This is a question to ponder… in one program I attended, the message seemed to be that any financial help was enabling. However, I have come to think that if it helps my son feel better about himself and is a positive healthy action on his part, even if I pay, it can help him. In his case, he has the desire to improve, but has trouble with the actions.
Is it enabling or helping my son make a small step to pay for small items like a haircut?
Julie_Smith
#2
To add another layer - does this action help my son get a haircut on his own in the future, or does it make him less independent and less likely to make positive steps going forward? I think I’ll ask him what he thinks and why.
Ginny
#5
I’ve struggled with this as well. When my son comes home to visit I generally have to take him shopping for new clothing because he doesn’t spend the small amount of money he has on his clothing, but now I think that my 37 year old son should be able to recognize when he needs to buy more socks and underwear! Thank you for asking this question. While I don’t think it’s enabling his using behavior - in my situation - it certainly isn’t encouraging any behavioral changes on his part. I’m going to talk to my son about this as well!
Zanette
#3
Is he walking in recovery? This would be a helpful thing if so. Its important to be supportive. If not, I’m not sure it’s a “step” to want a haircut. However, it won’t impede him moving forward. I would do such things for special occassions, holidays etc. I did not hand my son the money. It was something we did together. I always tried to spend time with my son to reinforce that he has roots and is loved.
erica
#4
The word “enabling” can be charged with a lot of different opinions - I believe that you can help your son out with something like a haircut and wouldn’t consider it enabling as long as it doesn’t support his addiction or unhealthy behaviors. This can be a way to model the importance of taking care of himself (regular haircuts) and if he feels good about himself after this may become something he’ll want to do on his own in the future! Also think about offering it as a reward for reaching some personal milestone he has, or a goal he has achieved. This way he doesn’t think he’ll just get what he wants when he wants. I’d be interested in hearing what he said when you asked him if he thinks it will help him or make him less independent!
amy.j.bol
#6
Looking for the positives kept me sane it’s hard but not impossible. You’re not alone this is a great place for info or to vent. Wishing you the best on your journey.