From Village Community member:
My daughter (age 17) is addicted to marijuana and she has MH (oppositional defiant disorder and borderline personality traits). She often yells and puts me down when she doesn’t get what she wants. Then when we talk about it she says “you know I can’t help it” and blames it on her disorders. I still find myself upset, frustrated, and annoyed. I usually take a half hour to drive around to calm down. Any other suggestions?
Original topic:
How to use the Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT) method in this situation:
Loving someone through addiction recovery can be a grueling process. It is totally reasonable to feel the way you do in response to what you are facing with your daughter. I love how you mentioned your strategy of driving around to calm down. What else have you found that has worked for you?
Three core strategies come to mind for me on this topic going forward (and since you’re in the course I’ll refer to exercises and topics that can apply here!):
Taking extra care of you
Brainstorming what you can do in those moments to take care of you. Can you call a friend? Also, brainstorming what you can do for yourself to take extra care outside of those heated moments. Completing the happiness scale in module 8 (You Deserve to Thrive) will help you identify one area to make a change in, set an achievable goal for the week. The more we take care of ourselves the more we can deal with the challenges these kinds of relationships bring.
Let her know that if voices get raised or put downs are engaged that the conversation becomes unproductive and that you’ll leave the conversation and return when things have cooled down… You can let her know this ahead of time so she will be prepared for your reaction in the moment.
Interactions with your daughter
Through the CRAFT Group Program working weekly on trying out new positive communication, as well as the behavioral change trio of skills (positive reinforcement, timeout from rewards and natural consequences) to shape behavior to see more sobriety and positive interactions and less using and less negative interactions. So you can use these skills for not only substance use behavior but other problematic behavior. You could also complete a functional analysis (behavior change roadmap) on her defiant / unpleasant behaviors and that way, by identifying the triggers, look for ways to intervene or try something different to minimize or steer clear of those triggers. Eg. are there certain times of day to have tough conversations, or could you even ask her how she’d like to receive tough information? Maybe “I know neither of us like when we argue, what do you think would be a better way for me as your mother to express my caring so that you can receive it…?”
Support from other resources
When people struggle with substance use they can isolate and we can isolate along with them. This strategy is about engaging others in your and/or her support network to step in to give you a break in the relationship. So thinking about any positive influential relationships that could also spend time with her so the burden is spread more.
A note from the Village
: Our Coaches are CRAFT certified and uniquely expert in training families to face addiction and get through recovery together. If you are interested in additional support, check out our online CRAFT programs at wethevillage.co.