How or when is it time to “throw them out” of our home or even out of our lives?

recovery
boundaries

#1

I recently started counseling around the same time I joined this group. During my daughters incarceration my counselor advised me to send her boyfriend home and not allow my daughter to live with us post rehab. She advised I have a plan drafted that would not allow her to return home. So I am asking how does everyone in this group feel about “throwing your loved one with SUD (substance use disorder) out? Whether that be out of your home, or your life?

I ask this question without offering much background information because my home life is a two couple one large house living situation which is not ideal or the “norm “. It’s complicated. To describe in a nutshell, our home is “All in the Family” style. Complete with Archie (hubby), Edith (me), Gloria (daughter) and Meathead (daughter’s boyfriend). Plus we are “All in the Family” generation two. Gloria has a son age 5 (who has been in grandparent’s care for the most part). Current Meathead came along about a year ago. My daughter has a peti mal seizure disorder. She has two co-dependents her boyfriend and me. And she has two co-parents for her son my spouse and me. Although my home situation may difficult I have managed to keep my sense of humor.

To be clear I have set new boundaries for my daughter. Our home can only be her home if she can remain sober. Relapse or drug use in our home will cause her eviction or cause probation to be notified which will result in her incarceration. Here’s two issues: How do I evict my adult child that has a disability? Is the boundary an ultimatum?


#2

I have been through all different scenarios with my son. What I found to be most effective is learning CRAFT, practice Harm Reduction, learm about The Invitation to Change,explore SMART meetings and love her where she’s at.
Why would anyone kick their loved one out Post Rehab? I think you have a great opportunity to support your daughter post rehab, probably the time she’ll need it badly. Instead of focusing on her past, try to praise her for completing rehab. I get the part about kicking out the BF unless he provides positive support, maybe it can be conditional.
One thing i know for sure is lapses are part of the journey …it is rarely straight.
And Love Wins
Good luck,
Carrie


#3

I have told my husband that I will support him and fight with him as long as he’s actively fighting. I will support him as long as I can see that he’s working toward sustainable recovery. It’s important for our marriage and our family that we want the same things for our family, and that includes recovery.

So when he slips, I wouldn’t automatically throw him out. It’s what happens after the slip that matters. Does he get back up and start fighting again? Or does he go back into active addiction with no evidence of stopping? He just recently slipped a couple of months ago and had a clean drug test last week. If he would refuse drug tests, or the drug tests would continue to be positive without any action on his part to try to stop, then I’d probably end up taking my son and staying at my sister’s house. That wouldn’t necessarily mean I was leaving him forever. It would just be the next step, and I’d take it one step at a time after that.


#4

@carriejo
I am very glad I asked this question and I am crying tears of relief as I read your response. I just did not agree with making my child’s situation worse by forcing her out and into a state of homelessness.

The area where we live is very rural and I was not aware of a homeless shelter in the area, until recently. On the day of my daughter’s probation revocation hearing, I met a person in recovery at the courthouse. He needed a ride from there to a shelter a few miles away. He inquired about a bus pass. However, this is small town America - no scheduled bus service. So, I offered him a ride and he shared contact info with me for AA meetings and the half way house director. It was a learning experience for me, for sure.

He invited me in to see the shelter and meet the director. When he suggested that my daughter stay at the shelter, I responded that she could live in our home and our family had the means to house her. I did not believe she would be in need of staying at a shelter. He responded that the shelter might be just the humbling experience she needed to get sober. I agreed to keep that in mind in case I needed a new “tactic” in the future.

For now, I believe 43 days incarceration and 30 days state rehab facility have helped her to become humble enough to value the safety, the security, and sanctuary of home.

Today, it is my intent to provide the support my daughter needs to stay on her path of recovery. I am grateful for this group, our sharing of ideas, and everyone’s kindness.

I have thought about and struggled with my counselor’s advice for more than two weeks. I cannot do what she has proposed. In fact, I missed my next appointment. I believe my forgetting was me subconsciously choosing not to deal with that topic again. I had told her how I felt about it. However, I was certain she was not going to let the topic to be dropped.

