Is he Peter Pan?


#1

After being together for 6 months, Found out boyfriend (40 yo male) was addicted to opiates. Learned after he went to rehab that he had history of opiate use. Family knew about it and knew he was actively using. Boyfriend never told me about his addiction until he went to rehab. It was very hard to find out everyone knew except me. I knew things were off with him- but he denied any drug use. He went to rehab for 30 days, moved in with his parents. Did meetings for the first 90 days and is on suboxone still.

Fast forward 18 months later. He is still living with his parents. No plans to move out. He works full time. He doesn’t go to meetings (hasn’t for about a year now). Never got a sponsor. Does therapy once a month - to be compliant for suboxone prescription. Iv expressed concern that he’s become complacent. Living like a teenager. He doesn’t pay parents rent and they’ve helped him a lot financially.

I’m feeling frustrated with his lack of ambition to move his life forward. Is this normal?


#2

Hi @Brenda55 - I’m glad you found this space and that your loved one has found recovery, however that looks like for him. Recovery is different for everyone - some people only take medication, some people go to meetings, some people find recovery in hobbies or connection to communities. It’s good that your partner has continued with his therapy (even if it is to be compliant) and that he’s continued with suboxone. The more you understand the why behind his action (or inaction), the more compassion you can build and the better you can support your relationship.

I see 18 months as still early in recovery. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out what works and what doesn’t, and to find the motivation to build a new life without the use of drugs. Have you talked to him about any motivation to move forward? Why he doesn’t go to meetings or what might work/not work for his recovery?

I also understand your frustration, of course. I think it’s a normal situation to be in, and many people in this community can probably relate. Maybe ask yourself what it is you’re looking from him and why. You can’t force him to make any changes, but you can look within yourself to better understand what you need, what you want, and that will help you better communicate to him and hopefully move forward together.

If you’re looking for more support for yourself that can help you support your loved one, I urge you to check out the free family support study that We The Village is offering. If eligible, you could receive 12 weeks of free online support, similar to the Course and Community offered here. You can check eligibility at https://www.familysupportstudy.com/community

I hope that helps!