Self-care - How do I stop the same old worries about my son from dragging me down?

self-care
detachment
#1

Self-care. I’m at the point where I feel the healthiest thing I can do for everyone is detach with love. I try to live by this statement: “Live as though the miracle has already happened.” Is it ok to stop checking in with my son if it is a burden to my own health?

**Added: Thank you all for your compassionate answers. One worry I have is that my son will overdose before he finds lasting recovery. My husband and I keep in touch often, though I sometimes don’t know if it matters. Our son has a roommate and a girlfriend but we aren’t close to them, and there aren’t other family checking in with him regularly.

#7

I wish I had a answer for that. We as parents, as moms, the hardest thing to do is detach. not seeing ,hearing or feeling the everyday drama and chaos that active addiction brings, is the only way to find any peace in our day. We can fight everyday for anyone who is fighting for recovery. But only when they are fighting with us ,not against us.
Do the things you enjoy, things that bring a smile to your face, makes you laugh. Hardest thing to do is detach but its the healthiest.

#2

I believe you have to take care of yourself and try to be healthy. This sets an example to your loved one. I have been in a position where I felt my son was totally draining me financially, emotionally and putting my health on the line. I do hope for you to find an awnser that can bring you peace. There are some self help topics that might help. :heart:️

#3

Your wellbeing (intellectual, physical health, and emotional) matters and makes a big difference in how you support your loved one! The quality of support you give depends on the quality of life you’re experiencing for yourself. If it is becoming a burden to your own health, it is okay to take a step back and make sure you take care of yourself!

When my brother was in active use and it began to drain me emotionally and physically I had to set a limit and actually blocked his messages on my phone for a few weeks so I could focus on myself.

Knowing your limits is part of being aware and having reasonable expectations - this allows you to work with your son instead of becoming burnt out, not feeling connected to yourself, and feeling guilty for not checking in. The conscious act of recognizing how much you can stand makes your situation more predictable. Awareness won’t change your circumstances, but it allows you to anticipate what’s coming and plan for it as best as you can. With awareness (which you already have a lot of), careful self-assessment, and practice, you can continue to work on seeing your limits from a safe distance and even use them as guides.

If you need specific self-care tips I have tons and would be happy to share, just let me know :slight_smile:

#13

Just circling back around to your response. I’m always up for self-care tips! I just started an 8-week SMART class taught by my doctor (MD) about the relaxation response as a natural remedy for stress. The acronym is Stress Management and Resiliency Training. Thank you for your wise advice on this site.

#23

@erica Hi there, I could use specific self-care tips : )

#4

I think I know where you are coming from and how you are feeling @Julie_Smith.

I 100% believe that the connection and unconditional love we can give to someone struggling with addiction can be instrumental in lifting them out of it.

I think unfortunately for us, change and healing don’t happen over night. We need to be in it for the long haul and we need to tolerate times when behavior isn’t what we want to see or the addictions come back or it feels like our loved one takes a few steps back.

I struggle with the concept: Detach with Love - when used as a blanket statement. But I understand that sometimes it is necessary. We can’t be strong all the time. We are affected by the addiction too and we need to take care of ourselves first in order to take care of others.

I’m working on recognizing sooner when I need to step back and take care of myself before getting to the end of my tether. And I think something that could be really helpful is figuring out how to share the burden with others when this happens. I’ve started to do this more and it really helps.

Are there a few friends / family who also care about your son’s wellbeing a lot and who can help take some of the ‘checking-in’ off your plate so you can recoup a bit? What do you think about this idea as a way to keep connection with him (through others you and he trusts) and take a step back yourself to tolerate the stress?

#24

This is wonderful advice @polly

#5

Thank you all for your compassionate answers. One worry I have is that my son will overdose before he finds lasting recovery. My husband and I keep in touch often, though I sometimes don’t know if it matters. Our son has a roommate and a girlfriend but we aren’t close to them, and there aren’t other family checking in with him regularly.

