Recently discovered relapse

relapse
infidelity
#33

The more you know the better.
Happy Independence Day, all! See you tomorrow

#31

@islandgirl I am so grateful for the encouragement and hope your post offers. Thankful for the blessing that you stuck by your person to see them find sobriety. I wish continued success for them and you both.

I attended a ‘SMART’ meeting for family and friends and it offers very valuable tools to use. Taking care of me will be best for ALL involved.
We have couples therapy next week and he is keeping it a priority in his busy work schedule.
I have been very guilty of prioritizing caring for his needs and trying to control. This is not working for either one of us- there is a better way and I’ll keep fighting to learn! We are worth the investment.

#34

I think the harder I tried to “motivate” my son to seek treatment the further he was from it. They have to decide they want treatment for them

#36

In addition to resources like Narcan and clean needle exchanges, harm reduction can also refer to an alternative to abstinence only approaches to recovery. Harm reduction is really difficult to navigate. Especially when the only treatment and recovery programs that most people know about are 12-step based, which take an abstinence-only approach. My husband is very much of the harm-reduction mindset when it comes to recovery. He’s been on Suboxone for years, he’s used marijuana to help with anxiety and even to curb heroin cravings, he’s used ketamine and psychedelics for anxiety and to connect spiritually. In addition, he takes medication for his ADHD, which is another highly controlled substance. When he was in active addiction, he started testing his drugs for fentanyl.

For the most part, I’ve been supportive of these methods because I can see the difference between when he’s on acid for example and when he’s on heroin. He’s not addicted to those drugs. There is no dark demon that accompanies them. They have not ruined our family. If anything, they’ve helped him become more connected and honest and true to himself.

This whole recovery journey has really helped me realize that nothing is black and white. What works for one person may not work for another. Abstinence only is not the only approach, and those who push it as the only approach are pushing away a lot of people who feel judged because they rely on meds or because they’ve found a different approach that works for hem. My husband is hesitant to go back to 12-step meetings because he never feels fully accepted, which is unfortunate because there’s not too many recovery communities out there that aren’t 12-step.

What has helped me is to remember that every recovery is different, and to let go of expectations of what I think it’s supposed to look like. People will do what they need to do to become a healthier version of themselves.

#35

Yes, @PJD19 - I think that’s true- when it springs from the wrong source, it runs dry quickly.

#37

@rltybites Thank for your openness & sharing - I think this has been such a helpful/productive conversation overall :heart:️

While I see where each person is coming from, I feel like you’re clearly a strong person who knows self care, putting themselves first, & appropriately prioritizing so it’s made me sad to see you have to defend your relationship. Yet you consistently speak with strength & grace. Your situation is relatable to me so I appreciate you sharing & everyone’s input/insight. Wishing the best for you & yours!!

#39

@momentsandlight. Thank you for sharing you and your husband’s journey. Finding this forum to share experiences, hope and wisdom is SO much more than I had imagined.
My partner and I speak often of letting go of expectations and judgement. This is truly where peace is found.
Reading your story leads me to believe you have found this peace. You stand behind your husbands individual journey to be his healthiest self. He is blessed to have you in his story.
I share your perspective that 12 step, abstinence programs are the most common. I feel we need something different out there for the men and women who, like your husband don’t grow from the current choice. Have you guys ever dreamed up what that would look like?
I have been attending SMART meetings and I really like the focus and empowerment they have on self care. I have the workbook and I am excited to dig into it. I’m grateful for that recommendation.
Keeping making the next right choice for your family and sharing your experiences. You are an encouragement for me and others.

#40

@va.ra you’re welcome! I love hearing this thread has been helpful for you! I know I have benefited a LOT from everyone’s experiences and suggestions.
Thank you! It’s wild to hear you say that because I wasn’t a person who lived by these actions 5 years ago. This validates that the work I am putting into myself is beneficial. I appreciate hearing your perspective. It means more to me than I imagine these words are expressing!
I OFTEN ‘defend’ and this is a habit I’m trying to gain understanding of and recognize sooner. Would you mind sharing some examples of how my responses were doing this? I would love your feedback.
Thanks again for your post… I have an extra skip in my step today. :grinning:

#38

Hi @rltybites - How are you and your loved one doing today? Were you able to attend couples therapy and how did that go?

#42

I like the idea of using writing letters to share difficult topics. I appreciate you, @rltybites.

#41

@Jacqui
Hi! We are actually doing really well! We are taking baby steps to reconnecting and using email as an avenue to discuss topics that tend to end in arguments or hurt feelings in person. It has been a great way for me to show up as a ‘listener’ and for us to share perspectives without the emotional responses. At first it felt awkward, and I felt judgmental of not being able to ‘converse’ in person, but once I let go of that and leaned in, I could experience the benefits.
We actually have our first session tonight! I am looking forward to learning new tools to improve how I show up in the relationship. I will let you know how it goes.
Thanks for following up!

