I never feel happy - our son has put us thru hell and I'm not sure what I can do?

boundaries
self-care
support

#1

Our 29 year old son has put us thru hell and its taking a toll on our 30 year marriage He had been doing opiates but now is on suboxzone he has relapsed 3 times and has had hallucinations We have paid his bills buy him food He lost almost everything to his addiction I cannot stop feeling resentful and constantly feel trapped under a blackcloud and see no future of ever being happy…I am not sure as to what I can do


#4

Dear @annac, I’m so sorry to hear this. I am in a similar situation with a young adult son who takes suboxone and is not in long term sobriety yet.

You’ve taken an important step by reaching out to talk to others. I found that joining addiction support groups and going to counseling for myself have both made a big difference in my life and my own happiness. They aren’t a quick fix, but I have found them well worth the time and they have been free resources.

Your life and your son’s have great value. Your life is important for its own sake, not simply as the mother of a young man with these struggles. If you can find your way back to personal satisfaction, it also helps your son see that life is worthwhile.

Right now, you sound so worn out. It’s ok to take care of yourself first! The hardest lesson I have learned is I cannot make my son get better.

I hope you will be able to rediscover your own happiness. It sounds like it has been misplaced in this constant feeling of crisis and trying to make your son better. Don’t wait for your son to get better before you take good, loving care of yourself.


#2

Welcome here @annac. Thank you so, so much for sharing so vulnerably with us. I know how much addiction can hurt, and we are definitely not alone in our feelings of overwhelm, frustration, anger, or confusion…

There are a lot of other parents here who may have some comfort to offer you. What do you think @fredleam @Julie_Smith @lm15042 @adoumeng?


#3

Hi @annac, welcome and thanks for sharing this. I think part of what can help is sharing how you’re doing and what you’re feeling - you’ve already done this by posting here! I think you’ll find you are not alone at all. My parents went through a very similar situation and I saw them go through A LOT!

In reading your post I get the sense that this may be a signal for you to stop, breath, and really take a hard look at what might and might not be useful to you at this time. I believe some self-care would be helpful for you. When we begin to feel ltrapped, resentful, under a black cloud, we need to find hope in a hopeless space. One awesome thing I see in your ability to keep the momentum going is resilience which is SO HELPFUL in managing what you’re going through on a day to day basis. This quality helps you bend without breaking, maintain mental calmness, health, strength, and gives the ability to bounce back after a set-back or disappointment. This is gained through self-care and recognizing what you can and cannot control.

It is not selfish to take care of yourself.

Think about it: taking care of yourself not only benefits the person you’re concerned about, but is necessary for your well-being and the way you feel, moment-to-moment, on a daily basis - which is really important too! Think of one thing you can do to take care of yourself tonight, and really try and do it. If you can’t and are in more crisis more, let me know and we can work together to get you to a happier state of being. Just keep in mind that feelings aren’t facts, and they don’t have to last forever. Wishing you all the happiness :yellow_heart:


#5

WOW Thank you for your responses I guess at first I felt denial…then hopeful for a quick turn around because this doesnt happen to people like us …We gave our children all the love and support in the world the best birthday parties all the opportunities to excell in sports music disney vacations etc…I always thought a drug addict was a product from a broken family or some form of abuse. I never really understood the disease and its effects also Its a family disease I watch my husband aging in front of my eyes due to his stress he is such a selfless man and has a heart of gold but a big enabler We fight constantly about our son …I hope I can get him to maybe read these post and see we are not alone


#6

So grateful to have you here @annac and we’d love to welcome your husband too <3
P.S. I have too many wrinkles and I blame the stress of loving someone through addiction for it!


#7

Ohh, I totally know the denial @annac! I spent probably 2 months regularly calling the Alzheimers Society info line for advice because I wanted to believe THAT was the root my dad’s behavior because ‘addiction doesn’t happen to people like us,’ either.


#9

I know your pain. That black cloud can be so Black! It got so bad for me, I could hardly leave my house. I had isolated myself. I could go to work, pick up a few groceries on my way home…praying I wouldn’t run into someone I knew, get home, and obsess about my son. Catastrophize every possible scenario.
I thought, this may be his life, he may never get clean and sober. This will kill me before it kills him. This can’t be My life. I have 3 other children to consider, support and care for. I went to treatment to get help to cope. It was good. Learning, and accepting that “I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it”, gave me so much relief. It was a lot about self care, which is so important. However, I was Never comfortable with the whole ‘Detaching with Love’. I can’t tell you how many times I googled, ‘detach with love’. I don’t understand how to do that. You’re not alone. We’ll get through this. With love, support, and understanding, our boys will get through this. As long as there is breath in their body and a beat in their heart…there is hope. It’s never too late. Along this journey we need to be gentle with ourselves.


#8

Sending love this thanksgiving @annac let us know how you’re getting on <3


#10

This is so beautiful, @gayneygirl. :slight_smile:


#11

Thank you @gayneygirl, sounds so me. Just reading others thoughts and trials is so very helpful, I am working up to participating more (having problems getting on from different devices), but really need to let you know you are helpful!