CHAPTER 6: Real Self-Care means Treating Yourself with Compassion
Permission to be Good Enough
This is an ongoing summary that I am sharing with this group as I read the book. I encourage you to obtain and read Real Self-Care (Crystals, cleanses, and bubble baths not included) by Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, MD. , Viking, NY, 2023.
There are 4 pillars to her (Dr Lakshmin) definition of real self-care:
- real self care has boundaries
- real self care has compassion
- coming soon
- coming soon
Kristin Neff, PhD, suggests that Self-compassion can be divided into 3 components:
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Replacing self-judgment with self-kindness
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Recognizing your shared Humanity
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Being Curious about Negative Thoughts instead of believing them as the immediate truth.
Self-esteem cultivates a feeling of high self-regard while self-compassion is a way to develop self-clarity. It’s a way of seeing yourself - recognizing your shortcomings or ways in which the world doesn’t match your expectations and offering yourself kindness rather than self-depreciation. Set a boundary with yourself to use kinder, more gentle words.
Distinguish between your Critic and Your Drive…
Instead of arguing with your inner critic, recognize it is just one voice in your head, of many. When it is the loudest you get sapped of energy, joy, and meaning-
If you don’t learn to speak to yourself with respect, kindness, and nurturing then you will arrive wherever you’re going rundown and angry.
Getting Curious About the Voices in Your Head…
counteract your toxic inner narrative by identifying some of the other voices you’re hearing- is it your parent, is it your peer, is it your random observer? Who is saying it, and when did they say it, in what context? Do those conditions exist today? Is it time to Tape Over the cassette? (Ha OLD PERSON ALERT!)
Taming Martyr Mode
Women get a ton of social approval for self-sacrificing and making themselves smaller. In Martyr Mode- there can be some satisfaction, nee pride, that comes when you save the day and take one for the team. You sluff off compliments but make sure everyone knows how much work you’re doing.
We mistakenly believe that compassion will come from the outside, if only we earn it by serving others.
It’s not going to happen like that. we must develop self-compassion or else we won’t get the reassurance and rest we need.
How do you know if you’re in Martyr Mode? Telltale sign is when you are extending yourself toward others and have an unspoken expectation that that something- praise, support, attention- will be given in return. When that expectation doesn’t materialize we lose our cool and seethe, rant, or rage.
When a woman is stuck in MARTYR mode, she has convinced herself that the best way to make choices is to put herself last. Martyr mode feels like life is happening to you, as opposed to you being the agent in your own life.
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In what situations is it relatively easy for you to speak kindly to yourself?
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Are there any common facts in these situations?
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Are there people, places, things that consistently make it difficult for you to treat yourself with compassion or situations in which your self-criticism is extra-loud?
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When you find yourself engaged in Martyr Mode, reflect on what gifts you are expecting (praise, help, energy, attention) - even if those expectations are below the surface.
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Name one time that you surprised yourself by the kindness and/or generosity you gave to yourself. What circumstances enabled you to be self-compassionate?
Add “OUCH” to your Vocabulary - be grateful to your fierce internal critic because it protected you from difficult times in early life and this tougher than nails approach no longer serves you in the same way.
Name Your Inner Critic
Pay attention to what your inner critic says and feels like - what family member does it remind you of? Keep track of the words and phrases that your inner critic uses to make you feel bad. Write it down, exactly, so you can tell when it’s HER talking.
Dial Down the Shame
Shame occurs when we believe that we are inherently unworthy, wrong, or bad.
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You are never good enough
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Who do you think you are?
Shame occurs when you feel wrong as a whole person, it’s a feeling of not-belonging or otherness.
You need to counteract this feeling by pulling on the reminder that YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.
Pediatrician Dr. Donald Winnicott, coined the phrase “the Good Enough Mother”
The role of a parent is to provide their child with a background environment that allows the child to develop the ability to tolerate their own distress. WOW for moms with Kiddos who express SUD!
Rather than coming into a situation of shame, you need to practice coming from Good Enough…
finding a middle ground between selfishness and selflessness.
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How does my fear of being selfish prevent me from accessing Good Enough?
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What are the costs of being selfish (Physical, emotional, spiritual)
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In which areas of my life am I most convinced of being Good Enough? Can you bring that sense into other areas?
Only you can give yourself permission to be good enough.
Name Your Inner Critic
Pay attention to what your inner critic says and feels like - what family member does it remind you of? Keep track of the words and phrases that your inner critic uses to make you feel bad. Write it down, exactly, so you can tell when it’s HER /HIM talking.
Instead of arguing with your inner critic, recognize it is just one voice in your head, of many. When it is the loudest you get sapped of energy, joy, and meaning-
If you don’t learn to speak to yourself with respect, kindness, and nurturing then you will arrive wherever you’re going rundown and angry.
Getting Curious About the Voices in Your Head…
Counteract your toxic inner narrative by identifying some of the other voices…
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Your Optimist - the one with big ideas and grand plans…
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Your Quirky One - the one with crazy ideas- reflect on her unique take on life
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Your Wise Woman- the one with a feeling of gravity- has seen it all and reflects with knowing.
Acknowledge that Perfection Does Not Exist
Acknowledge that perfection will never exist and you will never be perfect at self-care. It’s a constant iterative process, not a destination.
Real Self-Care is learning more about your true self - that part with likes and dislikes, needs and preferences
QUESTION FOR GROUP: Where can you show yourself a little more grace?
I’ll post part 2 of this chapter in coming days- thanks for reading this summary. I am interested in your thoughts and contribution to this subject. Please feel free to post responses when you are able.
