Ownership of responsibility in conversations and why is it so hard for my son in recovery to do the 'right' things?

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communication
boundaries
#1

I work hard to have a calm respectful conversation and the benefits have spread to other relationships!

I am thankful and have told my son thank you for having calm respectful conversations. When we don’t have them we come back later and talk about the issue. Yet, the history of bad behavior lurks nearby…for the other half of conversations…

Most of the time he turns it around and there is no ownership of responsibility. For example. Written boundaries agreed upon are violated or chores not completed. After reminding for a few days, I ask why? and no answer or response, or he knows I’m not pleased and so his go to is “I’m trying to get a rise about of him” statement.

My son continues to take the hard road when it could be so easy to do his chores or abide by the boundaries - set such as going to AA meetings. I question often why he does what he does when it is so, so easy to do the right thing. As this just happened again today, he owns the consequences yet doesn’t get it.

So now, when he is off house arrest at the end of October with no job (currently) or with a job, he must go live in his car that is not inspected which may break his parole and … just not easy, yet need to hold boundaries as I have given much support and respect and $ during house arrest.

Just sharing my worry of the day…thanks for listening

#2

I can relate to A WHOLE LOT of this @Marie_Marie - it’s so tough to keep our cool in the face of irrational behavior! AND it’s so hard to understand why the simplest of tasks, as well as agreement to do them, can fall by the wayside.

In my experience I’ve seen my husband commit to things because he really wants to meet my expectations or in theory agrees they’re good to do or in the moment perhaps it’s easier to agree. BUT when the time comes, he may not follow through - I interpret this as: maybe he doesn’t feel up to it, or forgets, or sort of gets depressed.

One thing I’ve learned is that recovery takes WAY longer than I expect it to. And that I can’t predict what the after will look like with my husband - will he ever have a routine where he gets up reliably in the morning? I just don’t know.

I also learned that one part of the brain that addiction affects is the executive decision-making function (making it harder to follow through on longer term agreements, and easier to be taken over by immediate satisfaction) pair this with the fact that removing the substance, and its floods of pleasure, leaves a past user feeling way lower and depressed…all this contributes to it make it harder to have the motivation to follow through on OR make ‘good/reliable’ decisions in the moment.

I think it’s just way harder than we can imagine. But that’s just my experience, I’d also love to hear from others. And I agree, that it is SUPER frustrating.

Sending love <3

#3

@Marie_Marie, the age of the person isn’t stated and that makes a difference. However, it sounds as though you have given respect when he has not earned it, money when he did not earn it. This is not supportive. We are not able to “nice” them into positive behavior. That will come from their own desire and heart, not ours. Blaming others, playing guilty games and manipulating indicate this person has not accepted responsibility for the current situation and likely isn’t really wanting to change their life. Remember it’s not YOUR program to work. You cannot do it for him. You can revoke house arrest anytime. Love equals holding a person accountable. It sounds harsh but if you are in an uphill battle, then you are the one working, not him.