#6

Overdosing is a really scary thing to worry about @Julie_Smith - I’ve been there myself and worse for me was seeing seen my husband’s debilitating fear about his brother’s heroin use.

Keeping in mind you need to look after yourself first…

Know that connection and keeping in touch helps - and there’s no quick fix for this.

What do you think about the idea of getting a bit closer to the girlfriend and room mate?

Similarly, are there any family that make sense to bring more into the picture?

Banding together as a support network around your son takes the burden off any one person’s shoulders and brings scary isolating addiction out into the light where we can all acknowledge it and support positive changes.

It might (well most likely will) feel uncomfortable at first to share more openly with a wider friend and family group - but the more people showing they care and keeping relationships with your son can only help.

What do you think about enrolling more friends and family in your sons recovery? What are the current barriers to doing this? (I’m sure there are some prickly ones, love to think through this more with you.)

Also, do you all have narcan in case of an overdose?

#8

Great ideas. He has 2 doses of Narcan, but not sure where or who knows about them.

#9

i have a couple of things I tell myself, personal mottos basically, that help me to hang in day-to-day. One is “Take the long view”. Another is “There’s nothing going on right now that’s worse than things we’ve gone through before.”

Maybe one of these will help. I actually do believe them, and they help me by putting what’s happening, or what I’m concerned will happen, in perspective.

#10

“When we find ourselves noting all the awful things of this world, all the reasons to be afraid, it is time to step out of our speculating mind and into present moment reality. Period. In the present moment, there is nothing wrong. When we truly can let ourselves have the experience of being here and now, the fear will diminish and we will find ourselves available to respond to whatever perceived ‘threat’ may be coming our way. Responding in the moment is our strength. Trying to figure out what to do through speculation takes us away from our strength.

Today I will notice if I’m listing potential world evils in my mind, and I will make a point to become present to what is right in front of me, rather than to continue.”

A little excerpt from Jeff Kober I thought worked well here x

#11

This is such a beautiful and strong statement. I have found it to be true, but hard to remember. Thank you so much for sharing.

#25

@SAnne, since reading your comment here, I looked up and signed up for Jeff Kober’s daily email on Vedic meditation philosophy and have found them to be quite helpful. Thank you for sharing!

#27

Thank you @SAnne. Helpful words for me.

#28

@Raking nice to hear from you :heart: how are you doing?

#12

It’s hard not to worry. This is a very serious situation. I tried to recall something I heard in church which was “If you worry, pray. If you pray, don’t worry”. I would tell myself this each time worry cropped up and just start praying. Praying put me in a much better frame of mind. I felt I was doing something to help. I still worry on occasion even though my daughter has been clean for 8 years. I just keep going back to that saying. I also tell myself “Never let your rear view mirror get bigger than your windshield”. I’ve got to stop thinking about all that happened with her addiction, accept it and put it in the past. I must keep moving forward!

#14

When you check in with him, make sure he knows that when he is ready to become sober you are there for support and help, he won’t stop until he is ready. Find a way to contact his roommate and girlfriend and unfortunately ensure they have narcan available, if there are clinics near it is free, and free training. Tough love and taking care of yourself now. Sending positive thoughts and vibes with prayers for healing for you all.

#15

Thank you for sharing, @Julie_Smith! The worry-loop can be so distracting and frustrating.

My dad’s health/addiction is OUT of my control - just as your son’s is out of yours - but my own health/wellbeing is IN my control.

To not overcomplicate my self-care, I like to run through these questions, daily:

Am I eating well?
Am I getting enough sleep?
Am I doing something to relieve stress?
Am I connecting with people who ‘give me life’?

If I can answer yes to all (or most) of these things everyday, I celebrate myself for doing a super job at taking care of myself.

If my answer is no, I ask myself, “What one thing will I do differently tomorrow?”

When I take care of myself, I am that much more healthy and grounded to care about (but not try to change) what is out of my control without reaching exhaustion or resentment, etc.

Looking forward to hearing what you takeaway from your SMART class, if you’re open to sharing!