Situations like this can be so hard and scary and my heart is going out to you. I’m sure most people on this site have been in your shoes at one time in their journey. It’s understandable that you feel frustrated, unmotivated, and drained. What you described finding above sounds like a lapse, and not a full blown relapse. A lapse can be understood as briefly returning to substance use, and responding to the experience by stopping use and learning from it. A relapse can occur due to what Alan Marlatt, PhD called the “abstinence violation effect” where a person attempting to abstain lapses and endures conflict and guilt by making an internal attribution to explain why they used, thereby making them more likely to continue using in order to cope with self blame and guilt. Both are usually seen as crises, however can be a natural part of the recovery process and potential opportunities to learn for both you, and him.
Before trying to be a strong positive ally to him to encourage new skills, make sure you take care of yourself, otherwise you won’t be able to communicate effectively with him and will have more difficulty gaining strength to help. During these times of surprise and stress from having to have a discussion about it can be really difficult. This news can (understandably) send you into a panic, but it’s really important to try and do things that help you stay focused and ultimately continue to take care of you. I know this is hard, but it’s important to be in a solid emotional state. It sounds like you’ve taken every step you can at the moment, and unfortunately right now there may be a sense of dread in having to deal with what’s ahead. It is possible to find yourself doubting how far you can go, but try and keep in mind how far you’ve come, how much you’ve endured, and that progress has been made despite setbacks. You are strong and can handle this, you’ve shown resilience in so many ways. But when it seems like things are so out of your control and there’s nothing you can do it’s important to try and think of potential things you can do.
Things you CAN do:
- reach out for support on this site, or other places (friends/family/support group/therapist)
- think about the conversation you are preparing for and keep this little guide in mind:
“When (observation), I feel (emotion) because my need for (need) is/is not being met. Next time, I would/would you be willing to (solution)?” This type of communicating helps reinforce you are still an ally but recognize that some things need to change.
- highlight all the positive coping skills you have seen him use to deal with stress and anxiety, and with curiosity inquire about the situations where stress and anxiety have gotten the best of him
If you make sure you engage in self-care, are mindful of your emotions, and work on positive communication with him I have no doubt you’ll be able to encourage him to explore new ways to cope that are better than using substances!
You got this! 
