How to deal with inner conflict?

boundaries
alcohol
self-care

#1

I am dealing with a lot of inner conflict about my situation with my loved one (ex boyfriend)…
I was very sad and wanted to talk to him so badly and was basically crying for 3 days straight so I called him, after 6 weeks of very limited contact after almost constant daily contact for 11 months. At first we just chatted and caught up. We talked a little and he is obviously still in love with me and I care so deeply for him and feel such a special connection and special friendship with him, but he has caused me so pain and trauma and lost all my trust. We were fighting all the time because there was so much resentment and consuming chaos. I was threatening to break up with him every day and he says he thought I never would and that when I did that was his wake up call and that if I think he didn’t learn anything from this, I’m wrong. He wants to prove himself and regain my trust and I want to support him in his recovery so badly. I am trying to keep a new boundary of him not knowing where I live/ being allowed in my apartment (I recently moved since we broke up) because of past incidents of him not respecting my spaces. (I almost got evicted from my old apartment because we got so many noise complaints from fighting and they only reason I didn’t is because my landlord was there one night and heard my ex screaming and calling me a fucking bitch.) I also feel lots of pressure from my friends and family and even my counselor to handle this situation differently… meaning basically no contact at all and no hope for rebuilding the relationship. I am so torn because my man is so committed to me and I want for us to grow together so badly but his past actions have not shown growth. He is getting his license back after having a DUI like next week and I am slightly anxious for lots of reasons. I am worried he might cause trouble at my apartment. I am nervous that he might start taking benzos again now that he can drive to get them. I am worried he’s going to get another DUI. But I am also so happy for him and I want to believe in him and I am glad he will have his independence back and I have to let him make his own choices and have his own consequences. It is much easier to do that with some space. I was driving him to the treatment clinic every morning for almost a year while he had this DUI because I felt like this moral obligation almost like I felt like I had to and I thought if I didn’t he wouldn’t be able to find a ride and he reinforced these ideas to some degree and would shoot down times when I suggested Uber or taxis. I hated to see him in withdrawal and he was basically living with me for most of the time. Even when he wasn’t, I drove an hour total each morning from my house to his to the clinic and back to his before i went to work, while he was not working at the time. Sometimes he would give me a break for a few days but I would be back to taking him and we would fight almost every morning and all day constantly while I was at work. I told him on the phone last night that I have been doing way better at my job because I’m not fighting with him all day. He was very understanding and acknowledged that added stress. Since I haven’t been with him, he has figured out a ride to the clinic without me. He has been talking to his lawyer and dealing with the DMV on his own. It’s a very freeing feeling for me and I think it’s empowering for him. I want him to do well and I want us to both be our best and happiest and I don’t know what our relationship looks like to have those results. Last night I had a bad dream about him. We were at his parents house and he stole my car to go to liquor store and I had to go out looking for him. But today, I had car troubles and he was the first one I wanted to call and vent to. I am dealing with so much inner conflict about the whole situation and contacting him further and where to go from here. I saw a quote today that said “what is hell” “the distance between two people who love each” and I felt it so much </3