Tips to manage guilt?

self-care
boundaries
#1

A new feeling I’m having is that of guilt.

Guilt for establishing boundaries. Am I not talking to him enough? Seeing him enough? Should I have said yes instead of no?

It started with relation to my dad, and has since seeped into other areas of my life. Am I doing enough? Am I doing it right? Am I letting him/her/them down? I should do more.

This feels new & confusing to me because I’m typically v confident & self-assured.

What has your experience been with the feeling of guilt? What tips do you have to talk yourself out?

#2

It sounds like you’re feeling guilty because you’re questioning your boundaries. I’m not sure if you’re talking about a spouse, child, etc. but no matter which, knowing what boundaries to set is difficult and different for everyone. When I feel guilty I take a few deep breaths to relax myself then I tell myself that I have nothing to feel guilty about because I only want what’s best for my loved one. The boundaries I make, the “No’s” I tell him are because they help him. I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. Its so common. Hugs.

#3

Definitely common! I’ve found it easy to take on the role of supporting my loved one through struggles with addiction largely on my own and it is exhausting sometimes. And sometimes you just need to take space. I’m pretty confident now that things are more stable that I need to focus on me more. But I certainly have moments where I go back to thinking am I doing enough to support him…particularly when there’s a slip up.

I think we tend to feel this responsibility and guilt because we don’t share the weight and that can certainly lighten the load. This week I shared with a mutual friend how my husband’s drinking in social circumstances is destructive and this friend came up with some great suggestions that I myself, having been dealing with it for a while, didn’t think of.

On the other hand, we don’t make much of an effort to speak to my brother or his wife because he’s been so unstable and it’s too much for us…but does feel a bit selfish. Somehow we make our peace. Can only do so much.

All the love <3

#6

Thanks @AnthonysMom - really appreciate it!

#4

I definitely struggle with this. It may be mildly irrational but the moment I take some time to myself, my fiance usually acts disappointed and I always end up feeling bad. I think have that time to herself should be good for her and definitely good for the relationship. Also I always end up feeling guilty whenever I bring up an issue whether it be a recent use or some kind of lie, she shuts down immediately and just says she’s going to go to bed or she can find another ride home. It makes it pretty difficult to have a mature conversation about anything sometimes.

#7

Oof! This one hit close to home.

#5

x2 on this. My husband 3yrs post rehab and I still have to be so so careful when to bring up topics around substance use!! I feel this @Dean_Acton way harder when it’s early on and the using is super concerning <3

#8

Thanks @Dean_Acton. Actually makes me feel waay better to know I’m not the only one!

#9

Grateful that you brought this topic up. I have a lot of guilt around boundaries and for me I try my best to keep in mind that just as taking care of people I love and being accountable to them can be a form of taking care of myself, that taking care of myself is a way of better being able to show up for others. Still, it’s hard. My partner is really struggling right now and avoiding being alone as much as possible, and as I’m her primary support…it’s hard taking that time to myself.