#44

Today is a hard day. My loved one shared with me that he relapsed on cocaine today. I feel at a loss…scared…sad…. Angry…so many feelings.
I don’t know how to respond to a confession of relapse. I’ve never been through this.
I am proud of him for his honesty…but I don’t feel it right now.

#46

Sorry for your discomfort, @rltybites . Your person really needs to sort out his plan and get on with it. I imagine it is very hard for couples, especially since some drug addiction seems fueled by a sense of secrecy, aloneness, etc. and couples, by nature, are always around one another. You can love anyone fully and well and still get snippy in hot weather and just being in close physical proximity all the time.

You strike me as a person who is seeking clarity and paying attention to what is happening around you. Keep that up. I get that you guys really get one another. My son relapsed after nearly 5 years of sobriety, and it was a really dislocating feeling for all of us. It took him a while to regain his courage and regain his equilibrium in this world, but he’s doing it and his relapse didn’t mean defeat, it just meant he hadn’t learned some specific thing - on Recovery Elevator they call it “field research” - not to be permissive- but to unburden the lamenting soul with Judgements and Downers. Choose kindness when you can, and watch for sincerity or deceit. You’ll be ok. You’re smart.

#45

I’m so sorry to hear this @rltybites. It just plain sucks. I have been there many times and in the moment, when the fear and the anger and the sadness kicks in, those feelings are never easy. But I hope you can remember that all the work you’ve done on yourself, your relationship, your communication, and the work that he has done, is not erased by this moment. In fact, that work has prepared you to get through it together, to get right back up and keep going. You can feel the feelings but also know that a slip doesn’t mean you now go backwards. You can both continue forward.

He told you the truth. Hold on to that truth, because you know how easy and natural it is to lie in active addiction, and he chose truth. There is hope in that. Whenever my husband told me the truth about a slip, I acknowledged the difficulty in that and told him thank you. Then I would ask what is the next step for him, and how could I support him? And I would also tell him what I needed for support, such as drug tests, or more transparency with his location or phone.

These may have been shared already but I’ll link them again - past convos on slips/relapse with others’ experiences. You are not alone. Sending you love. :heartpulse:

#47

Wow, these ladies are so full of wisdom - it’s so important to have people who’ve been there to help us sort through things as we go. This is tough stuff.

My story is with my kids, adult kids of mine. Neither of them ever openly admitted to using, or to a slip when one was had. In my experience, it was just lies and cover ups. One after another. So I think him admitting to it speaks volumes to who YOU are. You must do a good job in meeting him where he’s at. At you keep coming back here, to get feedback from others. That’s great. We’re rooting for you!

#48

It’s always so great to hear you on these threads, @Deanna1. How are you getting through this summer? My son didn’t want to tell me at first, and lied for a long time, too. Once he finally started to string together some “estimable acts” he was more open to sharing his fragility. I may never truly understand this, but it seems like keeping everything really turned down low emotionally, dramatically, conversationally makes it easier for him to feel comfortable to share his thoughts, fears, and dreams. It’s going to happen, just when- such a mystery. Argh.

#49

Well…I asked for transparency and he replied via email saying it’s best he leave the relationship. Says he’s not in love with me. Says I listen but don’t hear him.
He stated he’s hoping the house will be sold in the next 3-4 months and he’s already been looking into relocating to the mountains. Says he was going to tell me this week.
He’s done this before when I asked for transparency. Somehow the way I ask triggers him as a judgment. Only time will tell what happens. I took off my engagement ring and set it on his dresser…it’s not there anymore. That’s ok.
Today I’m disappointed, sad, anxious about finding affordable housing. If I could have it my way the relationship would be restored.
But what do I really know. I don’t know what’s waiting for me in my tomorrow.

#51

@rltybites Please do what you need to take care of yourself, however that looks right now. It might mean being alone and crying, or messaging a friend, or continuing to reach out in this community to just let it out with no fear of judgment. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

#52

@rltybites
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I know it hurts. I also know that there are times when you can’t see through the pain and difficulty yet there is joy waiting on the other side. To get to that joy, it requires one to let go and work through the fear of being alone. I highly recommend a good support system for you, which may include a group that you can meet with in person. Online is helpful too and this group is amazing, but it definitely isn’t the same as being face to face with others that have gone through similar situations.
I will be praying for you and I look forward to an update.

#43

Glad to see this & know my words were meaningful for you! :hearts:

I feel like “defend” was possibly too strong of a word & stemmed from my own feelings about the posts & how they relate my situation/mindset.

But, for reference, I’m referring to your responses to those suggesting that you give an ultimatum; you did a wonderful job of clarifying/elaborating on your situation, providing more light & perspective. I think interpreted that as “defending” though it may not be the most appropriate word so I appreciate your follow up so I could investigate my own thoughts further :blush: