How should I tell my recovering friend he shouldn't drink?

relapse
alcohol
#1

Or is it ok that he has a few drinks? I’m worried it may it lead to a relapse.

#2

I’m not sure what your friend’s main drug of choice is /was or how far into ‘recovery’ he is but I’ll share a little about what I’ve experienced in this area of concern.

So my husband went to rehab for a month specifically for help around cocaine use. He never committed to never using anything again but he knew the cocaine was out of control. I think he steered pretty clear of alcohol for the first 6months maybe a year even but he definitely drank sometimes.

Change and healing from addiction takes a long time - like 2 years +. My husband is 2 years + on and now does still use alcohol to wind down in a way I don’t, and would rather he didn’t. He is still on a healing journey and learning how to cope with stresses without substances, or with less substances, or without the harmful / overuse of substances.

OK enough about me. I would make your main goal to keep the dialogue open with your friend. You can’t help if you’re not talking. Be honest. Say you are concerned that drinking may put them in a place where they are more likely to relapse. Say you’re concerned about him/her and know how hard they are trying and how far they have come - say this often. Ask questions - what purpose is the drinking serving right now? Listen to the answers and take them onboard. Your friend is going through something super intense that we can’t understand - but we can try to.

Know that no one conversation will meaningfully change behavior so keep in mind that small conversations when your friend is most open to them will make a difference over time. If they bristle up hold the conversation for another time - asking permission to talk about it first can really help too. If they say no / not now, try to not look frustrated :slight_smile:

Oh also - know that on top of the brain taking ages to heal and changes taking a long time to solidify, when the drug of choice is removed people often feel really depressed. Though you want to see things get better immediately I think that knowing these facts helps us keep our expectations in check. Rally other friends to come up with things to do that don’t involve drinking, even if it’s lazy company when your friend doesn’t feel like getting up to much.

Any of this make sense / feel useful?

#3

I think what @polly shared is so useful and makes so much sense! I’d be curious to know a little more about your friend’s journey, and his drug of choice, amount of time sober, etc. All this helps inform how we, as loved ones, intervene. Also important to take a close look at how involved you are in your friend’s recovery, and whether it’s appropriate coming from you, or someone else.

I have a friend who was abstinent from all substances for 7 years, and I recently saw him smoking weed in a social setting. His drugs of choice were alcohol and amphetamines. I did get concerned, then I mindfully spoke to his closest friends about it and they let me know that he had been working with his therapist for months. They had been discussing him returning to marijuana use and were going to monitor his use going forward. This friend also told his closest friends that he was going to start to try and smoke marijuana, and was working with his therapist.

To reiterate what Polly said:

  1. Ask permission to have a conversation: by doing this you allow them to invite you in rather than intrude, it allows them to be an active participant in the conversation (who has a voice that is heard) versus a passive recipient. By asking permission you increase the likelihood that they will listen to what you have to say and be open and receptive. If not to talking about their addiction, at least it will allow a place to engage in some conversation related to their life and making it more enjoyable, or exploring what is going on that has led them to drinking

  2. You can now provide them with information you may want to share: offer, don’t impose, provide options to achieve the goal (to stop drinking they can go to AA (you can go with them), go to a therapist, talk to his doctor, go to group therapy, talk about your concerns, etc), if there is disagreement flow with it so it reinforces that you want to be an ally in helping positive change for the both of you. It may be helpful to offer activities that could be fun to engage in together! This reinforces the ability to enjoy life without substances.

  3. Check back in with them by asking "does that make sense to you", or "I just want to check back in about…"

I’m wondering if others have been in similar positions? And if so, how did you approach the conversation and what was the outcome?

#4

Love this and I’d add as a conversation tip for #2 - ask the friend to come up with options or points at which you might all get concerned about the use. Get them to do the thinking and think with them. It’s super powerful if they come up with their own solutions and talking things through helps them think through what’s safe use and what’s not. To @erica’s point - particularly when you have permission!