Unfortunately, the counselor’s advice mirrors the opinion of many in my family, including my spouse. My husband had become so angry, negative, and rude about their living in our home; he became adamant about pushing them out. All this negativity became overwhelming for me. So I asked him to not ask me to choose between him or helping my daughter. I told him that dealing with her life and death situation was more than enough stress for me to deal with and I would no longer tolerate his “bullying” and inexcusable behavior. I told him that just as I had chose to do everything possible to help her through this battle; he would have to make his own choice stay or leave? I even suggested we sell and go our separate ways, it was entirely up to him. I let him know I needed the negativity to stop. I needed support to help my daughter get through this alive. I told him that I would not be part of anything I felt might cause her to dive in deeper or simply give up.

Even with that being said, my fear is that my support may keep her from hitting “bottom”. Unfortunately, I continuously second guess myself.

The only thing I may know for sure, is that I will not throw her out, like “trash” I no longer need! Rehoming or a half way house might have to be considered if all else fails? However, for now, I feel she has suffered enough “punishment” and at this point, I would rather see how well she does with our support.

Luckily, I have worked with her boyfriend to help him become employed. I have discussed with him the downfall of being an enabler, which he must not repeat. I have encouraged him to become stronger, to avoid co-dependency, and to ensure his every decision supports her staying clean. He is aware of his boundary. He will no longer reside in my house if he becomes any part of the problem moving forward. He is to keep his job to support himself and begin building their future. He must consistently be part of the solution.

My plan after rehab is to establish those boundaries. Allow my daughter and her boyfriend to get things figured out and grow their relationship, without taking advantage of ours. I will offer her support when she slips and love her no matter what. God bless - everyone! :pray:


#5

[quote=“momentsandlight, post:3, topic:6475”]
I will support him and fight with him as long as he’s actively fighting. I will support him as long as I can see that he’s working toward sustainable recovery. It’s important for our marriage and our family that we want the same things for our family, and that includes recovery.
[/quote] I ache for your pain and I’m glad he returned to your plan after relapse. I do appreciate your sharing this experience. This has helped me have direction for my daughter’s home coming. I’m going to share a similar proposal with her and my family. Monkey see monkey do…why reinvent the wheel. I will copy your approach, shamelessly! Thank you!


#7

Sending you so much love @sammiesame. That is a lot to have in your home, and I hope you are taking the time to take care of yourself and your relationships outside of your daughter, as well. With so many people in the same house, it’s definitely important to consider everyone’s comfort level and boundaries.

Your daughter is very lucky to have a safe, supporting home to land when she’s done with rehab. I think it’s important to see this time as an opportunity to support the recovery that she chooses. What are her plans for recovery? And then how you can best support that.

There are a few threads in the community that address how to support loved ones when they return from rehab. Tap on the link to view the entire topic:

And just so you’re aware of other options, have you heard of Sober Living Homes? These are transitional homes, not homeless shelters, that are often peer-run and allow those in early recovery to get back on their feet on their own with the help of a community that has been through it, too. More info here and there is also a thread in the community about it, too:

So glad you’re here, @sammiesame. Please keep us updated on how your daughter and your family is doing post rehab. And I agree with @carriejo - if you don’t feel like your counselor is a good fit, then look for a new one. You can certainly support your loved one without kicking them out of the house. It’s just important to set (and stick to!) strong boundaries, communicate clearly and make sure everyone is on the same page.


#6

I agree, it will be great to see what progress your daughter has made…It sounds like you need a new counselor!


#8

Thank you and I have thought about alternate housing. Our area only has one homeless shelter and half way house that I am aware of. I have thought of the post rehab plan. Is that something that rehab typically helps the patient create? Or is it something she should request? would family involved be in drafting a plan?

I appreciate your asking about my daughter. Yesterday, was my first chance to visit her at the facility. I will not name the facility for now or at least not until she completes or I get her moved to another facility.

I was disturbed by the condition of the facility and their security process when I visited yesterday. The rehab was an approximate 3 hour drive and located on the “campus” (college style grounds) of a former state mental institution; that once housed 6000 patients.

