Is working on budgeting and/or a daily plan every day to learn accountability “controlling” or part of “learning” for successful independence? As I am learning, the brain development is stifled at the start of addiction so is it helpful to work with the recovering person to develop life skills that may not have been developed? Some say it is controlling? , is this “helping/enabling”?, some say the person has to learn on their own? Feeling torn and judged.
If I'm training and educating my loved one in recovery, is that considered controlling or am I helping them in a healthy way?
polly
#2
In my view - if you have the energy to help your loved one gain / grow coping skills post-addiction then that’s amazing. Guidance and removing barriers to access healthy activities and habits can really help, especially early on when the brain is healing.
I think the part about learning on their own is more about developing their own motivations to carry out new activities. I don’t think this means you can’t help. It just means that they need to see the benefits themselves and want to engage in the activities in order to sustain them over time. This way reward systems get rewired to activities like making the bed or dinner, etc.
One thing I sometimes forget, but I know means the world to my loved one so I should do more of it, is acknowledging and celebrating their progress - no matter how small it might be, or how much further we want them to go 
It helps them a great deal to know we see their potential and capability.
Julie_Smith
#3
I get stuck sometimes “nagging” instead of helping (I’m a mom) so I’ve gotten better at catching myself and disconnecting before I get too emotionally hooked. I think offering helpful information is great, and it’s up to them to decide whether to take it and how to use the help. I try to let go of expectations of my loved one and if he uses my advice.
Julie_Smith
#5
I want to be clear I fully support your helping your loved one! I know how it feels to be judged as enabling, etc. I don’t think that help, freely offered with loving intentions, is the same as enabling. Best wishes to you on your journey.
Marie_Marie
#6
Hi… so glad to be part of the Village. Judgement is coming from family which I know all can understand. I needed to hear education and learning new tools with the recovering person can be a good activity! I understand that it could become a “control” activity. It will be a learning and growing time for me as well. I am hopeful to work each day with my son without expectation. It is ultimately up to him to be accountable for himself. I am thinking we will start our learning with having this discussion and repeat as needed!
erica
#7
It is a great thing to be able to encourage healthy behavior change, while not condoning the behaviors you don’t want to see your loved on engage in! In early recovery it takes time for the substance user to learn new behaviors, so helping them work on budgeting and daily planning is a positive way to be in their lives. In treatment settings, this is part of treatment. It’s that important! Eventually it will be important to allow them to learn to budget and daily plan on their own, but they have to start somewhere, and it’s great to hear they can start with a supportive loved one!
ashleykm3
#8
Modeling healthy behavior during your family member’s treatment process is absolutely critical— while you want them to be independently learning, you can also speed up the treatment process by making yourself a part of their learning process to some extent. It’s the little celebrations that tend to make the biggest difference— things like making the bed or setting the table— that, when rewarded, activate the brain’s reward system and in turn make it more likely the person will want to do those things again. The person will also feel like they are more in control of their environment, which is invaluable to someone struggling with addiction.