I was supposed to go visit my son in rehab on the 19th, I had to beg workmens comp to change the date of surgery. On the 17th I found out that I couldn’t go because his wife doesn’t want me to see the kids. Mind you I have babysat them up until around July. She hasn’t let the kids talk or see him since September but she let them go on the 19th. I stewed about it and yesterday my son called me and even though I wasn’t going to say anything, I rold him how hurt I was. Today divorce papers were delivered to my house. The guy rild me I had to sign for them. I feel horrible, any suggestions?
I went out of my way to do something for my son in rehab, and now his wife is putting up limits. I feel horrible. Any suggestions?
erica
#2
Hi @Kristine, it sounds like you’re dealing with a lot right now. It would help me help you if I could get a bit of clarity on a few things. So I’ve got a few questions:
- Why doesn’t his wife want you to see the kids, and does your son have the ability while in treatment to say he wants you to see him so you can go despite what his wife says?
- It’s okay to let him know you were hurt by being told you couldn’t see him, what was his response?
- Were the divorce papers from your husband? And were they a result of you being supportive of your son?
The more I know and understand about your situation the better I can help!
Something that could help you cope with how you may be feeling is called Distress Tolerance:
If you can tolerate what you can’t control or change, you ultimately avoid unnecessary suffering. Some skills that can help build tolerance are distracting yourself, changing the focus of your thoughts, finding ways to relax (taking deep breaths), and self-soothing by appealing to you senses (brew some herbal tea or wear something cozy to help relax). And as always, you can reach out here to for more suggestions and support. Personally, I find meditation, focusing on my breath, and petting my dog helps me in these types of situations.
Kristine
#4
My ex told me couldn’t go because the twins were going. Neither my ex nor my son knew that she was going to have divorce papers drawn up that day. Saturday they were delivered to my house and gis wife #1 knows his rehab is 1/2 hour from NY and #2 I am on so much medication that I can’t drive and it makes me loopy. She knew exactly what sge was doing. The whole time he was dealing drugs her family and friends were buying from him and at 1 point her mom let him grow the stuff in her house. She new he was dealing and his wife had there 2 babies in the house. The state should have taken the kids.
erica
#5
Okay so your son’s wife had papers sent to your house because she is divorcing him? That’s certainly difficult considering the fact that he isn’t even with you! I assume you signing the papers don’t finalize the divorce, but rather just confirm you received them? (Please let me know if I’m off in any of this)!
If this is the case it sounds like you have to find a way to let him know about all of this and are stressed about how to tell him. Recently I hosted a live webinar on How to Have Conversations That Actually Work. Find the recording to replay on demand here. It may be helpful for you in thinking about how to approach the conversation. In the webinar we focused on:
- identifying what you want to say to your loved one
- Determine when and how to effectively say it so it will be heard and actioned
- Assess and eliminate obstacles in your communication
I hope this provides a way to navigate the situation, if not maybe you can send me a message directly by clicking on my picture at the top of this post and clicking “Message” so we can work through this more thoroughly.
