How the heck do you make the right decision for yourself?

self-care
#1

HOW??? When you don’t want to make the right decision, what do you do to fight through that urge?

#2

@Belcherkid12 thank you so much for asking this question— it’s a seemingly very simple one, but actually is also one of the most important. Especially because our answer to this very question may change over time, so it’s good to check in with yourself like this and reevaluate every now and then.

It can be so tempting to not do the right thing, even if its impact is tiny. I actually was going through this very phenomenon last night when I was scrolling on my phone in bed, getting anxious about all of the things I had to do the next day. When I’m anxious like that, I tend to not take care of myself (and don’t do my nightly routine) before bed. Then I don’t set my alarms either, and I sort of just curl up into a ball in bed with my makeup still on and fall asleep, even though I know it will make me feel more shit the next day (and I’ll probably wake up with some acne for not washing my face the night before). Sometimes, when you’re feeling depressed or anxious, it’s the simplest tasks, like a bedtime routine, that can seem the most difficult. But what did I do about it? I checked in with myself and asked myself, “What would put me in the best position tomorrow to get all of these things done?” And I already knew the answer: to just get up, get my routine done, and head to bed. Although I overslept a bit this morning, I definitely would be feeling 10 times worse if I didn’t just pause to check in with myself.

So I encourage you to do something similar! Ask yourself what the outcomes of each decision are, and then do a little check in— ask yourself, what action now could I take to put myself in the best position for tomorrow? Doing this little exercise not only helps you make the right decision in the future, but also allows us to better understand ourselves and the obstacles we may knowingly or unknowingly place before us.

#3

This is just my opinion, but I feel that if a specific decision is so uncomfortable that you can’t get yourself to choose it, then as right as it may seem, it’s probably not right for you at this time. Remember, after making a decision,you have to stick with it and that may not be something you can do right now. What I often do in situations like that is adjust things a bit in order to make the choice that’s close to the “right” one,but with certain differences that make it more acceptable to you. Good luck dear! Hope this helps.

#4

Great question, From Smart Recovery we recommend D E A D S

D = Delay . The mental activities of cravings and urges disappear over time unless you actively maintain them with your attention. Given time, they will run their course and disappear. If they aren’t gone in 10-15 minutes, then chances are you are still exposed to the stimulus that cued the urge in the first place. Just don’t give in no matter how bad the urge is and it will pass. All the urges you have ever had have passed. Once you have denied an urge, you know you can do it again and again. And after a short time, there will be fewer cravings and the ones you have will diminish in intensity. Waiting them out is a great step to recovery.

E = Escape . Just leave or get away from the urge provoking situation. Run away from it. Leave the pub so that you can stop staring at the beer taps. Leave the supermarket where all the bottles of wine are so nicely displayed. If there’s an alcohol ad on TV, switch the channel. Just the act of escaping the trigger will focus your mind on something new – which will quickly lessen the urge.

A = Accept . Put your urges and cravings into perspective by understanding that they are normal and will pass. It’s important in the recovery process to learn to accept discomfort. It won’t “kill” you and will be gone pretty quickly. You’ll feel good about what you’re learning and achieving.

D = Dispute . If you’ve worked through the ABC or DISARM exercises, you may have developed a rational “Effective new belief” or counter statement to help you attack your (irrational) urges and cravings. These exercises help you productively diagnose past addictive situations and develop useful tactics for disputing them when they occur again – which will help them pass much more quickly.

S = Substitute . When you get an urge, quickly substitute a thought or activity that’s more beneficial or fun. Take a walk or any other form of exercise. Pick up something new to read or turn on something to listen to. The possibilities to substitute (and lessen the craving more quickly) are endless. Think about and write down some possibilities to have a list on hand when an urge occurs. Then just pick one to employ an effective response.

Good Luck hope this helps

#5

Like the idea of substitution @Kris_Perry_Long. Even useful for non-using behaviors! Like when I want a chocolate bar, maybe I have a tangerine (it’s Cuties season!) instead. Now, how to hold oneself accountable? :thinking:

#6

One technique is called “urge surfing” which allows you to experience the craving/feeling/urge in a new way and ride it out until it goes away, emphasizing that the urge doesn’t always have to be acted upon. Urges usually peak between 20 - 30 minutes, if we let them. What is meant by this last phrase is this: if we adopt an open and curious attitude about the urge and observe it happening without doing battle with it, then the urge will subside. If you imagine that urges are like ocean waves that arrive, crest, and subside - they are small when they start, grow in size, and then eventually break and dissipate.

A few other steps you can take to respond to urges:

  • If you need to separate yourself from an immediately high risk situation, take action to do so.

  • Breathe: practice mindfully breathing to slow down emotional excitement.

  • Remind yourself that it is transient, a passing experience.

  • Focus on your personal coping thoughts and alternate sober behaviors. Consider the supportive coping skills and thought you can use and have used in the past to cope with the urge.

  • Remind yourself of all the hard work that you have accomplished in recovery and think through the consequences of giving in to the urge.

  • Use distracting or self-soothing coping skills until the urge becomes manageable.

  • Reach out to someone you trust for support.

  • After the urge has subsided, bring kind attention to yourself for coping with the urge successfully.

  • Congratulate yourself for strengthening the coping skills which will help you to reduce the strength of urges and increase your resilience in recovery.

The more you find yourself getting through urges the easier it will become, over time, with practice. And love all the above recommendations too!

Let us know how these work out for you! :grinning:

#7

When I want to escape my urges, I tend to go with my urge. I seriously need to “pause” more and really think about it. my sister calls me a one trick pony, like it starts exactly the same and ends exactly the same. then I’m sitting there filled with shame and resentment towards myself.

#8

@Belcherkid12 did you know addiction actually affects the higher executive decision making functions in the brain! It actually makes it harder to avoid spontaneity!

Please invite your sister and support crew here! We have so much useful information to share with her that will help her be a better ally to you. These are things that, when I learned, changed my whole outlook on my husband’s addiction!