bed etc.) because any progress right now is awesome - and he needs to know that to keep battling in his early recovery to stay the course (when everything in his brain and body is telling him he’ll feel better if he uses.