As we drove around a number of buildings for over 20 minutes trying to find which building to enter and where. I noticed, peeling paint on window sashes, rusted pipe hand rails, and steps with no handicap access.

There were no signs that would direct us to entry. So we decided to park by a loading dock were a few other cars were parked. We hoped to find someone to give us direction. As we exited the car, my daughter had found us. She was walking around the campus unsupervised (she said that was not an issue as long as she stayed within camera view). We hugged and she began to lead us around the back of the building, down stairs, along the side of the building, and back up stairs to the front doors which did not have parking within 150 feet.

Upon entry we were met by two “house monitors”. They were either employees or long term patients? The security measures amounted to this: we were introduced, asked for iD and asked that we allow them to store our keys and wallets or return them to our car. We were NOT searched - pockets, coats, shoes, hat!

We chatted with the in-charge monitor for a couple minutes. Just enough to have her clarify that the facility did not offer 30 day inpatient treatment and their program was actually a long term 90 day residential treatment program. A 30 day I patient program is short term care and the 90 day residential is long term. She relayed that my daughter’s stay would not likely be short term as anticipated nor as we thought had been court orders. My daughter could tell by the look I gave her that I was concerned about this error. She quickly shuffled me off, before I could object. We went into a large meeting/TV room where we were invited to sit, visit, and have snacks. Where it was then mentioned that the one hour family counseling was not being offered because 3 counselor had quit that week.

When I needed to use the bathroom, my daughter showed me the residential hallway area. When I exited the bathroom I was able to roam this area freely because no one was monitoring our movement out of the guest area. And as we returned to the TV room we passed by her dorm room and my daughter opened the door a bit to give me a “it’s not so bad where I sleep” peak. Through the half open door I could see what looked like two dorm rooms combined into one. In the room, I counted 6 metal mental institution beds from 1950? I swear! The beds were arranged this way and that like a puzzle; leaving barely enough space for anyone with thick calves to walk through sideways. My daughter looked at me and said, “not so bad” and gave me a quick glance that meant “don’t say anything”. I nodded in agreement and we returned to the visiting area.

My daughter knew before I arrived how I would feel about what I would see. So she had not mentioned any issues by phone prior to my arrival because she did not want me to worry. We visited on and off for nearly 3 hours. Her good humor and her ability to adapt to unseemly conditions made me proud of her. I tried my best to not let her know how much where she had been placed concerned me. The only thing I said was that I was proud of her doing for her best to stay the course to get treatment no matter the conditions. I guess it is one step up from incarceration.

I’m am not sure how this facility ever obtained a license or made it through a state health inspection? I am very frustrated by what I have experienced with what are supposed to be “accredited” treatment centers. I always do my due diligence in researching and review treatment options. This place had reviews better or as good as most. After my visit I am thinking the only way a patient “earns” their release is if they leave a good review.

I want my daughter to have good quality care. This experience makes me concerned for her safety. She is stuck in a system that is broken. How is it possible that a facility can operate under such falsehood, be so poorly managed, and keep collecting payment from both private insurance and state medicaid plans?

I spoke with her attorney who I do not believe will or can do anything. I spoke with probation who thinks I am just trying to get my daughter out without her working for it. This is not true I have a problem with the facility and program because it is not as was to be arranged. Even though I believe someone made an error or someone deceived the person in charge of obtaining the bed. Probation flat out said it’s treatment and that I would not be happy with any program. Probation does not accept the error/deception and does not care that it is not the level of care that it should be.

I apologize for the venting frustration that is throughout this post. I let my focus slip. Her doing well in rehab is progress that definitely falls short of perfect (or my expectations).

After reviewing my words above, I realize I am still holding on too tight and must let go of those things I cannot control. I need to change my focus from bad and get back to manifesting better.

Today I am grateful that my daughter showed strength and appears to have a plan to remain sober. I am grateful I found her happy, following house rules, and determined to work their program to allow her to return home in the next 30 days!…and so it is! Amen!