Is it progress to be open with substance use or am I enabling?

enabling
boundaries
#1

My husband’s depths of addiction was his cocaine use a few years back now - and he’s come so far and is doing so well. But he still uses alcohol to wind down…more than seems optimal and definitely in a numbing way.

The other night he asked me to buy wine or beer on the way home late on a Monday night. He said not to be mad, and that he knows he needs to work on other ways to wind down but ‘not tonight’.

Should I take the win that we are openly communicating about this? Or do I set a boundary here and say I don’t want to facilitate this behavior? Knowing I’m perpetuating some shame around his dark self-belief that he’s not strong enough to control his mind.

Neither feels like a full win to me!

#4

My situation is a little different as it’s my son but I think I would take the honesty as a win. It may require a conversation soon so you can share your feelings about the situation and perhaps set some boundaries but its great that he’s being honest with you. That opens up chances for honest dialogue such as you asking him “how can I help you with your recovery?”

#5

I think I would draw the line at buying his alcohol. That may lead to a conversation where you could express how it just doesn’t feel comfortable for you given your history together.

#2

I definitely understand where you are coming from. While I don’t exactly have an answer for this, I think it can help to know others are going through it and hear how they view/handle it. As for me, my dad has abused alcohol for as long as I can remember. As the ‘able bodied kid’ he had I was the one sent to get him drinks. I knew how to mix drinks by age twelve because I was the one sent to get dad another drink. As I got older and started to realized there was a drinking problem here, I struggled with it and eventually just avoided situations altogether that I knew he would be drinking. It’s different situations because it’s a bit easier to avoid my dad because I don’t live with him. I guess maybe avoid him while he’s partaking in drinking?

#3

In my husband’s experience with addiction, it did not matter which substance he was sober from, he would then overcompensate and then struggle with the one he was still using. I made it clear long ago that I would not support any of it by buying it, I did that long enough when he was trying to only drink 4 beers a day. Did not work and I was enabling him.
My husband is currently sober from all substances
But I do know where you are coming from.

#6

I can relate to this so much, and for me setting boundaries has helped. My brother has been in and out of recovery for most of my life and there would be times where he would ask me to get marijuana for him, or find him people he could get from. For me it helped that it wasn’t legal, but I also told him straight away that I didn’t know how to get it and had no connections to get it. I see the communication as a win though, and was able to have a conversation with him about it once he wasn’t mad at me anymore. I asked him to think about how fun it would be if he came home for a visit and tried to enjoy it sober. He was reluctant but we spoke about silly memories and made fun of our parents - had some laughs too! This was a way to get away from the idea of “enabling” him, and move towards taking care of him and showing him love and happiness without condoning or supporting the behaviors I didn’t want to see.

Initially he was pissed and I felt really bad, always worried that my hard boundary will trigger him in a negative, but ultimately when he came to visit we had a great time (marijuana free). It’s been a few years since the visit I described, and now when he comes to town it doesn’t even come up, he only asks me to get him frappuccino’s in the mornings, which I’m okay with :rofl: