How to keep my cool and be constructive in communicating with my son when he has a slip up?

relapse
recovery
communication
#1

How can I rephrase my words and my reactions when my son has a slip up? Because I can get mean.

What do I say after a relapse or slip?
#2

@Denise_Alarid I think we’ve all been there - letting our anger about the situation get the worst of us. Anger is a healthy natural emotion to feel, but it can become problematic when we become mean as a result. One tip to keep in mind in the moment is take a few long deep breaths. Just simply doing this can give us time to think about what we’re going to say rather than impulsively jumping to an automatic “mean” response, which ultimately we don’t want!

Something that has helped me communicate in a more effective positive way is a simple fill in the blank:

  • “When I see you (action), it makes me feel (feeling). Next time, would you mind/I will (suggested new healthier action) in order to make me feel (feeling).”
  • So for me: “When I see you smoking marijuana, it makes me feel anxious, afraid, and angry. Next time I see you doing this would you mind sharing with me why you’re smoking marijuana as a way to alleviate my anxiety, fear, and anger?”

A few tips to think about when communicating with our loved ones following a slip, or just in general that can shift the way we engage are the following:

  • Do I keep myself sensitive to this person’s issues, whatever they may be? Or am I talking about what I think the problem is?
  • Do I invite this person to talk about and explore his/her own ideas for change? Or am I jumping to conclusions and possible solutions?
  • Do I encourage this person to talk a bout his/her reasons for changing? (and listen to without trying to counter their points?) Or am I forcing him/her to talk only about change?
  • Do I ask permission to give my feedback? Or am I presuming that my ideas are what s/he needs to hear?
  • Do I reassure this person that ambivalence to change is normal? Or am I telling her/hi to take action and push for a solution?
  • Do I help this person identify successes and challenges from their past and relate the past successes and challenges to present change efforts? Or am I encouraging them to ignore, or get stuck on, old stories?
  • Do I seek to understand this person? Or am I spending a lot of time trying to convince them to understand me and my ideas?
  • Do I summarize for this person what I am hearing them say after they share something with me so they know I “get it”? Or am I just responding with what I think?
  • Do I value this person’s opinion more (or even equally) to my own? Or am I giving more value to my point of view?
  • Do I remind myself that this person is capable of making her/his own valid choices? Or am I assuming that s/he is not capable of making good choices?

Sending you positivity and strength - you can do this!

A note from the Village :love_letter:: Our Coaches are CRAFT certified and uniquely expert in training families to face addiction and get through recovery together. If you are interested in additional support, check out our online CRAFT programs at wethevillage.co.

#3

Another tip - when a person slips, we tend to want to get to resolution asap. But in my experience. Every time I’ve been able to wait and let the loved one recover a bit and then have the conversation it’s been more productive and collaborative and turned out better.

It’s so hard to get through to someone who is actively using, so waiting for clear space (if possible!) can help.

#4

When we find ourselves acting out of character (getting mean) it tends to be an indicator we’ve been pushed beyond our limits. I know this feels like a crisis, but it’s likely an indicator that some good self care for you here would help you keep a cool head and tolerate this tough situation.

What can you do this weekend to take care of you? (Despite the chaotic-ness of what’s going on with your son…) <3

#5

Great question! I usually make a note to say we are going to talk about the issue. In the next day or so I address issue to open a conversation. In the past yelling only got more yelling. Open calm conversation mostly didn’t work: sometime it did. Calm conversation always worked better for me which was a great learnings! I can now be calmer in other relationships because of this practice!