How to make him realize he has a problem?

communication
alcohol
#1

Everybody knows it, he is the only one who seems not to realize that he has a problem. I am sorry if it turns to be too long, I’ll write as I feel it, I think I just need to vent but mostly I think I’m just trying to get out of my own addiction of trying to help people who don’t want help themselves.

He is a veteran, was in the Marines on infantry, I’m proud of him for that, but it brought a lot of baggage as well. He has PTSD, manic depression, a broken big toe, migraines, back pain, joint pain, pain on his knees and a lot of other stuff that I don’t even know, the VA gives free medication and free therapy but he refuses to go and even lie about his feelings so they won’t think is so bad. After he came out of the marines he used to drink every day, he would go to work and go back home and drink, every single day until he was drunk, he got weight and that’s what kind made him stop, he moved to NJ for school and there’s where we met. Since I met him I knew he had a problem with drinking, when he drinks too much he tend to get aggressive and wanna fight, doesn’t matter with whom. We had a lot of fights because of his drinking. Sometimes he just leaves the house and just shows up the next day.

Anyways, we moved back to his hometown because of his daughter, he started to work in the oilfield, he decided to help his friend and told him to move him, and I hate his friend, he is just the kind of guy who doesn’t care about having any responsibility, used to travel around the country on the back of trains… anyways, he was in a bad position, lost his job, went to rehab because he used heavy drugs and my husband wanted to help, guess he changed it to alcohol, now my husband is doing the same and has been drinking every day, getting hammered drunk, is starting to affect his job, he lost one job at 5am on Friday because they both were too drunk to wake up, then yesterday they knew they were about to go on days on again but drank the entire day, he disappeared for 2 hrs and his job started to call his work phone and he almost missed another job because of that… I’m very upset and worried, his mom is worried he is gonna end up in jail or gonna die or lose his job, he already have DUIs, there’s been a year and half that he doesn’t drive because of that, lost his nice car because of that, everybody knows he has a problem but he is the only one who doesn’t realize it and thinks when I try to say something I’m trying to control him, when I’m just worried about how he is taking his life.

I’m about to be in a position where I’m just gonna wait for my papers since I’m an immigrant and I’ll disappear from his life, I’m too young and can’t take this anymore.

#2

Thank you so much for trusting us with this information! You’re allowed to feel upset & worried - this sounds like a lot.

A (possibly) equally long story in return: My dad was struggling with alcohol use, and everyone saw it - except him. I begged and pleaded with him to realize the issue, and he just snapped at me, told me “you don’t know what I’ve been through.” In turn, I decided to write a letter - which was maybe a little weird because we lived in the same house at the time - but putting all my thoughts down on paper a) allowed me the freedom to edit & refine what I wanted to say, b) allowed us both to give & receive the communication more “objectively.” Dad responded (albeit hesitantly), “Okay you’re right I drink too much,” so he gave up alcohol but (and here’s the not-so-encouraging part of the story) upped his sleeping pill & painkiller usage. It was still a long time until dad admitted a problem with addiction at large & got professional help, but (and here’s the encouraging part) the letter opened a dialogue.

If I could do it differently now, I might focus less on the substance use itself and get more curious about what is ‘beneath’ the substance use? What was triggering his use?

A few thoughts:

  • These CRAFT communication tips might be helpful to you right now,
  • And you mention “trying to get out of your own addiction of trying to help people who don’t want to help themselves” - I’m curious, what are you doing to take care of you first?

Grateful you’re here, @Caroliny.

A note from the Village :love_letter:: Our Coaches are CRAFT certified and uniquely expert in training families to face addiction and get through recovery together. If you are interested in additional support, check out our online CRAFT programs at wethevillage.co.

#3

So glad you’re here @Caroliny please keep sharing with us. I know these days can feel long and you’re watching every move and waiting for the next problem to pop up. We’re here for you through it all.

Also, to @katie’s point - how can we support you - and I love that you mention the mom is involved. I know that at these times having support of others around us who can also keep aware of what’s going on so you don’t have to feel so alone on the ground and keep the secret of how bad it’s getting.

Also, building on @katie’s experience with the letter. Would it help if his daughter wrote a letter also? Using the CRAFT tips can be very helpful to open that dialogue.

If you ever need a break from the stress, is there a friend you could stay with? Or even the mother? It can help to get away even just for a weekend. Especially if there are times you know he’ll be drinking, we’ve heard some examples of setting boundaries around removing one’s self from the situation when a loved one is drinking. It’s kind of like removing their reward, and it’s also self-preserving for you.

It also took my husband a couple years to realize he could no longer go on and that he needed some professional help. Though it would take years beyond that to admit he had a problem! I think for some reason it might be harder for men to admit they’ve lost control. My hope is that these run-times become shorter and that we can help you get there.

P.S. Don’t let comments about your ‘trying to be in control’ get you down. You are in a chaotic and volatile situation. Your response is totally natural. I’ve been there, I know how confusing and stressful it can be.

Sending <3

#4

Hey Caroliny,

Wow thats a handful. So in a nutshell , my first biggest piece of advice is self care, when someone is in the through’s of their disease nothing is going too get to them. He has to lose it all, and even that may not be enough for him to realize he needs help . Alcohol is one of the hardest to give up for a few reasons, its legal , its cheap, its socially accepted and on just about every street corner .
You have to create some healthy boundaries for yourself , and not waiver . It’s not easy, as he may have moment of clarity and agree with you but don’t be fooled , if he has a problem with alcohol it will rear its ugly head again. There’s a great book, called CO-dependent no more by Melodie Beaty, you can get it on Amazon. You can also reach out to the VA, and see if there are any services available to him, also see if there are any local support groups for loved ones.
Always here
Kris
Recovery Coach & Advocate
Ambrosia Treatment Center

#6

Good question, so the window of opportunity can come and go when someone one suggests or brings it up , its so important to not PUSH , but instead suggest, guide and encourage . Now how we do that is by reminding them how great recovery is , the little things are so key, not the big things, its how they get there . Its hard work with a big payday ! Family , love, support, family dinners, date nights , movies , visits with kids, family members and so on.
Always remember that more times than not, when someone relapses , they are so disappointed and fearful of rejection that its almost easier to keep using than it is to get clean.
We know that when someone has had good clean time , and then relapse its key to focus on the positive and not “kick them” when they are already down. This is also where its so important to have boundaries , and good selfcare habits in place.
Remember to always walk beside your loved one in this journey not in front pulling them and not behind pushing them. Allow them to be accountable for their actions!!

Kris

#5

Those moments when he’s ready for help are the ones we want to prepare for too. How do we take advantage of them to get him back into professional treatment? Those are our windows of opportunity.

#7

So good @Kris_Perry_Long <3

#9

Thinking about you this thanksgiving @Caroliny <3 sending all the love, let us know how you’re getting on.