How do I learn to set boundaries for my 43 year old son who continues to drink and use drugs? He was just kicked out of another sober living apartment and wants to move back to my home. I told him to go to the shelter but feel a tremendous amount of guilt. He has a job at a local pizza chain but makes minimum wage, barely enough to survive. He continually self sabotages his life and living arrangements, and it’s never his problem. It’s affecting my health and my relationships with my husband and other family members. He lost his license due to DUIs. He won’t keep a phone, he has no friends or support other than me, but I’m nearly 70 and would like to enjoy life a little while I still can.
Need advice about adult son who is an addict
JEdinger
#2
I’m not an expert—in fact, I lost my battle to keep my son alive. After his death, I’ve come to realize several things. I truly did everything in my power to help him, but in the end, he didn’t want to help himself. I didn’t fully grasp how dysfunctional our lives had become until after he was gone.
Your story mirrors mine in many ways. I always knew our situation wasn’t normal, but the constant worry, sleepless nights, and the dread every time he asked for money or a place to stay was crushing.
If you’ve done everything you can to support him, to get him help, then my advice is to hold firm to the boundaries you’ve set—just like you told him: You cannot stay with me or other family, and we won’t give you money unless it’s for medical treatment or rehab. He may hate you for it. You may even lose him. But ask yourself: what do you really have now?
Be sure to tell him you love him no matter what, and consistently encourage sobriety —you never know when it will finally “click.” I know that prayers aren’t always answered, but I will continue to keep you in mine.