Hello. My son just turned 19. He currently is not living at home, he lives with a friend which is not ideal however due to the situation he is in I don’t feel it’s safe for my other children (age 9 and 17 months who have already seen too much). He is on his second set of adult charges (currently on probation) and possibly he will be going to jail. He has struggled with mental health and drug issues since the age of 14. He doesn’t feel he has an addiction problem as he is not a daily user. I think he has a set view in his mind of what an addict looks like and he doesn’t feel he fits this. I’ve asked him if he didn’t do drugs does he believe he would be in the situations and he’s said no. I’m trying to help him without enabling him and seem to be doing well there. Any tips on ways to help show him? He seems to do really well once he realizes what he’s done, but it never lasts long. TIA
How to show my son that he is an addict?
Hey @Jamer, great question & I apologize that it went unanswered when you originally posted. Wondering if you might find some helpful information on this post, and also inviting @erica or @Marie_Marie to offer their perspective here!
Hi @Jamer,
I feel your pain! Unfortunately if he doesn’t get his addiction under control, worse than jail can be a real possibility! I know because I’ve lived it with my Son. Research addiction. You don’t have to be a daily user to be an addict. What I’ve read is, there are daily addicts, binge addicts, etc. If someone can’t walk away from “it”, or stop before they’re loaded, or steal to get the drug of choice, is a huge problem. He’s already been in trouble for using. Those charges follow through life, & add up with continued use! I don’t know what state your in, but in AZ, everytime you fail a drug test, or get caught, they eventually throw the book at them. I’m sure you feel the nightmare, being that you obviously love your Son, Unfortunately, we can’t guilt, or push them into getting sober. Maybe if you can show him the laws in your state of where he may be heading might help? Also the part about, you don’t have to use every day to be an addict… This topic is sole sucking. Watching anyone go through it is hard enough! The last place he want’s to be is in jail or prison. They always seem to have the attitude that it won’t happen to them. Preaching, yelling, etc doesn’t help. Do your best to not hand him cash! If you’re able to help him financially, just pay the bill. I agree it’s not a good or healthy place for him to be in your home with younger kids. Unless he’s willing to be substance free, go to AA, CA, NA meetings regularly & take a drug test at any given moment, it’s just too scary. If he’s serious about not using & commits to 90 meetings in 90 days, & or counseling, & random home drug tests etc, then he’s not serious. Look it up, & show him the facts. Good luck to you both. My heart goes out to you!
Hey there @Jamer, this is a great question, and can be really tricky trying to show someone that age that their substance use is problematic because I’m sure many of his peers are doing the same.
Substance use disorder isn’t a black and white thing, and is diagnostically on a continuum of mild, moderate, to severe. While I can’t diagnose someone I’ve never met, it does sound to me like there are signs of problematic use due to the little information you shared. When we use substances to cope with things like stress, anxiety, depression, our brains create pathways that encourage that behavior to be repeated when under stress, feeling anxiety, or depression.
Learning new habits to replace old ones help the brain to heal and create healthier pathways, as well as encouraging positive change behavior! So: THERE IS HOPE IN HELPING!
I’m going to as a few questions to get to the root of the best way to help you.
- Where is he and what is he doing when he uses substances?
- What happens before or in the lead up to his substance use?
- What do you think he is thinking about and feeling before using?
- In general, what is he using, how much and for how long?
- What do you think the positive outcomes of using are for him, what do you think he likes about it and how does it make him feel?
- What are some of the negative consequences of using?
In thinking about the above questions:
Where do you want to start? Are there areas you can make a change? Pick something achievable, measurable etc.
The more awareness he has of the negative consequences as well as places to interfere with the substance use, the more opportunity for you to help him be more mindful.
Please ‘comment’ below so we can continue this dialogue, @Jamer. I’m here & am happy to help!
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Brave Mom you are! Sounds like you are doing a good job on phrasing “if he didn’t do drugs does he believe he would be in the situation” My son believes the same. (28 yrs old) He had a breakup with girlfriend and blames that as he went down the dark road of depression and not caring if he lived - this is while he would not talk with me; yet I knew something was brewing. And I got the call to pick him up at the police station. Back now living with us after He was homeless for a short time and I would not allow him to sleep in car in front of house when he asked. He did rehab, 90 days and stopped. He completed house arrest and is now on probation. He is working. He doesn’t really believe he has a problem and I saw this in his late teens. It is a journey and I have grown because of it. He is my only child and it is a very hard line sometimes to know “enabling” or just doing things because they are your family: like picking them up from work or let them uber? My thoughts go round on this, yet I see he is going to work everyday and he learned (because he doesn’t read his paperwork) that probation requires “treatment”. He is lucky that he did choose to get health benefits with his job. He doesn’t ask for help and drives me crazy. So for now, he lives with us and has chores/responsibilities. I continue to love him, ask questions with respect; he talks with positivity when all is going well for him …yet in the back of my mind don’t always believe him or am I confident he will not go and mess his life up again. I do believe it is HIS journey. He is stalled somehow in his reasoning and truly has to learn on his own. Like anyone else, until you choose…
You are doing great! Just be the respectful loving person providing those gentle reminders!